Big D Pitchas: Big D Thoughts

Earthquake.

2010-03-16T23:22:00.000-07:00

Last night at 4:04am, we had a 4.4 earthquake epicentered about 10 miles away. I was only half-conscious of the entire thing. I remember suddenly being aware that the room was shaking, and the quake was over before I had even finished questioning whether I was dreaming or awake. But the split second of fear was enough to get my heart racing like a jackrabbit. It crossed my mind at that point that I still need to fasten my TV-bearing bookshelf to the wall. Then I was just pissed that I had been woken up at 4am for nothing, since I was already not getting enough sleep.

But like, having to fasten shit to the wall? I really hate California. A place where you have to arrange your belongings under the consideration that the EARTH BELOW YOU MIGHT SHAKE THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR HOUSE... that's not really a home. In a few years, I hope to move somewhere non-quakey.

Anyway, I did like the fact that I was barely even aware of the quake. I would like to sleep through every earthquake from now on. Whether it's another bullshit tiny one or the big one that kills thousands of people including me... either way, I'd rather not be awake.

Fired.

2010-01-28T18:25:00.000-08:00

It took me forever to find this job. But I should've realized it was doomed when I came in on my first day, Thursday the 14th, a half hour early. I entered and said to the boss lady, "I'm here to do data entry...?" Her response was, "You're early." My response to her was something like, "Yes." I figured being early was a good thing, but I would later learn it probably wasn't, because nothing anyone could ever do at this job was good. Everything was bad.

The door was unmarked, and the company's name was not on the lobby directory. The place was named TCI. I never found out what that stood for. The boss lady was an older woman named Griselda. This is something I would be forced to learn from context, because she never introduced herself, nor did she show me around the office. Instead, she hastily put me at a computer and told me how to do my job. Basically, I would go to a shelf and grab a packet full of petition signatures. I would enter the names and addresses from the petition into the computer, write a number on the packet, and put the packet into a box. Then I would return to the shelf and do the whole thing over again. That was the entire job, and I loved how simple it was.

But there was a catch.

You needed to maintain an average of 150 names per hour. In terms of typing speed, this would be no problem, but the petitions had apparently been filled out by someone on a speeding cattle train with no clipboard, because nothing was ever written legibly. So if I wanted to enter anything other than gibberish into the system, I would have to slow down and analyze the handwriting until reasonable words started to take shape. I eventually trained myself to decipher these nonsensical chicken scratches at a much faster rate, but for those first few days, I was scared to death I was going to be fired for going too slowly, as one of my co-workers was at the end of that first day.

Sometime after 1pm on the first day, I decided to ask Griselda about lunch. As in, when was my lunchtime and how long did I have? She said I could go whenever-- BUT NOT YET, because half of the eight or so data entry people were already out to lunch, and she couldn't have so many people gone at once. I never understood this line of reasoning, because even if every single person took their lunch simultaneously, the exact same amount of work would get done by the end of the day. Was she basing the office's productivity solely on hourly quotas, even when part of the staff was at lunch? I just don't know. I should've asked at some point, though I can't imagine when would've been a good time to do so.

Griselda was an unpleasant woman, with a face you would only expect to see on the end of a desert beast. She would periodically make announcements showing us common mistakes that some of us were making, and begging us to please ask her questions as we go. "I would rather you ask me a hundred questions than make a mistake that later has to be corrected." But every time we asked her a question, she would get really annoyed and answer us with impatience and attitude. She was always stressed out and always talking down to us. And she would CONSTANTLY make all these loud passive-aggressive jabs. Like, one time she announced, "If anyone wants some coffee, I just started making some, because I really wanted a cup and no one had made any." Well, I don't drink coffee, and thus, don't know how to make it. I also had never been showed by anyone where the break room was, let alone been told it's the entire office's responsibility to keep the coffee flowing. So that's just a couple good reasons why I, for example, shouldn't have been expected to be making coffee. Another time, she told some new hires, "If you want some water... well, I have to order some, because someone drank the last one and didn't tell me we were out." Again, if you want people to be responsible for something, you have to tell them at some point. I guess it would be unreasonable to expect the regulated delivery of something as ridiculous as water.

On my second day, Friday the 15th, I brought an mp3 player to listen to while I worked. It's a crappy one that doesn't have a menu screen. It just plays everything in a straight loop. And I would find out on this day that it goes through a AAA battery in three hours. I decided to carry lots of batteries on me from that point on. The music I listened to was all movie scores with no lyrics, which would help keep me focused as I "data entered."

My second week started on Monday the 18th. It poured rain the entire week (a rarity in California), which didn't help. See, Griselda eventually told me that I was allotted one 30-minute lunch and two 10-minute breaks. And if I wanted to, I could combine them however I wished. But there was really nowhere in the building for me to eat my lunch. The kitchen was sort of a standing "area." So when lunchtime came, I would haul ass to Subway or something, and then haul ass back. The pouring rain made this take longer than I would've liked. So I ended up taking a 45-minute lunch every day, but I made up for it by taking no other breaks. Just working straight through from 9 to 5, minus lunch.

At some point during the second week, I noticed her telling one of my co-workers that when he comes to grab a packet off the shelf, he should grab several at once, then do them all at his desk, then bring the entire finished pile over to the box. As opposed to getting up after each completed packet. This did not sound enticing to me, because sitting at a computer and typing for seven or eight hours is hard enough. It helps to be able to stand up every once in a while and move for a few seconds. And we're literally talking about like five steps here. But she actually referred to them as "wasted steps." So the guy explained that he kinda liked the teensy moments in which he stood up. I chimed in, agreeing that it was a nice little break. But she responded by reminding us of our 150-name-an-hour quota. I could've easily pointed out that the fatigue of working straight through like she was suggesting, through back pain and deflated morale, might actually hinder our productivity far more than the periodic interruption of standing up and walking five steps. But of course, I didn't want to argue.

Later in the week, she would come to approach me and remind me of the "several packets at once" policy, explaining it to me like I was mentally deficient. "You just put one pile here, and another pile here, and when you're done with this one, you put it in this pile. See?" I think maybe she could tell that I could tell she was talking down to me.

The way this place works is, there's a day shift and a night shift. Because of something happening beyond my pay grade, there was no night shift on Wednesday the 20th, and no day shift on Thursday the 21st. This meant that I got Thursday off, which helped me immensely in my endeavor to recharge my own batteries mid-week. But as I was running errands on Thursday afternoon, I received some frantic calls from my temp agency, asking if I could please come in for the Thursday night shift, even for a few hours, because they were going to be understaffed and fall behind. I wasn't able to do it, but the next morning, Friday the 22nd, I came in like 15 or 30 minutes early. Griselda was on the phone. Thinking that they might still be behind, I just started working. Eventually, she got off the phone and got mad that I was working. She was all, "No, don't do that; I wanted you to do this. Okay, finish that, but then do this. And next time, don't start before you're supposed to. You start at 9am." So much for going above above and beyond.

My 5th grade teacher taught me the value of going above and beyond. But on January 22, 2010, I found out that it's actually a bad thing.

So the weekend finally arrived. I had now worked there for over a week, and figured the danger of getting fired, which had plagued the back of my mind since my first day, had now passed. I was getting better and more efficient at every task, and was set to follow through with this job until its completion in May. And I could finally stop worrying about how I was going to pay my rent. I ordered a nicer mp3 player off Amazon, that didn't require batteries and had an actual control screen!

Then came Monday the 25th. I left the house at the same time I always do, but the 101 was backed up the entire way. Like 20 miles. And since I live over 30 miles away from the office, this added up. I never found out what was causing the gridlock. I thought I heard something about a three car pileup on the radio. Then, as the traffic cleared up, I noticed a really big carcass on the road. Anyway, I got to work a full half hour late. As I was signing in, Griselda looked at me and said, "Traffic?" I said yes, that the 101 was backed up all the way to Hollywood. She then told me what batches to work on, so I got to it.

After one batch, I went to the bathroom. I was in the bathroom for a few minutes. Doing bathroom things. When I returned, I was starting on my second batch when I noticed Griselda motioning for me to come into her office. I did, and she said, "I want you to sign out and go home."

Let's stop right here. Can anyone imagine what was going through Griselda's mind at this point? Why she was doing this? I just want to convey some of the confusion I was feeling at that moment.

"Why?" I asked. She told me it was because I had been a half hour late and then immediately took a break, and that I can't be taking a break so early in the day. I explained that I had to go to the bathroom, and she said, "It's not the first time it's happened." And if you're having trouble following the line of logic in this conversation, it's because there isn't one. I tried to articulate the fact that I had zero control over traffic and bathroom emergencies. She then said that the other day, she had looked over at me and I had been sitting back in my chair, which I guess she construed as me being unproductive. I explained that me sitting back was because my back hurt from being hunched over the monitor for several hours straight, and was not an indication that I was taking the work lightly. She said, "I'll think about it, but for now, sign out and go home." She really just wanted me out of there. This was devastating to me, because I depended on this job to pay my rent, it had taken me forever to get hired anywhere, and now I was being fired for something that really wasn't my fault. I had never even been late before, and the entire time I worked there, I never once took all my allotted breaks. Unless you're a miserable cunt who counts bathroom emergencies as break time.

That night, my new mp3 player came.

Back when I was in 1st grade, I had a VHS tape of cartoons, but we didn't own a VCR yet, so I had never watched it. We had bought it at a supermarket or something. From the cover, I could see it had some Woody Woodpecker and Mighty Mouse on it. One day, we were told to bring in videotapes to watch in class, so I brought that tape. We were all sitting on the floor watching different people's tapes. As they were putting in my tape, some girl shoved up behind me and I turned around and told her to stop. As this was happening, the teacher was apparently sending kids out of the room for talking, and she promptly added me to that group. So as the class watched my tape, that I had never seen, I was sent to another classroom, to copy the rules of the classroom onto a sheet of paper. The injustice of my being fired from this job, for some reason, reminded me of that moment in 1st grade. I guess because both times, I felt that I did not deserve the punishment I was being given by an authority figure too distracted to bother thinking about where I was coming from. The irony is that as a child, I was prohibited from watching my videos and forced to perform mindless data entry, and as an adult, it was the other way around.

Buzz Tweets.

2009-12-30T13:44:00.000-08:00

So recently this Avatar movie came out. I've been waiting to see this for a very long time. But I couldn't afford to see it as soon as it opened. IMAX 3D movies are really expensive! So I had to wait. And waiting is dangerous for certain movies. There have been times in the past when I wasn't able to enjoy a movie because I had heard so many intense emotional responses to it before I got a chance to see it. For example, I couldn't see Pixar's Up until about a month into its release. In that time, I saw a thousand different tweets and status updates proclaiming how heart-wrenching it was, and how every single person who saw it had cried. Every single person. This prevented me from having a truly pure viewing experience, which is the reason I go to the movies in the first place. When I finally saw Up, I knew from a mile away what was going to happen, and I wasn't emotionally affected at all. Maybe something like that wouldn't bother some viewers. Some people like to know everything going in. But I don't like to know anything going in, period.

So when Avatar came out, I tweeted:

"I want everyone to stop tweeting about Avatar until I can see it. You're going to ruin it for me."

I knew this was an unreasonable request, made with tongue lodged firmly in cheek, but I figured it might possibly curb some of the commentary. People maybe would word their tweets more carefully. Immediately, my friend Tom posted like five tweets about how perfect Avatar was. Which he's totally entitled to do. But this was exactly the kind of thing I was hoping to avoid. Buzz that would create unreasonable expectations. So I took Tom off my follow list. And even then, I knew this would be a hassle. Because Tom's tweets are protected, so he would have to approve me when I re-followed him later on. And I knew Tom would probably give me a hard time about it. But it was either stop following him, or stop logging onto Twitter altogether. I'm sure if I was doing something that was compromising Tom's potential enjoyment of a James Cameron movie, he would want to avoid it as well.

So, like ten days later, my brother and I were finally able to see Avatar. I went ahead and sent Tom a follow request. The next day, Tom tweeted this:

"Diego unfollowed me over Avatar hyperbole. Now that he's seen it, a new follow request has arrived. Yeah. Let me get back to you on that."

What?

Why was he taking offense to this? He knew I was just trying to avoid Avatar discussion. I think he was just enjoying the power trip, creating drama out of a non-issue. I told him he shouldn't be offended because I didn't unfollow him for any personal reasons. I also suggested he was being a baby. He said unfollowing someone over non-spoiler hyperbole was "similarly infantile (winky face)." But exactly how is that infantile? I didn't block him from seeing my tweets. I didn't do anything that affected anyone but myself.

The word "spoiler" has come to be synonymous with specific plot points, but lots of things can spoil a movie. And "non-spoiler hyperbole," or "buzz," has spoiled many a viewing experience for me in the past. So now what, he wants to punish me for having a perfectly reasonable movie viewing preference? He knows I only meant to unfollow him temporarily. He should be honored that someone would even be interested in reading his stupid tweets.

Whatever.

2006 Dell Battery Recall.

2009-12-26T14:55:00.000-08:00

In 2006, they recalled a bunch of Dell laptop batteries because they were exploding or something. They told everyone to check the little numbers on their batteries to see if they needed to be recalled. Of my two batteries, one was part of the recall. So I just stuck it in my laptop bag and used the other one. It's nice having two batteries. I used to switch them out sometimes if one ran out and I couldn't plug into a wall socket for whatever reason. But since 2006, I've just been using the one, and the other just sat in my bag. I don't know why I never sent it in to get a free non-exploding replacement. To be fair, I did forget about it soon after, and haven't necessarily been consciously aware of this situation for the past three years.

Anyway, the other night, my battery broke. I don't know how it happened. I was running on battery power and walked away from the computer. The battery ran down to zero and the computer shut itself down. That's happened before. But when I plugged it in to recharge it, the battery started giving me error codes. I think it's dead. And I can't use my other battery, because it's one of the exploding ones. So I finally ordered the replacement today. It'll be here in 20 business days. I guess the real lesson here is, if there's a worldwide recall for your laptop battery, order the replacement right away. Because your other battery might break like three years later.

Alec Baldwin.

2009-12-01T19:11:00.000-08:00

So Alec Baldwin says that he plans to retire from acting when his 30 Rock contract expires in 2012. I remember he said he was gonna quit acting a couple years ago because he wanted to devote his life to helping fight parental alienation in divorce cases. Now it seems he wants to retire because he's disappointed with his overall performance on the big screen, and has therefore lost all interest in acting.

"I consider my entire movie career a complete failure. I'll tell you why. The goal of moviemaking is to star in a film where your performance drives the film, and the film is either a soaring critical or commercial success, and I never had that," he says.

Sorry, Mr. Baldwin, but I must object, for your movie career is a remarkable one. You tangled with Beetlejuice himself. You gave life to such beloved characters as Jack Ryan and The Shadow. You fucked with Demi Moore in The Juror. You've made unforgettable cameos in movies like Notting Hill, and, to an extent of glory against which all subsequent cameos in the universe must now be measured, Glengarry Glen Ross. You created magic with Scorsese in The Aviator and The Departed. But you wanna talk about DRIVING a film, sir? You fucking REIGNED in The Edge, toe-to-toe with Sir Anthony Hopkins himself. Plus a bear. That movie soars, and it does so partly on your back.

And on the other end of the spectrum, we have The Cat in the Hat. An awful film. But you, sir, made it watchable. Which was perhaps your greatest feat of all.

Retire if you must, but do not trash a fine career in the process.

Black Friday.

2009-11-27T19:18:00.000-08:00

Black Friday is happening right now.

Joyless families marching through Holocaust crowds. I can't believe that people will subject themselves to this torture just to save a couple of bucks. It's turned the holiday season into an ugly spectacle.

Black Friday used to just be a regular day. The day after Thanksgiving, when people realized Christmas was coming up, and we all had the day off, so everyone just went shopping. Because it was nice, and fun. Then all the crazy Black Friday deals started. People started lining up early in the morning so they could be sure to get the deals. Now I'm seeing things like people setting up gigantic tents in parking lots on the morning of Thanksgiving Eve. Staying there for 48 hours, through Thanksgiving, just so they can save a few hundred dollars on a laptop or a giant stuffed horse. I bet these people are spending more than they would have if there were no crazy deals.

I feel like shopping should be a relaxing experience. Go when it's not too crowded, pick out a few thoughtful gifts within your budget, and you're done. There are still plenty of deals outside the magical realm of Black Friday. Or you could be a part of the stampeding mob that actually took the doors off their hinges and trampled a Wal-Mart worker to death last year. This is why they call them doorbusters.

I hate this aspect of the holidays. I hate fighting through swarms of pissed-off consumers while the same 50 Christmas songs play on a solid loop for five weeks.

I definitely see myself one day moving to the mountains. Coming into town once a week, for provisions. And to go to the movies.

2012.

2009-11-14T02:31:00.000-08:00

I just saw 2012, which depicts a global disaster of apocalyptic proportions. I'm able to watch these gruesome events and enjoy them for the movie magic they are. However, the devastating kind of earthquake depicted in 2012 is a very real inevitability for the state of California, and I'm living right where it will one day hit. The fear of dying in a catastrophic earthquake that scientists are describing as "overdue" can be paralyzing. But when discussing this fear with my brother Jandro one time, he pointed something out to me.

At any given moment, a supervolcano could randomly erupt and kill everyone on the planet.

For some reason, all I have to do is think of that, and all my fears just melt away. I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Grinchmas Audition.

2009-11-03T18:27:00.000-08:00

I had heard in the past about this Grinchmas event they do at Universal over the Christmas holiday. I had never gone out for it because I always thought I'd be unavailable during Christmas, plus I didn't know what it was. But doing Halloween Horror Nights for the 5th time this year, everyone was talking about auditioning, and I was gonna need a job in December, so I decided to go to the auditions, which were yesterday at the Debbie Reynolds Studio on Lankershim in the Valley.

What they were looking for was a few guys to play the Grinch, in a super elaborate costume like the one Jim Carrey wore in the Ron Howard movie, as well as several residents of Whoville, who would wear Who prosthetics, also like in the movie. During Horror Nights, I heard people say that you would need to invent your own Whoville character, I guess to show off your improv skills and creativity, because the Whoville characters would roam the park and interact with guests. I think there's also a stage show or something, which might involve some light dancing. One guy showed up to the audition in full Who costume and prosthetics, with a prop basket. He was apparently a Whoville baker. I was thinking he should pretend to be a real Who, biologically, so he could complain that this is the only job he's really suited for.

While standing in line, I saw the official sign listing the role requirements and realized I had forgotten to bring a headshot/resume, which they had said on the website we MUST do. I don't have a headshot, but I do have an acting resume with my picture on top of it... but I had no printer ink at the time, so the whole issue was moot. I texted some people to ask, "What sounds better-- I don't have a headshot, or I forgot my headshot?" One friend said "I forgot my headshot." Another friend said "I'm waiting for my new headshots." But I thought the funniest option would be to say, "I don't like to give out headshots." Again, moot, because there was no point at which anyone asked about headshots. You either had one attached to your form or you didn't.

Anyway, they gave everyone a number while we waited in line, took our picture, then brought us in and measured our height. While being measured, I told them, "My doctor says I'm ideal Who proportions." Then they led us into a small dance studio, where they collected our forms and attached our pictures to them. I overheard the form/picture people bitching that they had given the same number to two people on more than one occasion. I suggested to them that they just add a ½ to one of them.

We waited on the floor, then about 50 of us were brought into a larger dance studio, where we were lined up in a semicircle around a table of the people in charge of directing and running Grinchmas. The head guy asked everyone to step forward and say their name, and as we did, he would put our form into one of two piles. See, before we could show them our skills in dancing, reading sides, or improvising, the first round of this would be a "type out audition." Type out is when they evaluate your overall look/vibe and determine whether or not it's even worth it to audition you further.

It's tough to convey the essence of your being when just stepping forward and saying your name. I said mine in a sort of slow, deliberate fashion, and the guy looked at me for an extra second or two before putting me in one of the piles. Then, he thanked everyone for coming to the audition and read out loud the numbers of the people he wanted to stay for the next round. I was number 127. I listened as he read the numbers, counting down from 150 to 101... "129... 128... 126..." Relatively few people were asked to stay, and I wasn't one of them. But apparently I made everyone directly around me look pretty good.

I wish they had gotten to see my skills at reading sides and improvising. I would've scored high there. I could've told them about my Whoville experience... which involved attacking people as a Chainsaw Killer Klown... but it was experience nonetheless. They should just do Christmas Horror Nights. I'd have been all over that.

Halloween Horror Nights 2009: My 3 Best Scares

2009-11-03T02:57:00.000-08:00

I've been working Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios Hollywood for the past three years. In 2007, I was a Chainsaw Killer Klown at Bates Motel in the Terror Tram. In 2008, I was a Chainsaw Pigman at the entrance of the Terror Tram. And this year, I was again a Chainsaw Killer Klown at Whoville in the Terror Tram. The key thing about scares is you want to get into a very efficient rhythm so that you can scare as many people as possible. The tramful of park guests passes by pretty quick. I developed several routines that allowed me to maximize my scares. By the end of this year's event, I must've scared thousands of people. Some people really enjoy the scare, like it's a fun game. Some people are genuinely terrified. At least once a night, we see people who don't even get past Whoville and ask show control if they can be taken back to the main park area without going through the maze itself. You work really hard to get these scares (especially with a chainsaw), and a lot of them are very basic and unremarkable. But I remember three in particular from this year that I really enjoyed, just because there was something that really clicked about each one. I'm going to write about them now so that I don't forget them. Scares are really a you-had-to-be-there kinda thing, so this may not read very interesting... but if you don't like it, go write your own blog.

In countdown form:

3. I was standing in the middle of the crowd and this girl backs into me. I think she was backing away from another clown. As she turns around, she says, "Oh, I'm so sorr--" and then she screams the second she sees I am also a chainsaw clown. This scare was very rewarding, particularly because I didn't really have to do anything.

2. Sometimes, after the crowd has passed, I immediately turn off my chainsaw and watch the people bringing up the rear to see if I can sneak up on them for one last scare. I saw this one girl talking to her friends. As I approached, I heard her say, "It's just not scary anymore. It's like--" then she turned and saw me standing there. The startling effect of my presence plus the embarrassment of knowing I had heard her criticizing the scariness made for a very effective combination. One of her friends goes, "You were saying?" To which she responded, "Okay, never mind, it's scary."

1. This was another case of me observing the people bringing up the rear, and is perhaps my favorite scare of 2009. I always do my best to scare as many people as possible, but I noticed a group of people pushing a girl in a wheelchair had slipped by me. So I silently ran up next to them along the side of the fence. As I approached, I heard the girl in the wheelchair in near hysterics, saying, "I HATE clowns and I HATE ch--" She was about to say chainsaws, but when I popped out, she unleashed a terrible scream of pure horror. Like, she was on the edge, and I pushed her overboard.

I don't really take pleasure in scaring people who don't want to be scared. I watch my fellow chainsaw clowns celebrate when they terrify someone into leaving or crying, and I marvel at their cruelty. I also can't relate to anyone who takes pleasure in scaring young children. The parents may be stupid for bringing them in the first place, but that's the parents' fault; not the kids'. In the case of the wheelchair girl, I didn't hear her shrill whining until I was already mid-scare. But her reaction was just awesome. I wonder what series of events led to her attending a park full of the things she doesn't like.

We also got a lot of celebrities. Because I'm scaring through a mask, in the dark, through a thick artificial fog in the middle of a fast-paced crowd, I usually only see people as shapes, and I just read the body language off the shapes, and that's how I conduct my scares. Whenever I go on break, I'll hear people say stuff like, "Did you see Diddy? He had his kids and bodyguards with him," and I'll remember having seen a big guy in a suit, obviously a bodyguard, and not noticing Diddy, or whoever the celeb was at the time. On Halloween (our last night), I was attacking people with the saw, as usual, swinging it at them like a baseball bat, when I noticed another bodyguard. Remembering the Diddy incident, I looked up to see if this was another celebrity. And it was none other than Tyrese Gibson. So I attacked Tyrese with a chainsaw and lived to tell the tale. We'll call that one an honorable mention.

Wanted 2

2009-08-26T15:22:00.001-07:00

So last year they came out with the movie Wanted, based on Mark Millar's awesome graphic novel. The screenplay for the movie was written after the screenwriters only read like the first issue of six, so the opening of the story is kinda the same, but what follows ends up being much different. Wanted the movie was fun, but nowhere near as original or cool as the graphic novel. Anyway, Angelina Jolie was in it, and now director Timur Bekmambetov wants to bring her back for the sequel. But if you've seen the first one, you know that's gonna be a little tricky. Here he is talking to MTV about it:

"If you remember from the first film, we have a recovery room with the baths of wax," Bekmambetov told MTV News. "We know how to do this, but it's still tough to do, because the bullet is inside her head."

"But there has to be a reason for her to come back... and we know the reason," he added. "I think we found the reason for her to come back."

I love how fucking stupid this quote sounds, especially out of context.

Happy 16th, Jurassic Park! Rex still looks real.

2009-06-11T18:27:00.000-07:00

Today is the 16th anniversary of the day Jurassic Park came out in theatres. I just know this off the top of my head because it's like my favorite movie. Here's some other movies that share its birthday:

E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1982) and Grease 2 (1982) both turn 27 today. What a day for Spielberg! Not so much for whoever the fuck directed Grease 2.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) turns 23 today. Still the best thing Matthew Broderick's ever done. Like, with his life.

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999) turns 10 today. Maybe the biggest letdown I've ever experienced in a movie theatre.

And Garfield: The Movie (2004) turns 5. God, I'd make a line graph to show how I feel about these movies, but I don't think I could find a y-axis long enough.

Now, you'll notice these releases are well spaced out, because movies generally come out on Friday (Wednesday in the case of Ferris Bueller, but then, he was a truant). So you have to wait for the years when it falls on the just the right day of the week. And the next June 11th to do so will be... next year! I consider it a sacred day, if only because of Jurassic Park. So what theatrical releases will be etched into history a year from today? Currently slated for release on June 11, 2010 are:

Joe Carnahan's A-Team movie and a Karate Kid remake starring Jaden Smith.

Son of a bitch. When's the next Friday June 11th after that?

... 2021.

Maybe they'll have a Wednesday release in 2014.

Seinfeld.

2009-05-27T03:07:00.000-07:00

Last night, I tweeted the following:

Someone just explained to me a joke from from a 15-year-old Seinfeld ep that I never realized I wasn't getting. I feel like a kid again!

A friend asked for an explanation, so here it is:

In the episode "The Chinese Woman," when Jerry and the caucasian Donna Chang keep mispronouncing things like "rines" and "ridicurous," I thought Seinfeld was simply lampooning the way people occasionally mispronounce words during conversation without acknowledging it, and I thought it was kind of odd, or possibly brilliant, that he doesn't ever follow it up with an analytical spiel within the episode, like he usually would. But it was just pointed out to me that the mispronounciations were supposed to be making light of the way Asians tend to transpose L's and R's (a habit I was of course aware of, but never connected to the "Chinese Woman" storyline). I think it's partly Seinfeld's fault, for having such an all-encompassing scope of observational humor that it never even occurred to me that that joke's most low-brow interpretation would be its intended one.

Speaking of Seinfeld, I thought it was cool that they reran "Male Unbonding (1.4)" and "The Couch (6.5)" back-to-back tonight. Two episodes separated by five seasons that have nothing to do with each other except that one introduces Kramer's make-your-own-pizza restaurant idea, and the other sees him seeing it through, five years later. I can't even say for sure that the pairing was intentional, since TBS is coupling episodes from seasons 1 and 6 all week. Incidentally, "The Couch" includes another joke that used to fly over my head as a kid, which is Kramer and Poppy's argument over when a pizza becomes a pizza paralleling the abortion debate from Elaine's storyline in the same episode.

What a show. I think Seinfeld is the best sitcom that will ever be.

In Memoriam: My Duffel Bag.

2009-04-15T19:06:00.000-07:00

A week and a half ago, I went to a shoot at the LA City College for an NBC pilot. I was one of very many background actors playing students at a fictional community college. When I got there, I followed the crowd and found all the extras sitting at an outdoor picnic area kinda near where the craft service was. I left my duffel bag by one of the tables and went to the big courtyard to do my background acting.

Several hours later, I returned to the picnic tables and saw that my duffel bag was gone. I asked one of the PAs to help me find it, and she tried, but it was nowhere. It was later brought to my attention that the background holding area was the building NEXT to the picnic area, so no one was really watching my bag while I was on set. So it could've been stolen by pretty much anyone with the power to stroll onto the LA City College campus. Which means, anyone with legs (or a wheelchair).

I hadn't put much thought into what items were in my duffel bag that day. But eventually, I came to remember all the possessions that were taken from me by a soon-to-be-dead man (or woman). Here's what I came up with:

1. The duffel bag. This was a pretty nice duffel bag. I bought it during my 2005 LA internship, in which I'd stayed at UCLA for 6 weeks. When it was time to fly home, I didn't have enough room in my suitcase, so I bought this duffel bag at the UCLA store. I don't want to think about how much it cost, but this bag itself was probably the most expensive of the items stolen. It was awesome.

2. My Universal Studios Hollywood Halloween Horror Nights 2008 employee badge holder. You get this when you work at Halloween Horror Nights (in 2008). I had it wrapped around the strap of the duffel bag. It has my name on it. So whoever has the bag knows exactly who they are fucking with.

3. My new black shoes. Every time I go to a shoot, they take a look at my brightly colored sneakers and force me to change into plain black shoes from the wardrobe trailer that never fit. So I bought some nice comfortable black shoes at Target, which I've only worn a couple times since. I don't know what sucks more; having something stolen that I've had forever, or having something stolen that I JUST BOUGHT.

4. My red henley. This was just a nice long-sleeved shirt with some buttons on top. You see it in my regular shirt rotation during the colder months. Or at least you did, for a long time. NOT ANYMORE.

5. My brown long-sleeved shirt with the blue stripes. I got it at Penney's in 2007. I am seen wearing it during casting on the WSTEC webdocs. These two shirts were in the bag because the wardrobe people like for you to bring OPTIONS.

6. My pocket Sudoku puzzle book. This didn't cost very much. I bought it at Gelson's because The Onion discontinued their usual Sudoku section and I wanted to do puzzles while in line at the UCB Theatre.

7. My Bigfoot crossword puzzle book. This didn't cost very much either, but I had to SEND AWAY for it. Whoever stole my bag is going to have lots of fun while they await my guaranteed vengeance.

8. My notebook. I've been writing all kinds of shit in this notebook for the past seven months. It's really annoying to lose something like that.

You know, about a month ago, I saw these two guys pick something up off the sidewalk and toss it back down. When I got to it, I picked it up and examined it. It was a wallet, with no money in it, but filled with all kinds of credit cards and other wallet shit. I figured I would just take it into a lost and found or something, but I couldn't be sure what building this person was going to when they lost it. So I took it home and mailed it to the address in the person's driver's license. I did this when everyone else was just throwing it back on the sidewalk. You'd think that would give me some good karma. But instead, the universe saw fit to pay me back for this by stealing my duffel bag. Could it be that my karma is making me pay for some grander crimes I committed in a former life? Cuz if so, that is BULLSHIT!

Bloggin' 'Bout Bloggin'.

2009-03-30T06:32:00.000-07:00

Apparently, this is my 101st entry on this blog.

I haven't "blogged" with any kind of regularity for a while. I'm always writing. But it's not always blogs. Sometimes, it's captions for photo albums, or parts of a script, or just some other weird long-term thing I'm working on. At this moment, however, I feel bad that my blogging seems so sparse. I imagine it will be disappointing to whatever set of eyes lands here someday, looking for a more complete account of a human life.

I used to have another blog, on Livejournal. There's a link to it on the side there. It was essentially the same as this blog. I also have a couple of "themed" blogspot blogs that I rarely use, and I used to occasionally blog on MySpace. My favorite kind of blog is one like this, where I just write about whatever I feel like and there's no real theme. But all these blogs came into existence for the same reason. So I could write shit when I wasn't writing, like, fiction. I feel better when I write. My Livejournal specifically is something I started because I was depressed, and it would cheer me up to just write some bullshit. Even if it had nothing to do with what I was sad about. Well, especially if it had nothing to do with what I was sad about.

Dude, why the fuck does my furniture make noise? Every fucking night, when it's really late and very quiet, my bookshelf makes a loud clacking noise. Like it's settling or something. YOU'RE AN INANIMATE FUCKING OBJECT, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Every time this noise happens, my heart skips a beat. I hate that shit. One day, I'm just gonna have an insane futuristic room with all the shelves built into the walls. This will of course be a secret room in a big mansion. Which has its ups and downs. On one hand, if something happens to me in my secret room, rescue workers won't find me and I'll die. But if a bad guy breaks into my home while I'm in it, he won't find me either.

This blog entry took a dark turn.

"Hi Superman!"

2009-02-19T09:57:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I was walking past a school and all the kids were having recess at the outdoor basketball court. I happened to be wearing a blue shirt with the Superman logo on it, red shorts, and even Superman-colored sneakers. As I'm walking past, I hear someone yelling, "Hi Superman! Hi Superman! Hi Superman!" So I look and it's this tiny little kid pressed up against the fence, trying to get my attention. So I wave at him, and he immediately bolts in the other direction.

What I like about this is that I don't look at all like Superman, but whatever discrepancies there were in my costume and physical appearance were completely ignored by this kid, and, depending on how fanciful he was, it's possible that in his mind, on that day, he saw Superman in reality. Awesome.

New Logos.

2008-12-30T10:11:00.001-08:00

Look at these new Pepsis.

The "smile" gets bigger or smaller depending on the drink's... what, potency? Pepsi has gone through a LOT of different looks over the years, but I think far and away my absolute favorite is the white can with the old logo from the late 80's/early 90's:

Simple. Elegant. Perfect. If you like Pepsi. I'm more of a Coca-Cola man.

Here's some other recent beverage makeovers.

When I was in high school, Nestea looked like this:

That looks like a fun drink! Now, Nestea looks like this:

That looks like medicine.

And how bout Sierra Mist? I only started drinking this a couple years ago. It looked like this:

That also looks like a fun drink! Now it looks like this:

That looks like a horror movie.

Also:

I feel like every time they redesign beverage logos-- or any logos, for that matter-- I like the new logo a lot less. But I suppose logo changes are necessary... for time travelers to be able to triangulate the approximate year in a pinch.

-Diego

Carolers!

2008-12-23T03:44:00.001-08:00

The other night I was out for a run when I turned a corner and found myself looking at real life CAROLERS. As in, a group of people singing "O Come All Ye Faithful." I was quite amazed at the sight. Even though I've been aware of the existence of carolers my entire life, and I've seen them all the time in videos, this was the first time I ever saw them with my naked eye. And as I observed this phenomenon for real, I was struck by what a bizarre thing it is, for this group of assorted persons to stand around in the darkened streets outside a house and sing with their unprofessional singing voices. A woman came out of the house cradling her dog like a baby and just watched them, like she might watch her TV. What a weird thing! The neighbor also popped out, while talking on the phone, possibly telling someone about weird things happening in his neighborhood.

I wonder what other extremely common things I've managed to never see in person.

-Diego

The Day the Earth Did Something Stupid.

2008-12-10T18:15:00.000-08:00

Twentieth Century Fox has announced that on Friday, December 12, 2008, not only will it release the remake of 1951's "The Day the Earth Stood Still" (starring Keanu Reeves) into both regular theatres and IMAX, it will also be transmitting the film into deep space.

I can't believe it either! IMAX!

The movie will be fired into Alpha Centauri, which is the closest star system to our own solar system, and they'll be receiving it sometime in the year 2012. This is the first intergalactic feature-length movie transmission, so that's pretty cool. Only... well, right now, this movie's got 8 out of 11 rotten reviews on rottentomatoes.com, giving it a shameful 27% on the tomatometer.

What if there's an advanced civilization in Alpha Centauri? These possibly genocidal aliens are going to watch the transmission and make the following observations:

- This movie is shitty and pisses us off.
- This movie gives us the idea to take over Earth.
- The assholes who sent us this are a mere 4.37 light years away.

Then today, I saw a commercial for it on TV. At the end of the commercial, the announcer said this:

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL. RATED PG-13. THE ONLY PLACE YOU CAN SEE THE NEW "X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE" TRAILER.

I was actually looking forward to this movie before all these promotional stunts. Doesn't Twentieth Century Fox realize how blatantly they are forecasting that the movie itself is not good?

All I can say is, they better attach that Wolverine trailer to the deep space transmission, because if they don't, those aliens are going to be fucking PISSED.

-Diego

Golden Oldies.

2008-11-22T20:01:00.001-08:00

I wasn't very well-versed in popular music when I was growing up. I picked up some of it peripherally, but my entire time at elementary school, when I would listen to the radio in my room, it was always tuned to Majic 102.7, an oldies station in South Florida. That was over ten years ago. I was back in Florida recently, driving around on some nights, so in my search for decent music (which ultimately eluded me), I tuned to Majic 102.7. But something was very different about this station now. Not all of the songs they were playing were oldies. But they hadn't changed formats or anything. Then I noticed that the station was now purporting to feature all the "greatest hits of the 60s and 70s."

Whoa. Excuse me. But oldies are from the 50s and 60s. Not the 70s. Apparently, somewhere around the turn of the century, oldies stations started concentrating less on the 50s and more on the 70s to stay hip to their demographics. This sounds to me like an immeasurably foolish precedent.

You can't redefine what constitutes an oldie as the decades pass. Pretty soon, everything's gonna be an oldie. But everything from the past few decades already has a name. Like disco, classic rock, punk, grunge, or easy listening. And so it goes for all music present and future, because whenever a style of music changes enough that it can be classified as something else, they always come up with a new name. Like nu metal, psychobilly, hatecore, indie pop, or even pornogrind.

My point is that the term "oldies" was coined for one style of music. The original rock and pop music from the 50s and 60s. If they change that, and give its name to something else, the world will be dumber for it. Words from our cultural lexicon change their meaning all the time, but the cause is typically general ignorance. This isn't like Nick at Nite phasing out The Dick Van Dyke Show and airing George Lopez under the banner of classic TV (as egregiously foul as that is). This is serious. This is our language. Fuck everyone who contributes to the death of the golden oldie.

-Diego

This Ain't No Cartoon.

2008-09-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

Just a couple weeks ago, I blogged on here about how hurt I was that Superman Returns wasn't getting a sequel, and I referred to my comic book movie wish list, the #1 item of which was that we'd get another live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Earlier this week, Turtles co-creator Kevin Eastman said the following on a message board:

Yes, it is true. Although the CGI film did well enough to warrent a sequel, there has been much talk between Imagi and Warners to do a better "re-invention" (newest Hollywood buzzword) of the TMNT's, in a live action film--like what was done with Batman. Back to basics, back to the origin and the intro of the Shredder, etc...there have been talks, trips to Northampton to talk to Mr Laird, and discussions with the original "first" TMNT film director Steve Barron to come back and do it right--but no official word yet...will keep you posted. Best, Kevin

The greatness of this news rivals the shittiness of the Superman news. I am so happy right now. Seriously. All I was even presuming to wish was that they make a live action Turtles movie. I wouldn't have cared if it was a big piece of shit. I daredn't DREAM that they'd even involve Steve Barron in something like this. The idea that they're even CONSIDERING it is just... wow.

This story has since been decried by some people in the know (see some of the Ninja Turtle blogs linked on the right-hand column of this blog), claiming "these rumors are not true." But everyone needs to look closer. All these bloggers are saying is that this is not an official press release about the definitive next TMNT movie. And Kevin Eastman never said it was. He said this is what they're talking about. And I guess some of the more fast food-approach McBloggers like Perez Hilton were reporting that this was an official deal that was happening. But it's not. It's just talk. And right now, that is more than enough for me.

Cheers,
Diego

Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?

2008-08-22T16:19:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I was standing somewhere waiting for a ride, and I started making a list in my head. A list of comic book movie wishes. Like, if I could make a list of comic book movie-related wishes, and they could all come true, what would they be? I'd ask for a Nolan Batman movie with the Riddler in it. Maybe a Fantastic Four reboot (and quick). Possibly an Ed Solomon-scripted Men in Black sequel. Above all, I'd definitely want another live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, the exact style of the first movie, that maybe more directly adapts the early seasons of the original animated series.

But the first wish that popped into my head, and was the thought that prompted the list to begin with, was that I wished there would be a direct Bryan Singer-directed sequel to 2006's Superman Returns. I don't think anyone anticipated a movie like this as the culmination of two decades of false starts and aborted attempts to bring Superman back to the big screen. Some people didn't like it, and they all had their own different issues with it. I was thrown by it, but only because it seemed like it was setting something up that we wouldn't get to until its hypothetical sequel(s). I'd had a similar reaction to Singer's X-Men, which he then followed up with the really awesome X2. So I wasn't too worried about it, and I actually like Superman Returns a lot. In the past year or so, there have been numerous worrisome rumors about Singer possibly not getting to do his follow-up (announced in early 2006 and referred to tentatively as "The Man of Steel"). The shooting date kept getting pushed back while Singer worked on other movies. In October 2007, his two writers actually left the project. And since then, there have been more rumblings that the franchise might get rebooted. The talk would never get too far, but it always troubled me that I never heard any quotes from Singer himself about what was happening. Last month, Warners supposedly started taking pitches from new writers for the Superman sequel. As far as anyone knew, this didn't mean Singer was necessarily losing the franchise, and Brandon Routh was still the official Superman.

Today we got confirmation from Warner Brothers that Superman is getting rebooted. Studio exec Jeff Robinov gave a whole quote explaining about how they're going to do like Marvel and introduce solo movies for each DC hero with the eventual intent of putting them all together in a Justice League movie, and that all the heroes will be dark and brooding like The Dark Knight. He elaborated, proving even further that he had no idea what he was talking about.

This really hurts me. I was emotionally invested in Superman Returns, and it looks like I'm never going to find out where it was going. I want to hear from Bryan Singer already. Why the fuck is Man of Steel dead?

Cheers,
Diego

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Bullshit.

2008-08-16T13:33:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, WB Entertainment President & COO Alan Horn announced that they were changing the release date of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince from November 21, 2008 to July 17, 2009. He said it's mainly because a lot of other movies had WGA strike-related complications and they needed something like Harry Potter to pick up the slack come blockbuster season.

At the exact same time, Issue #1007/1008 of Entertainment Weekly hit the stands. It was a Fall Movie Preview double issue, and the cover was a picture of Harry Potter's face.

This kinda sucks for the Entertainment Weekly peeps, who pride themselves on having their collective finger consistently on the pulse. Especially because it's a double issue, so it'll be on racks and shelves everywhere for two whole weeks before they can put out another one. But if you ask me, this was no accident. Warner Brothers knew Harry Potter was gonna be the cover story of Entertainment Weekly. I bet they purposely waited to make the announcement so they could still get that fortnight of face time on newsstands.

Tricky, fellas. But not tricky enough.

Incidentally, I kinda preferred the idea of a Harry Potter movie coming out in the fall. Just, aesthetically, it seemed to make more sense. Now we gotta see it in the summer. And wait an extra eight months for the privilege. WB spun this by pointing out that it'll shorten the wait between Half-Blood Prince and the next Harry Potter movie. In other words, we should go fuck ourselves.

Cheers,
Diego

R.I.P. Bennigan's (1976-2008)

2008-08-15T15:14:00.001-07:00

Bennigan's is dead. Or is it?

Everyone knows Bennigan's Grill & Tavern. Or, uh, Bennigan's Restaurant. Whatever it is, everyone knows it. And apparently, it sucked. I just read a little bit about how in the 90's, they started cutting costs by bringing in frozen products, low quality meat, and other garbage. For some reason, Mr. Bennigan, or whoever the hell was in charge of things, just didn't know how to run a good restaurant. But it was something you could rely on. "Where can we go for dinner?" "Bennigan's." "God no."

On July 29, 2008, Bennigan's owner S&A Restaurant Corporation filed for bankruptcy and Bennigan's officially became defunct (along with some other chain called Steak and Ale). Overnight, they closed their doors forever. It seemed like our world might never be the same. "Where can we go for dinner?" "Bennigan's." "Doesn't exist anymore." Man. But then I found out something else. Roughly half of all Bennigan'ses in the country were franchises, and thus, were not affected by the company's bankruptcy. All franchise Bennigan's locations remain open! This does me no good, because there aren't any Bennigan's locations around here (ironically, there used to be one, but I think it closed sometime last year just for sucking). And if there were, I wouldn't know, because the Bennigan's website is now a dead link. But maybe you, dear reader, out there in some other state (or any of its international locations)-- you may have a Bennigan's near you that is still in operation. Go there and choke down some of their disgusting low-grade meat. Celebrate the rogue slophouse that will not die.

Wait a minute. Steak and Ale. I REMEMBER THAT PLACE. I definitely went there once when my brother and I were in elementary school. The walls were stone, like a castle. Man, that brings back memories. And now it's gone forever?!

R.I.P. Steak and Ale (1966-2008)

Cheers,
Diego

Thinking About Batman.

2008-07-15T02:12:00.000-07:00

With The Dark Knight coming up, I was in the mood to watch the first four Batman movies, but I don't have any of them. I wanted to find out how much it would cost to buy them, so I looked up "Batman: The Motion Picture Anthology 1989-1997." This is a box set with 2-disc special editions of all four Batman movies (it would be stupid to try to buy any of them without getting the cool extras). But this box set is like, already out of print. It only came out in 2005, to promote Batman Begins. And now if I want to get it, I have to meet whatever price I can get for a used copy. That's so not Raven.

I found it a lot easier to enjoy these movies after Batman Begins came out. Before then, there was no live action Batman that really encompassed everything cool about Batman in a solid way. They all had good things about them. Even the two Schumacher ones (mostly Batman Forever). But they were always frustrating because they all had flaws, and there was no better live action Batman alternatives. Batman Begins changed everything, and I can now appreciate Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, and Batman & Robin for all their strengths, without forcing them to shoulder the burden of "representing Batman correctly."

The Schumacher movies are cool and interesting. But they are not proper Batman movies. They're outrageous, shiny, and gay. I don't mean that in a bad way. I just mean that one day, I watched them and I realized, this guy put in a lot of homosexual overtones, in both the heroes and the villains. The recurring imagery of sculpted rubber asses and nipples. The way Batman and Robin go on about being partners. The way Riddler and Two-Face flamboyantly mince around in costume jewelry. This interpretation is not necessarily crazy or wrong. It completely fits the style of the movie. But I can't ignore the fact that Joel Schumacher himself is gay. I have to believe that had something to do with the fact that he made a movie where everyone is a little gay. If Schumacher weren't gay, I don't know if I would've thought about it so much. It's an interesting discussion point.

The biggest atrocity the Schumacher movies commit is ruining five good Batman villains. The Riddler is a self-sabotaging genius. Two-Face is a tragic former friend of Batman, whose deformity leaves him a cold slave to chance. In the movie, they're both just hyper clowns. But they are both slightly redeemed by the brilliant actors portraying them, making them still be funny in a world that is otherwise without subtlety. Mr. Freeze is another cold, tragic figure. In the animated series, his backstory made you care for him, despite every horrible act he committed. And Poison Ivy is an inhuman monster who controls people with her sexuality. In the movie, they are both just gimmicky pun factories. And Bane, who, in the comics, was so formidable a foe that he actually broke Batman's back, is reduced to a grunting henchman. It's like they scrounged up a few minutes extra screen time and decided to assassinate another priceless comic book legacy while they were at it. They also turned Batgirl into a complete joke.

But in the end, it's good that these movies exist. Partly because their shittiness prompted the uproar that led to the faithful Batman Begins. But mainly because Batman is a character that has lived through the ages in countless thankfully unique interpretations. And every incarnation of the character is a part of who "Batman" is. Batman is the sum of every comic book, movie, and breakfast cereal boxtop about him.

Even that piece of shit indie movie where some guy captures Batman, then rapes and kills him. That's a part!

Cheers,
Diego

Will Smith Movies.

2008-07-03T13:37:00.000-07:00

I am going to see Hancock tomorrow. I've been looking forward to this movie for probably over a year, since it was just a vague premise under its original title, "Tonight, He Comes." I've also been thinking about Will Smith movies in general. In the early stages of his career, I considered him infallible. This changed after a few missteps (which, like his successes, were colossal). But it's been mostly good, which is impressive, considering he has starred in AT LEAST one movie per year since 1995.

I decided to look through his filmography and catalogue his Top Best and Top Worst movies, in my opinion. In my opinion, here they are, in fun countdown order:

THE TOP FOUR BEST WILL SMITH MOVIES

4. The Pursuit of Happyness (2006) -- One of my favorite movies of that year. Smith is wonderful in this inspiring adaptation of a true story.
3. Enemy of the State (1998) -- I don't remember too many specifics about this movie, but I remember it being an impressive thriller with a lot of good stuff in it.
2. Independence Day (1996) -- One of my favorite action movies of all time. Amazing cast, awesome action, and a marriage of script and performance that never gets old.
1. Men in Black (1997) -- One of the best overall movies of all time, hands down. A script so well-written and perfectly performed. I don't expect Big Will will ever top this. But I enjoy seeing him try.

Honorable Mentions: I, Robot (2004), and I Am Legend (2007).

THE TOP FOUR WORST WILL SMITH MOVIES

4. The Legend of Bagger Vance (2000) -- I never actually saw this movie, but I was on a plane once (either going to or coming from France) and this was up on the little TVs without volume. It looked kinda boring. Consider this entry a testament to how few bad movies Smith has actually made.
3. Shark Tale (2004) -- I didn't see this either, but I think I saw a part of it once. It doesn't stink because of anyone in it; it's just another one of those generic bullshit DreamWorks CGI projects with a ginormous cast (and nothing else of interest).
2. Wild Wild West (1999) -- This was the definitive moment when I realized Will Smith was, indeed, not infallible. This movie, from Men in Black director Barry Sonnenfeld, was one of the biggest wastes of money and talent the world has ever seen. I challenged myself to think of one thing about it I liked. I could only come up with the train full of gadgets that I think there was. And the Will Smith music video.
1. Men in Black II (2002) -- I actually couldn't decide which was worse; Wild Wild West or this, also from the frighteningly incapable Barry Sonnenfeld. I decided this was worse, not just because of how bad it is, but because it destroyed one of the most promising franchises of all time. The one thing I liked about it was the brief moment where Will Smith and Biz Markie speak in an alien beatbox language. And the Will Smith music video.

I've been avoiding the big spoilery trailer for Hancock. I've heard the audio for it a few times, but avoided the video every time. Despite this, I've still picked up a few peripheral images here and there. Finally, tomorrow, I can be staring at the screen when the entire story is flashed before my eyes. I just hope it's good. This time, they don't have a music video.

Cheers,
Diego

Cell Phones While Driving.

2008-07-02T02:36:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of the new law in California: All drivers have been prohibited from using the phone while driving. However, if you're 18 and over, you're allowed to use a hands-free device. I think this kinda defeats the purpose of the law. People are all gonna be fumbling with their new headsets and we're gonna see a spike in traffic accidents. And after a while, all the morons yakking on their cell phones will essentially be driving around in stealth mode and the rest of us will be unable to see the phones and maneuver around them with caution.

Here's the real problem: It's not the act of holding the phone with your hands that is causing accidents. It's the act of engaging someone in conversation that slows your concentration and reaction time. Phone conversations are actually more dangerous on the road than drunk drivers, and several studies have proven that hands-free devices do NOTHING to change that (not that we need studies to tell us what common sense should already have covered). They should just outlaw cell phones while driving altogether. We got along on the road for 100 years just fine without them.

Cheers,
Diego

Bizarre Human Behavior.

2008-06-23T20:52:00.000-07:00

I was at Subways and the girl making my sandwich went to cut it in half. She cut it really fast, tossed the knife aside, then stopped. She examined the cut, pulling the bread slightly apart, and realized she hadn't cut it all the way. Then she thought about it, continued wrapping it, and put it in a bag.

I could not explain her train of thought.

Cheers,
Diego

The Dark Knight Posters.

2008-06-18T07:07:00.000-07:00

In 2005, I was looking at all the cool Batman Begins posters coming out, and I decided that I definitely wanted one. Here were the basic options:

Teaser posters, such as "black and white in cave" and "silhouette."

I generally don't like teaser posters, so I didn't bother with those. I was more into the bat swarm-filled theatrical posters:

I knew I didn't want the one where he's holding Katie Holmes, and I think the one of his head and shoulders was technically, like, the official official theatrical poster, but the one where he's flying overhead with his cape spread was just too beautiful to pass up. So I knew I'd get that one eventually. Then one day they announced that they were pushing up the release date from June 17 to June 15. I immediately ordered the flying cape poster on the chance that I'd get one with the original date, and sure enough, I now have a poster that has the incorrect "June 17" on the bottom. I thought that was kinda cool. I pulled the same trick the following year when they pushed Superman Returns up from June 30 to June 28. So I have a nice display of both incorrectly-dated posters together. I am pleased by things that probably wouldn't please most other people.

Now The Dark Knight is coming out, and I have to think about which poster I want. In December 2007, they put out some domestic and international teaser posters:

Then in April 2008, they released the official theatrical poster (with the burning building), as well as some alternates and extra teaser stuff. I don't know which of it is international or what:

You mightn't know this just from reading it, but I did a fuckload of research just to write this ridiculous post. Anyway, I think I would definitely like to get the official theatrical one of Batman before the burning building. That's basically the only Dark Knight poster I would consider essential display material. Ideally, though, I'd like to also find mini versions of the two teasers of Batman and Joker's backs and use them to replace my two current Transformers mini posters of Megatron and Optimus Prime. The Transformers ones are cool, because they're profile shots (so they're looking at each other), but I didn't really love that movie, so I'm always looking for a new pair to replace them. It's like I'm dating someone I don't really like (so I can get sex while I wait for "the one"). Right now, I think the hypothetical mini versions of the Batman/Joker back teasers are "the one."

So, to recap. I want big theatrical burning building and two mini back teasers.

However. This Friday I was at a store looking at action figures when I saw they had some 22x34 posters for The Dark Knight at five dollars each:

Five dollars for 22x34 posters. That's a fucking deal. So I bought them. They also had the original teaser one of the graffiti on the wall, but I don't much care for that one. I mean, it's painted bricks. I figure I'll take down my big Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life poster and put these two up in its stead. It's a heavy loss, but I still have the original Lara Croft Tomb Raider mini-poster to keep Angelina somewhere on that wall. And I still want the other three that I said.

Mini posters are easy to come by. I get them for free all the time at movie theaters and comic book stores. But it's not often I actually purchase new full-size posters. It seems to only happen now when there's a Superman or Batman movie. Although next year I will probably get at least one Watchmen poster.

Cheers,
Diego

The Length of Things.

2008-06-07T05:57:00.000-07:00

It's interesting how people seem to have just organically decided how long everything should be. Songs are a few minutes long, movies are a couple hours long, etc. What if society had evolved in such a way that, organically, we decided songs would be a half hour long? Is it based on societal sensibilities, or is it more biologically based (though of course the two are far from mutually exclusive)? I wonder if there was a society where humans were exactly the same, but the society itself was really different. Or a very similar society, but the humans were way smarter. Would songs and movies be the same length?

Cheers,
Diego

The 2008 MTV Movie Awards.

2008-06-02T01:07:00.000-07:00

Tonight I watched the 2008 MTV Movie Awards. I made picks on a ballot beforehand to make it more fun. Here's how I did:

BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE
MY PICK: Amy Adams, Enchanted
WINNER: Ellen Page, Juno

Whatev. Both were good.

BEST FIGHT
MY PICK: Tobey Maguire vs. James Franco, Spider-Man 3
WINNER: Sean Faris vs. Cam Gigandet, Never Back Down

I should've known. That whole movie was about fighting! I'm glad it won. I just went with Spidey 3 because that was an exceptionally cool fight.

BEST SUMMER MOVIE SO FAR
MY PICK: Iron Man
WINNER: Iron Man

No contest there.

BEST MALE PERFORMANCE
MY PICK: Will Smith, I Am Legend
WINNER: Will Smith, I Am Legend

That was one of Will's best roles. He really makes that movie.

BEST COMEDIC PERFORMANCE
MY PICK: Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
WINNER: Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Naturally.

BREAKTHROUGH PERFORMANCE
MY PICK: Michael Cera, Superbad
WINNER: Zac Efron, Hairspray

I'm not really sure what this award means.

BEST VILLAIN
MY PICK: Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men
WINNER: Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

I suppose if anyone merits two awards, it's Johnny Depp.

BEST KISS
MY PICK: Daniel Radcliffe and Katie Leung, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
WINNER: Briana Evigan and Robert Hoffman, Step Up 2 the Streets

I only picked Harry Potter because I thought that was the funniest potential winner of the "Best Kiss" award.

BEST MOVIE
MY PICK: Juno
WINNER: Transformers

Holy shit. Overall, it was a pretty good show. Mike Myers was a good host. The Wayne's World comeback was fucking awesome (it was exactly as good as it was in the early 90's). And I scored a three out of nine. Funny that there was only nine awards (not counting Adam Sandler's lifetime achievement thing). I'm really amazed that there's no category for Best Song. This would be the ideal show for it. One, because they love to nominate stuff that would never get recognition at the Academy Awards, so they could nominate all the bullshit pop songs they wanted. And two, because they used to show music on this channel. Although, to their credit, they did throw in a couple of completely irrelevant live music performances by Coldplay and the Pussycat Dolls. I'd say the low point of the evening was when Seth Rogen and James Franco, in a seemingly unscripted moment, took out a bag of weed and smoked a J before presenting an award, and the directors in the booth were so flustered, they nervously stayed in a super wide shot for the whole thing, and cut to some useless reaction shots toward the end. Grow some balls, MTV.

I do like that there's an award show where Step Up 2 the Streets and Never Back Down both walk away with awards.

Cheers,
Diego

New Blog: Redbox Rentals.

2008-06-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

I just started a new blog dedicated exclusively to my Redbox rentals. What the hell does this mean? Read it to find out.

Big D Pitchas: Redbox Rentals.

Cheers,
Diego

I Love James Cameron.

2008-05-17T23:07:00.001-07:00

I saw an article today that said James Cameron's next project might be "The Dive," a true story about the romance between this Cuban diver guy and his female protegee. First, Cameron told the Hollywood Reporter this:

"After Avatar, I want to do something a lot smaller."

Then, he said this:

"It's a drama, a love story. This will require underwater photography, which will look gorgeous in 3-D."

Cheers,
Diego

Iron Man Action Figure.

2008-05-02T05:08:00.000-07:00

I got my tickets for Iron Man two weeks ago. I'll be seeing it tonight. I thought it would be cool to get an Iron Man toy before I saw the movie. So last week, my friends (Justin, my brother, and Carl) and I made arrangements to have lunch on Wednesday (April 30) at a Burger King in Burbank (the one seen at the beginning of Back to the Future). I figured we'd have lunch, get one of those Burger King Iron Man toys, then walk next door to the Toys R Us and possibly buy one of the new Iron Man action figures.

So on Wednesday, we went to Burger King. Justin ordered his food first. He didn't want a toy, so he didn't ask for one. I asked for one, and the lady told me you could only get one if you ordered a Kids Meal. Because they didn't want to run out, she said. Yeah, I can only imagine how a hopeful customer would feel if they came all the way to Burger King and couldn't get their Iron Man toy. It sounds awful. Anyway, I had already made my order, and she had already called it into the microphone, so I just said fine and I got no toy. Then my brother walked up to the cashier next to me. I told him in advance about the Kids Meal thing and told him to get a Kids Meal so he could get the toy. He said he didn't want a Kids Meal.

My brother frustrates me sometimes. A Kids Meal is food, isn't it? What the fuck difference does it make what you order? If it's too small, just order more!

So he didn't even try to get the toy. When we sat down, Carl had an Iron Man toy. He said he just asked for one and they sold it to him. When we finished eating, Carl ended up throwing it away on accident. So already this day was not going so hot. We walked over to the Toys R Us and they had some Iron Man stuff, but no action figures. A guy who worked there checked the computer and told us the Toys R Us in Van Nuys was also sold out, but the one in Glendale had four action figures left. He gave me a printout of that information (it was a pretty slow day).

In my experience (which has been documented on this blog in the past), whenever they tell you a store in a nearby city has three or four of something left in stock, this means that store is sold out of that thing, and their computer inventory is off by about three or four. But I live close to Glendale, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to look. First, we went to the Glendale Target. They had some Iron Man stuff, but no action figures. Then we went to the Glendale Toys R Us. They had some Iron Man stuff, but no action figures. I asked a woman who worked there if they had any Iron Man action figures left, and she looked at me like I'd just walked into a supermarket and asked for fresh pterodactyl meat. She walked me over to the shelf I had already looked at and double-checked with another employee, who reacted as if she had just asked him if maybe there was some pterodactyl meat left in the freezer. I showed her the printout from the other Toys R Us, not really expecting it to help, but just so she would know that Toys R Us fucked us into traveling a long distance for nothing. She theorized that maybe the phantom four action figures had been stolen. Hmm.

Later that day, I went to Golden Apple Comics and the West Hollywood Target. Golden Apple had a giant display of Iron Man stuff, with an action figure stuck in as part of the display. If they were selling these babies, I didn't see them. Target had some Iron Man stuff, but no action figures.

I'm not crazy, right? Is it too much to ask that toy retailers stock action figures of one of the biggest movies of the year on the WEEK it's coming out?

This whole situation got me to thinking about how last week, I was in La Habra, where I visited a Target and a Walmart. The Target had had a couple of Iron Man action figures and the Walmart had had a bunch. I hadn't bought anything then because I had no money, and I figured I would just get it on our Burger King/Toys R Us trip on Wednesday. But now I had nothing. So yesterday, I went back to La Habra and had lunch at Chick-Fil-A. Then I went across the street to a second Walmart that La Habra had, that I had never been to. And oh my god, this La Habra Walmart, oh my god. Not only did they have Iron Man action figures. They also had Incredible Hulk action figures, Indiana Jones action figures, and The Dark Knight action figures. They also had standard turtles in their TMNT action figure line. From now on, this place is my first stop.

Right now, there's five Iron Man action figures to choose from:
- The Mark 1. This is Iron Man's shitty first armor that he builds in the movie.
- The Mark 2. This is the second version that looks almost like the final version, except it's silver.
- The Mark 3. This is the final red and gold Iron Man suit.
- The Prototype. This is essentially the Mark 3, but with detachable parts to reveal Tony Stark underneath.
- Iron Monger. I believe this is the giant suit the villain builds in the movie.

Now, I'm a sucker for a superhero's shitty first costume. My favorite part of Spider-Man was when he was wearing that stupid wrestling outfit. So I was very interested in the Mark 1. But I also kinda wanted the final suit, so I could display it with my Superman Returns Superman and Batman Begins Batman. And the Prototype's removable mask feature was very tempting. Every kid wants the action figure that can switch between superhero and secret identity (I had the BTAS Bruce Wayne/Batman as a kid). So I ended up going with the Prototype. Also, the La Habra Walmart didn't have any Mark 1s.

The action figure is pretty cool looking. It's hard to play with, because it lets you switch out his bare arms for armored arms, and those babies'll fall off if you handle the figure in any way, as will his shoulder pads. Whenever I show it to people, I hear myself saying "could you pick that piece up?" a lot. But for display purposes, it works beautifully. The removable mask is great. I'm not sure about the scale, because this Iron Man is noticeably taller than Superman and Batman. So maybe they won't stand next to each other on my action figure display. Maybe stick him in the back so he loses a few inches from perspective.

And hey, tonight I'm actually seeing the movie!

If I could offer one bit of wisdom based on this experience, it's this: If you ever want to get a new movie action figure, but you live in or near a big city, just drive directly to the Walmart that's 30 miles out of town.

Cheers,
Diego

American Idol Loser Wish List: Top 4.

2008-05-01T02:46:00.000-07:00

Here's my American Idol Loser Wish List from last week. In order from the person I most want off the show (David Archuleta) to the person I least want off the show (Brooke White). With tonight's Bottom Two underlined.

1. David Archuleta.
2. Jason Castro.
3. David Cook.
4. Syesha Mercado.
5. Brooke White.

And Brooke White went home. I'll keep watching for Syesha Mercado, but the show is essentially over for me.

Here's my Loser Wish List for next week:

1. David Archuleta.
2. David Archuleta.
3. David Archuleta.
4. David Archuleta.

Cheers,
Diego

American Idol Loser Wish List: Top 5.

2008-04-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

Here's my wish list from last week. It goes in order from the person I MOST want off the show (David Archuleta) to the person I LEAST want off the show (Brooke White). I've underlined last night's Bottom Two.

1. David Archuleta.
2. Jason Castro.
3. David Cook.
4. Syesha Mercado.
5. Carly Smithson.
6. Brooke White.

Wow. Not a single guy in danger. Not David Archuleta, who I think sucked, or even Jason Castro, who sucked in a more obvious way. Instead, our Bottom Two are Syesha Mercado and Carly Smithson, with Carly ultimately being sent home. I can't believe Archuleta and Castro's popularity. This show is a piece of shit.

Here's my Loser Wish List for next week:

1. David Archuleta.
2. Jason Castro.
3. David Cook.
4. Syesha Mercado.
5. Brooke White.

I think I've reached the point where the order of my list is pretty much locked in, and the only thing that will change every week is who comes off it. Only four more weeks of bullshit to go.

Cheers,
Diego

Where Not to Sit II.

2008-04-23T18:18:00.001-07:00

This is a continuation of my entry from March 13, People Telling Me Where Not to Sit: A Story in Two Parts (part two specifically). Today I took my brother to the DMV for another crack at the driving test. Again, I was told to step out of my car, and I approached the bench on the side of the building, where there was already a girl reading a textbook. I sat down peacefully next to her with my book. But the same woman who booted me off the benches last time was watching me walk, and when I sat down, she told the both of us that we had to move to the front of the building.

But this time I wanted answers. So when she said this, I responded, "How come?" She paused, thrown by this potential challenge.

"How come?" she repeated.
"Yes."

She then pointed at a sign behind me on the wall that said:

AREA RESTRICTED TO
DRIVE TEST
APPLICANTS ONLY.
I could see I had already started to upset her, so I ended my line of questioning right there. But if I had felt more leeway, I would've pointed out that my car was being used for a drive test, and that the drive test applicants themselves are never required to be outside the car at any point, which would've segued to my ultimate question, "Why are there benches here?"

On a side note, I told my brother before the test that if he passed, we would get dinner at Boston Market, but if he failed again, we would get dinner somewhere shitty. He passed (it took me three tries too). I gotta remember this Boston Market trick in the future.

Cheers,
Diego

American Idol Loser Wish List: Top 6.

2008-04-21T03:33:00.000-07:00

Here is my loser wish list from last week. The higher on the list, the more I want them to leave. I've underlined the names that ended up being the Bottom Three.

1. David Archuleta.
2. Jason Castro.
3. Kristy Lee Cook.
4. David Cook.
5. Syesha Mercado.
6. Carly Smithson.
7. Brooke White.

Will you look at that. This is the second time I've had to see Brooke in the Bottom Three. And on top of that, Ryan gave the immediate reprieve to Syesha, making me have to see Brooke in the BOTTOM TWO. In the end, Kristy Lee Cook went home. This was so close, it didn't even feel like a victory. I'm coming to the point where I'm not going to want to watch the show anymore.

Here's my Loser Wish List for this week:

1. David Archuleta. It's kinda good that he hasn't been in a Bottom Three yet. People feel secure about his future, and hopefully this will lead to a blindside elimination. I really dislike him now.
2. Jason Castro. Haven't forgotten this guy. I want him out too.
3. David Cook. Doesn't really need the show anymore.
4. Syesha Mercado. Always does great, and always gets shit on by the judges.
5. Carly Smithson. See above.
6. Brooke White. I hope last week's Bottom Two scare will push people to give her more votes. Also, I noticed the past two weeks, during the Wednesday night medleys, she keeps getting screwed in terms of solo distribution. If it happens again, it won't be a coincidence.

Okay. Very simple this week. I'm rooting for an all-male Bottom Three and an all-female Top Three. Let's see how good I do.

Cheers,
Diego

American Idol Loser Wish List: Top 7.

2008-04-16T03:54:00.000-07:00

Last week, my American Idol Loser Wish List (ordered from shittiest to best) was this:

1. Jason Castro.
2. Kristy Lee Cook.
3. David Archuleta.
4. Syesha Mercado.
5. Michael Johns.
6. David Cook.
7. Carly Smithson.
8. Brooke White.

The Bottom Three were Syesha Mercado, Michael Johns, and Carly Smithson. What the fuck. WAY off. I hate a Bottom Three that guarantees the loss of a good singer. In the end, Ryan sent Michael Johns packing, which sucked, but I was happy to have the two girls remain.

Tomorrow is the next elimination. Here is my new list for the week:

1. David Archuleta. Simon keeps giving him glowing reviews, and I just don't like him at all. I don't enjoy the sound of his voice. He is becoming a huge threat, and I want him off the show now.
2. Jason Castro. Suck!
3. Kristy Lee Cook. Inconsequential.
4. David Cook. Like I say every week, I think this guy is great, but I hope he doesn't take one of the higher spots, because he's like the only current Idol who is already guaranteed a career after the show. That's why I put him in the Daughtry spot.
5. Syesha Mercado. Love her.
6. Carly Smithson. Could use a high rank, and definitely deserves it.
7. Brooke White. My fave.

Every week, Simon sucks all the guys' dicks and then gives all the girls shit reviews. Syesha is consistently good, but they keep finding bullshit reasons to criticize her. "You're imitating Whitney." "I don't think people know that song." How bout you concentrate on how good a fucking singer she is? I thought that's what the contest was. With Carly, they always claim she wasn't as technically good as she could be. Am I just tone deaf? Then there's Brooke. I think these judges are systematically destroying her confidence to the point where she's not performing as well as she could. And they seem to trash her more because she's so good about taking criticism. Obviously she's not going to win this thing, because the whole goddamn show is designed to reward only the powerhouse singers, whether they deserve it or not (see Season 6). But Brooke's perfectly suited for that cool piano woman style, and that is a valid thing that should hold more weight on this stupid fucking show.

Cheers,
Diego

Made of Honor.

2008-04-03T12:47:00.001-07:00

There's a movie coming out called Made of Honor. It stars Patrick Dempsey as a guy who's a shameless womanizer, and whose best friend is a pretty girl played by Michelle Monaghan. Their relationship is unbelievably platonic, but when she goes on vacation, he realizes that he loves her. So when she comes back, he goes to make his move, but whoops-- she's got a fiancee! And she wants him to be her maid of honor! What the fuck! Now it's up to him and his scheming guy friends to break up the engagement.

If you ask me, the title of this movie should be, "My Best Friend's Wedding," because it's essentially a fucking remake, but it's actually called, "Made of Honor." Get it? It's a pun on "maid of honor." That's great. The problem is that the pun makes no sense. See, a pun should have, at the very least, a double meaning. Like, the movie "Witless Protection," starring Larry the Cable Guy. The first meaning comes from the fact that he's in witness protection, and the pun gives it the second meaning; that he's a witless moron. But there's nothing about Patrick Dempsey's situation that fits with the literal interpretation of "Made of Honor." He's MADE of honor? No. That doesn't work. This movie is shit.

Cheers,
Diego

American Idol Loser Wish List: Top 8.

2008-04-02T22:25:00.000-07:00

So last week, my American Idol Loser Wish List went like this:

1. Jason Castro
2. Ramiele Malubay
3. Kristy Lee Cook
4. David Archuleta
5. Syesha Mercado
6. Michael Johns
7. Brooke White/Carly Smithson/David Cook

Tonight, the Bottom Three were Ramiele Malubay, Kristy Lee Cook, and Brooke White. So, right off the bat, my #1 pick was wrong. But it turned out Ramiele went home, which was my #2 pick. So I did good this week. Here is my revised list, with Brooke White, Carly Smithson, and David Cook finally split into individual slots:

1. Jason Castro. Should already be home.
2. Kristy Lee Cook. Is very nice, but has to go sometime.
3. David Archuleta. Is occasionally great, but not my cup of tea.
4. Syesha Mercado. Still hasn't done anything to crack my top four.
5. Michael Johns. Solid.
6. David Cook. I think he's already secured himself a proper post-Idol career, so going out in 3rd place wouldn't hurt him a bit. He's like this year's Daughtry.
7. Carly Smithson. I'd like to see her stay as long as possible, till America gets that she's great.
8. Brooke White. Sadly, her personal non-powerhouse style does not lend itself to winning American Idol, so she's kind of a long shot. But seeing her in the Bottom Three tonight made me realize I'm not okay with her leaving the show at any point.

Cheers,
Diego

Longing for Less Information.

2008-03-30T04:42:00.000-07:00

I kinda miss the days when people wouldn't know a movie was getting made until the actual trailer came out in theaters. Ever since the Internet became a household tool, I've been filling my head with information about every movie in every possible stage of development. I don't even know why I do it. It's one of the first things I ever naturally found myself doing online. I mean, it's because I love movies. But I'm also robbing myself of a certain measure of joy. A joy that maybe doesn't even exist anymore thanks to the virus-like proliferation of entertainment news all over the place.

One of my most vivid childhood memories is of one night when I was in my living room and a commercial for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze came on the TV. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were of course my entire life in elementary school, and the first movie was basically my primary object of worship. So when this commercial came on out of nowhere, I very clearly remember being beside myself with euphoria. And I also very clearly remember having no idea what had just happened on the commercial I saw. Like, as soon as it was over, I had a vision of Leonardo or someone in a giant room doing something, and I couldn't tell you what. I hadn't been able to retain anything concrete from the commercial because of how happy I was to see it. The pure thrill of seeing an unexpected movie trailer for the first time is quite simply unmatched by the mundane experience of reading about a pending deal on a movie news website.

I still find myself overwhelmed by certain trailers. The teasers for Superman Returns and The Dark Knight, for example, took my breath away despite the fact that I had long already known those movies existed. But there is nothing like a trailer for something you love taking you completely by surprise. I think the last time a movie caught me by surprise was in 2003, when I went to see Bad Boys II and they showed a trailer for Once Upon a Time in Mexico. As I slowly realized that I was seeing a trailer for a sequel to Desperado, I was shocked. I love Desperado! How the hell did this get made without my knowing about it? I've been looking at movie news on the Internet since the mid-90's.

I don't know if that will ever happen to me again. But I hope so.

Cheers,
Diego

American Idol 7 Picks.

2008-03-27T01:10:00.000-07:00

So Chikezie went home tonight. He wouldn't have been my pick, but I suppose it could've been worse.

Here's who I think should get voted off next, in order:

1. Jason Castro. Who should have gone home long before the Top 12, let alone the Top 9.
2. Ramiele Malubay. Not bad, but never really wows me.
3. Kristy Lee Cook. Because enough is enough.
4. David Archuleta. The only realistic threat whose success I would have a problem with.
5. Syesha Mercado. Although it looks like she might already be gone by this point.
6. Michael Johns. Seems to get shit on a lot, but has already proven his greatness (usually with Queen).

Then, as long as the Top 3 are Brooke White, Carly Smithson, and David Cook, I don't care who wins. I think they've been the standouts for a while.

Cheers,
Diego

Homeless.

2008-03-21T12:40:00.000-07:00

Today I saw a homeless guy walking through traffic with a sign that said, "WHY LIE? I WANT A BEER." And wherever there was free space left over, he wrote in stuff like "CIGGS" and "SKUNK WEED." I had to take pause to decide whether or not I found this admirable, and it occurred to me that gauging one's reaction to this sign would be an interesting social Rorchach test.

Personally, I'd like to think that if my life fell completely apart and I resigned myself to a slow, public suicide, I would still maintain a sense of humor about it.

Cheers,
Diego

Double Yellow Lines.

2008-03-20T19:49:00.001-07:00

Today I saw someone do the exact thing that I got busted for last year. Merge over double yellow lines to stay on the 110 N when the car pool lane turned into an exit. In about eight years of driving, it was my only traffic violation.

I would never do that today, because I'm very familiar with the road, but at the time, I did it out of fear that it would take me forever to find my way back onto the 110, and I guarantee you I pulled it off a hell of a lot more safely than this guy today did. But the guy today did not have to pay a $300+ ticket and go to online traffic school. I had to do those things. And every day, I see people stopping traffic so they can make illegal turns over double yellow lines. Double yellow lines should be treated like walls, not the suggestion of walls, to be acknowledged only when it's convenient. Maybe they should start building real walls.

I'm not sure if there is a point to this post.

Cheers,
Diego

Sandwich Stories.

2008-03-17T13:36:00.000-07:00

Last week, I went to a Steak Escapes and started to say my order. Before I could finish, the woman at the register interrupted and predicted what the rest of the order would be.

I kinda don't like being recognized like this. I enjoy anonymity when it comes to stupid things like sandwich orders. I guess it's because I'd rather be recognized for more noteworthy things. Like, one time I was interning at a place and they asked me to photocopy a 400-page book about the Trail of Tears. They showed me how to lay it down on the Xerox machine and press down just right so the pages wouldn't come out crooked, and the binding wouldn't cut off any of the words. So I did it exactly how they told me. For the rest of the day, people were complimenting me on how well I photocopied this book. The receptionist introduced me to someone who worked there, and she said, "Diego? Oh, you photocopied the Trail of Tears!" And she started raving about how usually their book photocopies are terrible, but that the one I did was awesome. What I had done was not really a big deal, but I completely appreciated the recognition. If someone sees me and is like, "Oh, this guy. He's going to get turkey philly. Watch." That just makes me never want to go to that place ever again.

Then today, I went to a Quizno, and I got the two sammies from Celebrity Apprentice.

See, last week, their task on the show was to create a new sandwich for Quizno. Team Hydra (Lennox Lewis, Piers Morgan, Carol Alt) created the Champ (turkey, cheddar, lettuce, tomato, Chipotle Mayo), and Team Empresario (Trace Adkins, Stephen Baldwin) created the Cowboy Club (prime rib, Mozzarella, bacon, sautéed onions, Chipotle Mayo). They are only available for the rest of this week. But I bet if I go in next week and tell them the ingredients, they'll make me the goddamn discontinued reality show sammies.

So I ordered these babies, a guy made them, and the woman at the register said, "Sammies meal?" I could barely tell what she was saying because of her heavy accent, so I nodded, she rang me up, and I paid. But then I was given a beverage cup. I hadn't ordered a beverage. I then realized "sammy meal" is the name of a combo. I didn't want a combo. I just thought she was asking me if the two sammies were the meal I had ordered. The lesson here is don't assume you know what someone with a heavy accent is saying, because they may be putting extraneous items on your debit card.

The drink came in handy later because the Chipotle Mayo was a little spicy. As for which sammie I prefer, I'm gonna have to give the edge to the Cowboy Club. But I take it without onions.

Cheers,
Diego

People Telling Me Where Not to Sit: A Story in Two Parts.

2008-03-13T15:40:00.001-07:00

PART ONE

Some months back, I took my brother to a job interview at Disney Interactive. We drove up to a building at the end of a cul de sac (really more of a dead end). In front were some picnic tables and a general patio area. We walked up to the building and there seemed to be no reception area. He peered in a glass door and said it looked like a break room, so we walked around to try to find the entrance. We found some doors propped open by a loading area, so we entered the building. We passed through an area with cubicles and asked someone where to go. They directed us to the break room. Oh. So there is no reception area.

My brother sat next to a couple other people who were filling out forms and started to fill one out himself. One of the other applicants asked me if I needed a form, or a pen or something, and I told them no. I sat there peacefully reading my magazines that I had brought in a bag.

Later, a woman came up to us and asked if we both had an appointment. My brother said no, just him. She asked about me, and my brother said I was with him. She then asked me if I drove, I nodded my head, and she asked me if I could go wait in my car, because this was a "secure building." You mean this warehouse full of computer game workers in cubicles with the doors propped open on the side is a secure building? And my sitting in the break room reading my own magazine while my brother does a scheduled interview makes the building no longer secure? And I should go out past the outdoor patio area and sit in my car? You think that's gonna make your world safer? Or is it just that you need to tell people what to do? It's gotta be one of those.

PART TWO

Today, I took my brother to do his driving test at the DMV. We got there early and parked in the driving test lane on the side of the building. This is where cars line up to do the test. There was nobody there to tell us what to do, so we turned off the car and stepped outside to wait for someone. After a bit, a guy walked by and started berating us. "What are you doing? You just gonna leave your car there? Wait inside the car. You gotta learn how we do things around here. See, those guys behind you got the right idea, but they're not done yet. Sir! Turn your car off! Turn it off! Save some gas." Then he went inside.

Learn how things are done around here? How many driving tests does he think I intend to take in the coming days? So my brother sat in the car and I, anticipating the arrival of the driving test evaluator, sat on one of the two benches they had there by the side of the building. While I was sitting there peacefully reading another piece from my bag of magazines, a woman told me I couldn't sit there, and to wait in the car with my brother. Why? She didn't explain. In the car, I was able to help in handing my brother all the necessary documentation he needed to show; driver's license, insurance, registration. Then I of course got out of the car so the evaluator could get in and they drove off. So I sat back down on the bench and continued reading my magazine. A man stood next to me, apparently waiting for his son, who was doing the test as well. The woman came around again and told us both that we could only wait either inside the building or in front of it, but not where we were.

Oh, so we can never sit on these benches. I just thought we were allowed to wait there, because our cars were being used for driving tests, and that's the exact spot where they would be coming back, and if my brother failed the test, it would actually be illegal for him to drive the car anywhere to find me. That was the only reason.

So I moved all my stuff to a bench in front of the building that was identical to the bench on which I wasn't allowed to sit. I read my magazine there, and eventually I got a phone call from my brother, asking me where I was. I told him, in front of the building. He was confused, but then, so was I.

There seems to be this unsettling thing going on where people go to work, and they don't run the company, and they don't own any of the property there, but they enjoy exercising meaningless authority. It doesn't make much of a difference either way, but I guess I understand why they do it. The weird thing is that the side of the building is only used for driving tests. So here's my question.

Why the fuck do they have benches there?

Cheers,
Diego

Robinson Crusoe.

2008-02-27T22:55:00.000-08:00

From comingsoon.net:

Robinson Crusoe Washes Up at NBC
Source: The Hollywood Reporter
February 25, 2008

NBC has ordered 13 episodes of "Robinson Crusoe," a drama series based on Daniel Defoe's classic novel, and plans to launch it this fall or mid-season 2009, depending on whether there will be an actors strike in the summer.

The Hollywood Reporter says "Crusoe" will be an "adrenaline-charged version" of the 1719 novel with a contemporary feel and voice, including a 21st century take on race relations, but it will be a period drama, taking place in the 17th century when the book is set.

"It's part 'MacGyver,' part contemporary morality tale about race and personal discovery, part comedy and part 'Cast Away' meets 'Survivor,"' Silverman said.

Like the novel, NBC's series will center on Crusoe and his relationship with his loyal servant Friday. But in addition to their adventures overcoming marauding militias, hungry cannibals, wild cats, starvation and apocalyptic lightning storms described in the book, the series will introduce additional characters and elements, including a MacGyver-like knack of the lead character for making handy tools and devices out of common items.

Now that's a pitch.

Cheers,
Diego

Why Borders Rewards Sucks.

2008-02-05T05:55:00.000-08:00

It's free and easy to sign up, so why not. Every time you go to Borders, you show them your Borders Rewards card, and they scan it with your purchase.

But what does this actually do?

First, you have to make sure it's a Qualifying Purchase. Qualifying Purchases are purchases you make that qualify for Borders Bucks accrual. It has to be in a participating store, and it can be anything they sell (excluding purchases of gift cards and gift certificates, online transactions, or any transaction that involves Group Savings and Services or Teacher/Classroom discounts). Then you can get your Borders Bucks.

And what are Borders Bucks?

Well, whenever you spend any money at Borders, it is entered into your Qualifying Purchases balance. When you spend a cumulative amount of $150, you earn 5 Borders Bucks. Those bucks are only available to you in the month FOLLOWING the month in which they were earned. When that month is over, the 5 Borders Bucks go away. What if you reach the $150 in Qualifying Purchases and you get the 5 Borders Bucks, but you're not aware that it's even there? Then you don't get it. You have to catch the next one. Which will no doubt be easy, considering how everyone can afford to spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars at Borders all the time. But you better be careful, because at the end of every calendar year, your Qualifying Purchases balance, wherever it's at, gets reset back to zero. Why? So it will be harder for you to get Borders Bucks.

If anything, this actually makes me want to shop at Borders less.

Cheers,
Diego

Beefburger.

2008-02-01T04:22:00.000-08:00

It is my contention that the word hamburger should no longer exist.

The term "hamburger" originates from the German city of Hamburg, and was coined in the late 19th century. Eventually, the "burger" part became a suffix, used in new terms such as cheeseburger, turkeyburger, veggieburger, or any other type of burger. This made the original hamburger inaccurate, because it is not made from ham. Hamburgers, then, should be called beefburgers.

I refuse to call a beefburger anything other than beefburger. And I would hope that everyone else adopt the same policy.

Cheers,
Diego

Goo Goo Dolls.

2008-01-29T23:50:00.000-08:00

I've been waiting a long time for the Goo Goo Dolls to put out a greatest hits album. To the point that I started compiling my own list of Goo Goo Dolls singles, so I could just make my own, since they weren't going to. But then last November, they finally came out with "Greatest Hits Volume One: The Singles," which I immediately purchased. It contains all my favorite Goo Goo Dolls songs, and some others I'd never heard before. However, my absolute favorite Goo Goo Dolls song, "Name," is not there. In its place is a new version of it, recorded especially for this album. I didn't immediately get pissed off at this, because I remember Collective Soul had a new version of "She Said" in their greatest hits album, and it wasn't bad. It was actually almost identical. But this new version of "Name," I've since discovered, is kinda shitty. It's cool to hear it played differently, but it's horrifying to own the greatest hits album of a band that includes all their best songs, except for your very favorite one. Couldn't they have just stuck the classic version at the very end or something, like a bonus track? Or maybe have this new shit version be the bonus track. This is like having sex with a woman, and it's a perfectly wonderful session of crazy hot monkey sex, then right as I'm about to have an orgasm, she says, "hold on a second," and gives me a nice backrub. Thanks for the backrub; I appreciate it. But truth be told, I was hoping to achieve ejaculation.

Cheers,
Diego

Movie News.

2008-01-25T04:50:00.000-08:00

So I was looking through my daily movie news sites, and I saw the following headline:

Alba on Sin City 2 and Fantastic Four 3

These guys got a quote from Jessica Alba, most likely during press for The Eye, regarding her involvement in the upcoming comic book movies Sin City 2 and Fantastic Four 3. There's also a sub-headline regarding a possible Dark Angel movie. Great! Here's the article, from comingsoon.net/superherohype.com:

Soon to be hot mom Jessica Alba talked to ComingSoon.net/Superhero Hype! on Wednesday about her upcoming films while promoting her new thriller, The Eye.

CS/SHH!: What can you tell us about your character in "Sin City 2"?
Jessica Alba: I haven't read a script. I don't know anything about it. Robert (Rodriguez) and Frank (Miller) haven't talked to me about it at all.

CS/SHH!: How long until we get "Fantastic Four 3"?
Alba: I have no idea. I know the writers strike and the impending actors strike has kind of put a wrench in everything production wise. That film takes a lot of prep, a good six months of prep and about six months to shoot. With the strike, I think, maybe it's put on hold.

CS/SHH!: Any thought into making "Dark Angel" into a film?
Alba: We've talked about it, I want to work with Jim so I would pretty much do anything he wants to do.

CS/SHH!: In the "Fantastic Four" comics your character becomes a mother. Would you like to see that in the film?
Alba: Little Franklin? Yeah, I think that would be hilarious. He's so powerful, I think that would be a really interesting dynamic a mother-child dynamic. She's still a superhero but she's super protective and he's wild, he can do anything and has no sense of what's appropriate, that would be really fun.

The Eye opens in theaters on February 1.

So, apparently Jessica Alba not knowing anything about anything is newsworthy. This website is like a friend who tells you every thought that runs through their head. "I think I'm hungry, but I don't know yet." That's great. Did I need that info?

Cheers,
Diego

Calendar.

2008-01-21T15:49:00.000-08:00

I had a really good calendar last year. It was the 2007 Künstler Civil War Calendar. It listed significant dates that related to the American Civil War, with Civil War paintings by Mort Künstler, accompanied by commentary that discussed what was being depicted in the pictures. This year, I went to the seasonal calendar store in the Glendale Galleria, looking for a 2008 edition, but I didn't find it. What I did find was an almost identical-looking one called the 2008 Künstler Legends in Gray Calendar. It was light gray instead of blue, and the entire thing was themed for the Confederacy. Why would Mort Künstler make such a drastic change in 2008? I am of course opposed to the Confederacy, so I didn't buy it. Instead, I bought a calendar that had facts about American presidents. But, judging by the back cover, this president one wasn't nearly as nice-looking as a Künstler calendar. So, without even opening it, I went back and exchanged it for the Legends in Gray calendar.

Later on, I looked on the Internet and discovered that there was indeed a 2008 Künstler Civil War Calendar. But it wasn't at any of the stores I went to this entire month. So, as of right now, I am stuck with a Confederate calendar for the rest of the year. Why don't I just buy the one I want? Because I refuse to pay full price online when all the stores are offering such attractive discounts. Am I condemned to not enjoy the rest of the year? What have I done?

Cheers,
Diego

Bioengineering.

2008-01-08T17:17:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to see The Great Debaters, which was very good. It was directed by Denzel Washington. There was a kid in it who plays the son of Forest Whitaker. He is part of a debate team coached by Denzel Washington, and the influence of these two men mold him into a... well, a great debater. At the end credits, I saw the name of the actor who played this kid.

Denzel Whitaker.

What? Oh, fuck off! That's his real name? He is supposedly not related to either of them. What's weird though is that this kid looks EXACTLY like Forest Whitaker, and acts with the intensity of Denzel Washington. I think what happened is they took the DNA of Denzel Washington and Forest Whitaker and combined it to make their exact genetic hybrid (and then just invented him a backstory with fake parents). Denzel Whitaker is therefore the greatest actor that has ever walked the earth. To date.

Cheers,
Diego

Survivor: Micronesia - Fans vs. Favorites

2008-01-05T18:48:00.000-08:00

So the other day I composed a list of the top twenty castaways I would like to see return for the upcoming installment of Survivor. I then got the new Entertainment Weekly (#973), which had a two-page spread detailing the final cast. What I hadn't realized when I wrote the list, however, was that they seemed to only be choosing people from seasons 9-15 of Survivor, just as All-Stars (season 8) was cast from seasons 1-7. So I wasted eleven of the twenty spots on my Top 20 list on people who weren't even being considered. Here now is my list again, with the names of the people who weren't chosen darkened out, and the people who weren't even eligible crossed out. For the sake of expediency, I've removed my original commentary.

20. Gary Hogeboom, Survivor Guatemala
19. Clarence Black, Survivor Africa
18. Rupert Boneham, Survivor Pearl Islands/All-Stars
17. Terry Deitz, Survivor Panama
16. Elisabeth Filarski, Survivor Australia
15. Ted Rogers, Jr., Survivor Thailand
14. Ashley Massaro, Survivor China
13. James Clement, Survivor China
12. Yau-Man Chan, Survivor Fiji
11. Rob Cesternino, Survivor Amazon/All-Stars
10. Jenna Lewis, Survivor Borneo/All-Stars
9. Robb Zbacnik, Survivor Thailand
8. Shane Powers, Survivor Panama
~~7. Lex van den Berghe, Survivor Africa/All-Stars~~
6. Parvati Shallow, Survivor Cook Islands
5. Hunter Ellis, Survivor Marquesas
4. Richard Hatch, Survivor Borneo/All-Stars
3. Judd Sergeant, Survivor Guatemala
2. Courtney Yates, Survivor China
~~1. Colleen Haskell, Survivor Borneo~~

So, James, Yau-Man, and Parvati. That's not too shabby. I love watching all three of them. But no Judd or Courtney? That's two omissions that really hurt. Makes me wish this was another straight-up All-Stars.

Here, by the way, is the list of names I had also considered, but left off the list:

- Alicia Calaway, Survivor Australia/All-Stars
- Jerri Manthey, Survivor Australia/All-Stars
- Colby Donaldson, Survivor Australia/All-Stars
- Tom Buchanan, Survivor Africa/All-Stars
- Christy Smith, Survivor Amazon
- Heidi Strobel, Survivor Amazon
- Jessa Morasca, Survivor Amazon/All-Stars
- Danni Boatwright, Survivor Guatemala
- Aras Baskauskas, Survivor Panama
- Sekou Bunch, Survivor Cook Islands
- Yul Kwon, Survivor Cook Islands
- Amanda Kimmel, Survivor China

Amanda is all right. Her face always reminded me disturbingly of Parvati, so it will be incredible to have them both competing together. Amanda is more of a strategist though, so I would expect her to last longer (unless they follow tradition and eliminate the established strategists first).

And here's the rest of the people who will be in Micronesia:

- Cirie Fields, Survivor Panama -- I kinda liked her. She started out the game incapable of surviving outdoors, regretting her decision to compete in the show, and marked for elimination by the rest of her tribe. But circumstances spared her, and she grew to become a pretty good player. She made it to 4th place, eliminated only after losing a fire challenge when there was a tied vote. She was also in my list peripherally as the OR nurse that Shane showed his balls to.
- Jonathan Penner, Survivor Cook Islands -- I completely forgot about this guy, but I'm actually very happy to see that he's on the show. Everyone in Cook Islands hated him, but he was great to watch.
- Ozzy Lusth, Survivor Cook Islands -- A good competitor who had the strength and agility of some kinda monkey. Will be interesting to have back, I suppose.
- Eliza Orlins, Survivor Vanuatu -- Who the fuck is this?
- Ami Cusack, Survivor Vanuatu -- Let me just clarify that Survivor Vanuatu was quite possibly the worst season ever of Survivor, and my absolute least favorite. So why are there two people from it? I can't imagine anyone in the tribe of fans actually knew these bitches by name.
- Jonny Fairplay, Survivor Pearl Islands -- This is the dumbest Survivor to ever play the game. He bragged to an irritating degree, and was actually a terrible strategist and a huge pain in the ass. He became notorious when he had his visiting friend tell him that his grandmother had died, in order to win sympathy from the other castaways (the grandmother, in reality, was fine). But what never gets mentioned is the fact that the dead grandmother trick only helped him win a meaningless reward (his friend got to stay longer-- wow!). It didn't do shit to help him with the actual game. He did manage to swear on his grandmother's grave a couple times before being voted off, so I guess there is that. The only pleasure I would get from watching this guy is if maybe he gets voted off in the first episode or something.

By the way, I just noticed that Jonny Fairplay is from season 7. So maybe I was wrong about that whole first eight seasons cutoff. Whatever.

Cheers,
Diego

Superman Not Returning?

2008-01-04T05:12:00.000-08:00

From comingsoon.net/superherohype.com:

Routh Out of Superman Sequel, Too? Source: Latino Review January 4, 2008

Not long after we mentioned this article from Variety stating that Bryan Singer is highly unlikely to direct the Superman Returns sequel, Latino Review posted more possible bad news for the second film -- Brandon Routh may not return either as Clark Kent/Superman.

According to the site, the actor that lands the Superman role in George Miller's Justice League will go on to star in a separate Superman movie as well.

Again, none of this is official until the studio actually confirms or denies these rumors (about both Singer and Routh), so it will be a wait-and-see game for now.

With all the sketchiness surrounding this Justice League movie and its imminent infection of every potential DC superhero movie franchise by way of spin-offs, I've consistently sought comfort in that fact that at least Batman and Superman were safe in their own pre-established franchises. Just the rumor of something like this is enough to make me sick. I don't even want to think about it.

Cheers,
Diego

Survivor Dream List

2008-01-02T03:20:00.000-08:00

At the end of Survivor China, they revealed that the next Survivor installment (premiering 2.7.08) would feature hardcore Survivor fans competing against former castaways. All they would reveal is that at least one of them would be from the Survivor China cast. In anticipation, I composed a list of people I would like to see return to the show. Here it is in a very loose, but nevertheless countdown format.

The Top Twenty Past Survivors I Would Like to See Return for Survivor: Micronesia - Fans vs. Favorites

20. Gary Hogeboom, Survivor Guatemala -- This guy was a quarterback in the NFL for ten years in the 80's. For the purposes of Survivor, he claimed his name was Gary Hawkins, and that he was a landscaper, because he thought his football background might cause other players to eliminate him. Unbelievably enough, there was another contestant named Danni, who was in sports radio, and she recognized him instantly. However, he denied everything and kept his secret safe the entire time he was on the show. There's really no reason to have him back; I just think he's cool.
19. Clarence Black, Survivor Africa -- Early on in the game, the rest of his tribe went off somewhere and Clarence stayed behind with one of the girls, who wasn't feeling well. During this time, he opened a can of beans and ate it. When the tribe got back, everyone was furious. He tried to say that he opened it for the girl who wasn't feeling well, but she said that was a bunch of shit. This is the reason he was voted off.
18. Rupert Boneham, Survivor Pearl Islands/All-Stars -- During the first episode of his first stint on Survivor, the two tribes had washed ashore of a small village with nothing but the clothes off their back and were desperately seeking food and supplies to bring to the camp. Rupert hung back, stole the shoes of everyone in the opposing tribe from their unattended raft, and used them to barter with the villagers. Later in the season, a fellow castaway trying to pull her weight accidentally dropped their only fishing spear into the ocean, and promptly forgot where. Rupert searched an area the size of like three football fields and found it. He was later awarded a million dollars for being the most popular Survivor in All-Stars.
17. Terry Deitz, Survivor Panama -- A former fighter pilot and retired Commander from the US Navy. His entire tribe was picked clean, but he made it to the final three by winning pretty much every single individual immunity challenge. Then he lost the final immunity and got the boot. Makes you wonder if he could do it again.
16. Elisabeth Filarski, Survivor Australia -- Better known now as Elisabeth Hasselbeck, mother of two, wife of Arizona Cardinals QB Tim Hasselbeck, and four-year conservative co-host of The View. When she first started out, she was nothing more than a 23-year-old shoe designer with a pretty smile. I'd love to see how the years have changed her.
15. Ted Rogers, Jr., Survivor Thailand -- This guy tried to get cozy with a fellow castaway one night, and when she gave him shit about it in front of everyone, he shot back some of the best bullshit that's ever been said on Survivor. Some quotes that stand out lovingly in my memory are, "I'm not even ATTRACTED to you!" and "I am one hundred and fifty... to two hundred percent devoted to my wife!"
14. Ashley Massaro, Survivor China -- A lady wrestler for WWE who was voted off second this season, partly because she was on a shitty tribe. I think she could be pretty good.
13. James Clement, Survivor China -- The hugely sculpted grave digger who contributed a refreshing dose of levelheadedness and work ethic to his otherwise mostly spoiled tribe. Was eventually double-crossed and eliminated while holding two immunity idols in his backpack.
12. Yau-Man Chan, Survivor Fiji -- This was the funny little Asian guy who got pretty far despite his diminutive stature. He stole our hearts, but fell three spots short of stealing the million.
11. Rob Cesternino, Survivor Amazon/All-Stars -- This guy played everyone in Survivor Amazon. At one point, he was quadruple-crossing people and for some reason, everyone still generally liked him. He was one of the few boasters who actually knew what he was doing, but landed in 3rd place after blowing an endurance challenge. When he returned in All-Stars, he was almost instantly voted off by his tribe, who pegged him as a potential threat.
10. Jenna Lewis, Survivor Borneo/All-Stars -- About four Survivor chicks have gone on to appear nude. Three of them did it in the pages of Playboy. Jenna Lewis did it in a "leaked" graphic sex tape. I would like to continue seeing her gradual decline from youthful mom to public whore.
9. Robb Zbacnik, Survivor Thailand -- A very abrasive, hostile guy who picked lots of fights and ate more than his share of bananas. On his last night, he had some kind of spiritual awakening, and suddenly he loved everyone and wanted to mend his relationship with his father. He was voted off immediately. Also, his luxury item for the beaches of Thailand was a skateboard.
8. Shane Powers, Survivor Panama -- A two-pack-a-day smoker who quit cold turkey to be in the game, and became extremely irritable and moody from the withdrawal. He would get into lots of arguments and occasionally ask to be voted off. There was this oddball woman who seemed to have a crush on him, who he would casually treat like crap, which was amazing to watch (typical dialogue: "How did this happen! Courtney!" "Don't yell at me." "I'm not yelling at you. I'm yelling in general."). Aside from this, he was just a weird guy. He would talk into a piece of wood, pretending it was a BlackBerry (and not in a jokey way, like Greg from the first season). He also waved his testicles in front of a terrified female castaway's face because she was an OR nurse and he thought there was a potential problem with his balls. After the season was over, I recognized him as one of the guys who tries to molest the two main characters in a parking lot in the pilot episode of My So-Called Life.
7. Lex van den Berghe, Survivor Africa/All-Stars -- I remember after Lex's Africa stint, he had some kind of column where he would write editorials analyzing new episodes of Survivor. When All-Stars came around, he and a couple other guys had alliance deals with each other before shooting even commenced. During the show, he sacrificed his own numbers to protect Amber Brkich at the request of Rob Mariano. Rob went on to vote Lex off and Lex took it really personally, becoming enraged, even though he had betrayed his friend Ethan earlier in the same season (Ethan didn't seem to give a shit).
6. Parvati Shallow, Survivor Cook Islands -- Just a hot little number who got by mostly on shameless flirtation. I think if I was on the show, I would probably give her my immunity and thank her for the privilege.
5. Hunter Ellis, Survivor Marquesas -- The clear dominant male in the fourth installment of Survivor. He always had a great attitude, and I expected him to kick everyone's ass, but all the weak players got together and voted him off in the third episode. I remember this as the first time that shitty players figured out how to get rid of good players (resulting in generally unlikeable winners), a trend that continued for some time after that. A couple weeks ago, I saw Hunter Ellis as a fitness guru in a late night infomercial.
4. Richard Hatch, Survivor Borneo/All-Stars -- The first ever winner of Survivor. Primarily known for constantly being naked, he was also a very smart player, like Rob Cesternino, and was eliminated from All-Stars for the same reason. He is currently doing time in a federal prison for tax evasion, so I guess he would have to appear live via satellite in a little coconut TV that the castaways have to carry everywhere they go.
3. Judd Sergeant, Survivor Guatemala -- Judd was a doorman who was always excellent to watch because of how unbelievably stupid he acted. At one point during the season, he received a clue that the hidden immunity idol was hidden in a tree, so he told everyone that it was somewhere on the ground, to throw them off. Fellow contestant Gary Hogeboom later spotted him off by himself, squinting up at the trees. During tribal council, Judd claimed he never lied to anyone during the game. Gary called him out on the tree thing, to which Judd responded, "Okay, I lied about the damn idol." I guess there was no real graceful way to handle that. Gary ended up finding the idol and playing it when he was about to get voted off. There have been many knuckleheads on Survivor, but never one as big as Judd. One of my all-time favorite Survivor moments is when Jeff Probst was introducing a challenge by saying it would be a test of the castaways' mental skills, and seeing Judd immediately close his eyes in silent defeat.
2. Courtney Yates, Survivor China -- The waiflike pixie with an acid tongue and a heart as black as coal. She was just such an unapologetic shrew that I feel like I must have her approval at any cost.
1. Colleen Haskell, Survivor Borneo -- She was one of the few people to turn down All-Stars when they asked her back. But a fella can dream.

Also considered: Alicia Calaway (Survivor Australia/All-Stars), Jerri Manthey (Survivor Australia/All-Stars), Colby Donaldson (Survivor Australia/All-Stars), Tom Buchanan (Survivor Africa/All-Stars), Christy Smith (Survivor Amazon), Heidi Strobel (Survivor Amazon), Jessa Morasca (Survivor Amazon/All-Stars), Danni Boatwright (Survivor Guatemala), Aras Baskauskas (Survivor Panama), Sekou Bunch (Survivor Cook Islands), Yul Kwon (Survivor Cook Islands), and Amanda Kimmel (Survivor China).

Cheers,
Diego

A Recent Trend I Don't Like.

2007-12-14T02:59:00.001-08:00

So a few weeks back, Warner Bros. announced that they would be showing the beginning of The Dark Knight at IMAX screenings of I Am Legend. Like, the first six minutes of The Dark Knight. SEVEN MONTHS BEFORE IT COMES OUT.

After all these elaborate bullshit viral campaigns and picture leaks, what exactly are they trying to do? Make us sick of Batman before we even have a chance to buy our ticket? Let us live our lives. Let us enjoy the movies that are actually shot and edited. Let us ring in the new year. The Dark Knight is going to make delirious money. No one needs to be convinced to see it. Especially not over half a goddamned year in advance. So why are they burning all this advertising money? They want to start the buzz for this movie as soon as fucking possible, so they can use said buzz... TO SELL OTHER MOVIES!

I lose respect for movie studios when they try all these shameless tactics to artificially inflate their opening weekend numbers. I know they're more interested in money than they are my respect, but I think we can all agree that this is wrong on their part.

You know what though, it probably wouldn't even matter to me if The Dark Knight was coming out right now. The biggest problem I have with this, fundamentally, is that they think it's okay to show people the beginning of a movie, completely out of context. Like it's a fucking commercial (God knows eventually this movie is going to have a 3-minute trailer that contains more footage than the movie itself, but one catastrophe at a time). Seeing a movie is a magical experience. From the moment the movie starts to the last frame at the end of the credits, you are being taken through a world that was painstakingly and methodically put together for you in a very specific way, and it is conducting a unique symphony in your brain. To saw off the first six minutes and slap it in front of the big holiday tentpole, maybe with a nice little cocktease montage at the end, and a "seeya this July," is an insult and a desecration.

So it was with serious disappointment that I saw all the headlines this past week of movie studios sticking the severed beginnings of all their big upcoming movies online. See the first 10 minutes of Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story! See the first 5 minutes of Aliens vs. Predator - Requiem! See the opening credits of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street! See the first 3 minutes of I Am Legend! You can go on your home computer, watch the beginning of I Am Legend, then go to an IMAX theater and see the beginning of The Dark Knight before you re-watch the beginning of I Am Legend (followed by the rest of that movie).

I hope this trend dies with 2007. I hope nobody even notices this trend and writes about it as I have. I don't want this stupid idea to have the tangibility of being called a "trend." When I think about where it might lead, it frightens me. What if ten years from now, studios have screenings entirely composed of the opening credits of all their upcoming movies?

Well, let's be realistic.

What if next year, that happens?

Cheers,
Diego

Watchmen Set Photos.

2007-11-27T08:41:00.000-08:00

Today I saw that Zack Snyder uploaded some pictures from the New York backlot built for his Watchmen movie. Because the movie takes place in an alternate universe, this New York has to be realistic, but with little changes here and there. To someone who hasn't read Watchmen, these pictures are mundane and meaningless. But as a Watchmen lover, seeing some of these characters and locations brought to life, I got very excited. More excited than if Tiffani Thiessen and Elizabeth Berkley showed up at my house tomorrow and wanted to "become one with me" and like, live the rest of their lives with me and them "as one." I find these comic book movie backlot pictures more exciting than if that happened.

Well, maybe not more exciting. Let's say the same level of exciting.

Cheers,
Diego

The Biggest Loser.

2007-11-07T01:56:00.000-08:00

I like to watch The Biggest Loser every week. It's a competition show, but the participants live together, with the cameras constantly running, and one of my favorite things about the show is how real things get behind the scenes. Here's a transcript of an actual scene from an episode a couple weeks ago:

Five people are standing around a kitchen counter looking at a big spread of sandwich ingredients. Their trainer, Jillian Michaels, enters.

Jillian: "(laughs) Hi!"
Everyone: "Hey, hi, etc."
Jillian: "I see you're making, uh, some lunch!"
Everyone: "(unintelligible response)"
Jillian: "You wanna know a good trick?"
Someone: "Yes."
Jillian: "Okay. Whenever you're cooking stuff, notice how you kinda... nibble a little bit here, nibble a little bit there, test out the recipes..."
Everyone: "(interested nodding)"
Jillian: "One really good trick is to chew a piece of gum. My favorite is Wrigley's Extra Supermint gum. (holds up a pack of the gum)"
Everyone: "(interested reaction)"
Someone: "How many calories is in there?"
Jillian: "Five calories, it's nothing. (shot of girl nodding) It's just a way of modifying your behavior to protect yourself against temptation."
Some Guy: "(smiles really big and takes some)"
Jillian: "Try it."
Someone: "Would you like a piece? (someone else takes a piece)"

And that's what's cool about the show. That a private little moment of authentic dialogue between competitors could be captured for us like that. It just enhances the weight these people's words carry.

Cheers,
Diego

The My So-Called Life Box Set.

2007-10-31T00:09:00.000-07:00

Today was the release date for the new My So-Called Life DVD Box Set. As I mentioned yesterday, my plan was to go to Target and use a gift card to buy it. I figured I didn't have to call ahead this time, because it was only the first day of its release. So I drove to the Glendale Target and went directly to the TV DVDs. It wasn't there. There wasn't even any sign of it on the display showing upcoming TV DVD releases. But guess what they did have there? A pristine copy of the Saw Trilogy Box Set.

WHAT.

WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK!!!! JESUS!!!! FUCK!

If you recall my previous entry, when I called the Glendale Target during my search for the Saw Trilogy Box Set, they told me they were sold out, so I didn't even bother going. I could have cut my entire day in half! EVERY PIECE OF INFORMATION I GATHERED BY PHONE YESTERDAY WAS INCORRECT. WHY IS EVERYONE ON THIS PLANET A FUCKING IDIOT? I think I would have liked to be born during a time of adventurous space travel.

But then, maybe that's a bad idea too. I'd probably spend months traveling between galaxies only to arrive and find that they were sold out of all the space bullshit I was looking for in the first place.

While walking out of the mall, I called the Santa Monica Target, and the guy was acting like he'd never heard of the My So-Called Life box set. He said something about November. No, not November. Dickhead. Now. This thing is on sale all over the internet, INCLUDING THE TARGET WEBSITE. FUCK!

Cheers,
Diego

The Saw Trilogy Box Set.

2007-10-30T05:39:00.000-07:00

There is no such thing as the Saw Trilogy. Because there has been a Saw movie every Halloween since 2004, with the release of Saw IV this year, Lionsgate released the Saw Trilogy Box Set knowing full well that it would be obsolete in less than a year. So it was a very puzzling and intriguing product to put out. Like, are there gonna be cheap leftovers of it in stores next Halloween? Containing the 2-disc special editions of the first three Saws, the packaging consisted of six discs and a three-dimensional representation of the clown puppet face behind clear plastic. A useless but funny little thing to put out there, no?

Now, I have been holding off on buying any of the Saw movies. I like them, but I figured if I wanted to own them, I should wait till the series had run its course, at which time I could simply buy the complete box set. But with Saw IV in theaters, a Saw V on the way, and talk of an inevitable Saw VI on movie news sites, I decided to restrategize. Because really, it's a pain in the ass to have to scrounge around for these movies every year when I have to rewatch them in preparation for the new one. I should own them so I can watch the goddamn things. But what if I liked Saw IV? Would I then have to have a shelf with a Saw Trilogy Box Set and Saw IV next to it? I decided the absurdity of it would be hilarious enough to merit doing.

But this box set came out on Tuesday the 23rd, and with the end of the week fast approaching, I was gonna miss out on any potential first-week deals being offered with it. For example, in some places, it was slightly cheaper. And Best Buy was offering a ticket to Saw IV with the purchase of the box set. But all these deals would disappear come Sunday. However, I was busy working at Halloween Horror Nights the entire weekend, leaving me precious little time to go out and get this thing. At one point, I called a couple Blockbusters, which claimed to have it in stock. That night, I quickly popped into the Sunset Blockbuster and didn't see it, so I left, because I needed to get to Baja Fresh to get my dinner before they closed. I figured I could just get the box set later. I then created a small window on Saturday to go get it at the Los Feliz Best Buy. I drove there, losing a lot of time in traffic, and when I finally arrived, I couldn't find a single Saw Trilogy Box Set, nor a single available employee to help me, because it was so crowded. So I had to haul ass to work with no box set, and, as far as I knew, there went my opportunity for a deal.

Today, Monday the 29th, I decided I would just go and get it wherever I could. If I started watching the movies soon, I would be able to go see Saw IV by the end of the week, which sounded pretty good to me. So I called the Los Feliz Best Buy, and no one was answering, so I just said fuck it and drove there. I'd gotten a late start in the day after sleeping off a full weekend of terrorizing theme park guests by waving chainsaws at them, so hopefully this wasn't going to take... too long. When I arrived, the aisles were much more organized and free of stampeding customers than they had been on Saturday. I asked an employee about the Saw Trilogy Box Set, and he said they were sold out. Oh really? Completely sold out? I immediately realized that this was how Lionsgate was going to avoid having tons of leftover Saw Trilogy Box Sets next year. By creating enough for less than a week's worth of sales. Brilliant, guys. So I asked the employee to see which other Best Buys were not sold out yet. He shook his head and told me the closest one was in Burbank. I asked if it was near the Burbank Town Center and he said no, it was past that. He really made it seem like a far drive. I also noted over his shoulder that the monitor now listed the price as $39.99, as opposed to their original $34.99.

So I got into my car and called the Sunset Blockbuster. They told me they had it in stock for $34.98. Sounds like a fucking deal, I thought. So I drove to the Sunset Blockbuster and asked a girl stocking shelves about it. She said it wasn't in the glass case, so they were sold out. I told her I called before I drove over, and was told they had it. She told me to ask the guy behind the counter. The guy behind the counter looked in the computer, then walked over to the glass case and asked the shelf girl, who told him if it wasn't in the glass case, they were sold out. He then looked in the computer for the video game section and said, "Oh, what's today, the 23rd..." "The 29th," I corrected. He then informed me that the box set hadn't been released yet and apologized for my inconvenience. "So no other Blockbusters are carrying it?" "Yeah, not yet. Sorry."

Now, I don't know if this guy was a complete moron or if he was for some reason lying to me (indicated by his Freudian slip of the date), but I felt no desire to argue with him and have to correct him the way I had corrected the shelf girl. So I thanked him and left. I then got into my car, confirmed that I had originally dialed the correct number for the Sunset Blockbuster and that they were idiots, and then called the Hollywood Blockbuster. They told me they were sold out. So while I was in the neighborhood, I drove next door to the Circuit City and asked them if they had the Saw Trilogy Box Set. They told me they did not. So I got into my car and called the Glendale Target. They told me they were sold out. I then called the Santa Monica Target. The guy in electronics had a look around and told me they had one copy left. "Is there any way you could hold it for me?" "... for how long?" "I'm on my way to get it now." "Okay. What's your name?" "Diego." "Hello?" "I said my name is Diego." "Hello?" "Hello? Hello hello hello." "(dead silence)" And the call was cut off. At this point, I could have easily called back. But I got to thinking. The electronics guy at Target knew that there was someone on their way to pick up a Saw Trilogy Box Set. He just didn't know the person's name. So I decided to test the moral fortitude of this young man and see if he would hold it anyway.

I drove to the Santa Monica Target and walked over to the DVDs. There, sitting by itself on the shelf, was their last copy of the Saw Trilogy Box Set (priced at $37.99). So, if the guy answering the phone at electronics is any sort of litmus test, it is clearly a low caliber of men and women they seem to have working at the Target on Santa Monica. I grabbed it and examined it, walking around the store before making my purchase. While handling it, I noticed two creases on either side of the spine, like something had been crushing the box earlier. And I got annoyed, wishing I didn't have to settle and spend good money on a damaged box that I was planning to take good care of. So, just for shits, I called the Burbank Best Buy and asked them if they had any Saw Trilogy Box Sets left. A guy there said that yes, they had two left (for $39.99). I asked if it would be possible for them to hold a copy for me, and he said they weren't allowed to do that anymore, because they got in trouble. Uh, okay, whatever. I then asked if the boxes were in good condition and he said they were.

So now I was faced with a choice. Was a cosmetically damaged bird in my hand worth as much as those two potentially undamaged ones in that bush over in Burbank? It might take me a while to get there, seeing as how I had to stop for gas, drive all the way home, get directions, and then drive to Burbank. But I said fuck it-- if I was gonna pay 40 clams for three Saw movies, I was gonna do it right, god dammit. Before leaving Target, I actually took a few moments and considered hiding the slightly damaged box set behind something else. As sort of an insurance policy, in case the Burbank Best Buy fell through. But it eventually occurred to me that there might be another poor sap out there, possibly a young man like myself, wandering the streets looking for this box set. And maybe he didn't care if the box was damaged. I certainly wouldn't like it if someone came to a store before me and hid the last copy of the thing I wanted just to serve their own insurance purposes. So I put it right back where it belonged and left.

Pumped gas. Drove home. Got directions. Drove to Burbank.

The drive to this Burbank Best Buy was not very long at all. It was basically one exit past the exit I usually take for the Burbank Town Center. So the employee at the Los Feliz Best Buy was just a big drama queen. I gotta learn to expect that from most people.

At this point in my journey, I was pretty well irritated and pissed off from the constant runaround I was experiencing, but even then, I had to take pause and admire the location. It was a pretty nice Best Buy. I dashed all over the store and looked all over for the Saw Trilogy Box Set. A section in the front with lots of DVD titles. A section on the end of the DVDs with the week's new releases. And most of the DVD aisles themselves, including the horror section. In the horror section, I discovered that there was no box set. But they did have something I hadn't expected to see in any single location. All three individual Saw movie special editions. Earlier in the day, I'd been thinking about how there could no way exist a place that would so conveniently carry all three special editions, yet here they were (in abundant numbers too, I might add). And not only that-- Saw III came with the free ticket offer to see Saw IV. What luck! I grabbed these three and asked a guy if they had the box set. At this point I was just curious to compare the two things.

He looked around, all the places I had already looked, then checked the computer and said they had three left. Really? Where did the guy on the phone get two from? Between Blockbuster, Target, and Best Buy, I'm convinced that the people answering the phones for these stores are physically located on a different planet. Anyway, the guy says to me that he doesn't know where they are, but he could check the back. But he kinda phrased it like a question, as if he was asking me if I wanted him to look in the back. What is this, a potential inconvenience? Of course I want you look in the fucking back. Why is everyone on Earth a simpering kitten? Instead of asking me anything, he should have simply TOLD me he was going to look in the back, because he works there and he has eyes and legs.

Anyway, he came back emptyhanded, and I told him to just forget about it; I was going to buy them individually. But before I did, I asked him if he knew what theater chains would accept the free Saw IV ticket (kinda have my heart set on Grauman's). He didn't know, but decided to really hammer home the idea that most chains would not accept it. He said the nearby AMC wasn't taking it, and I would probably be hard-pressed to find a chain that did. Where is this guy's manager? Is there any training program at Best Buy or do you just show up on the first day and get a blue shirt, name tag, and a punch in the face?

As I walked to the register, I thought about the price labels on these discs. Saw was $9.99, Saw II was $14.99, and Saw III was $19.99, which meant that I would be paying about $45 instead of $40 for the box set. And I knew that Target did have a bunch of copies of Saw II for $9.99, which I could probably pick up the next day when I went back there to use a gift card for the new My So-Called Life box set, but I couldn't bring myself to put anything back on the shelf now. To paraphrase Dr. Jack Shephard, I needed it to be over. I needed it to be done. And to my great surprise, Saw II rang up as $9.99 after all. The future leader of tomorrow working the cash register also had no idea which theater chains would take the free ticket, by the way.

So today I inadvertently set off on a day-long quest to obtain the Saw Trilogy Box Set and I ended up getting all three movies individually for the same price, plus a free ticket to Saw IV. And next year, if I decide to buy Saw IV on DVD, the saga's not gonna look so absurd on my shelf.

Cheers,
Diego

Breast Cancer Survivor.

2007-10-10T19:24:00.000-07:00

Today I made a donation to fight breast cancer and they gave me a couple of those pink awareness bracelets. I would proudly wear this thing, but I noticed that it says "SURVIVOR" on it. And as far as I know, I have never been afflicted with breast cancer. So would it be wrong for me to wear a pink breast cancer awareness bracelet that says I'm a survivor? In a way, I may be considered a survivor, because I live in a world where breast cancer exists, and I have never succumbed to it. But that doesn't really work, because when I told my brother this, he then claimed to be a 9/11 survivor.

Further research indicates that the National Coalition for Cancer Survivorship has expanded the definition of survivor to include family, friends, and caregivers who are affected by the diagnosis in any way. The closest one of those I fit into is caregiver, because I donated money to the cause, so I am providing funds for said care. I know that's a stretch, but fuck, man! Cancer is bullshit! We all have to deal with it every day, because we live in a world with no cure. So we are all survivors. I hate cancer, and the mammary gland just happens to be one of my favorites. Plus, I'm basically just trying to do something nice. So if anyone has a problem with me wearing a pink breast cancer survivor awareness bracelet, they can go fuck themselves.

Cheers,
Diego

News Bits: Nickelodeon, Jessica Biel Wonder Woman.

2007-10-09T17:33:00.000-07:00

Got some little news bits here. I took note of them like a couple weeks ago, but I didn't get a chance to write about them, so they are now out of date. Just pretend it's a couple weeks ago.

From IMDb:

Nickelodeon to Go Dark Saturday

The kids' TV channel Nickelodeon is planning to intentionally go dark on Saturday at noon, with announcers telling their audience, "Go outside and play." The channel plans to remain dark for three hours, after which Nickelodeon says it will air Let's Play Go Healthy Challenge, produced in cooperation with the Alliance for a Healthier Generation.

This might have been a good idea in the 50's when there were three channels. Today, even the dumb kids know they can easily put on one of the other 900 channels on TV, or watch a DVD, or play video games. You think losing Nickelodeon for three hours one day is gonna do anything? When I was a kid, I used to not get Nickelodeon past 8pm every night, because that channel would turn into A&E. You know what I would do? Watch other shit. Their heart's in the right place, but it's just a stupid idea.

And then, from ComingSoon.net:

Jessica Biel Passes on Justice League
Source: Lobo September 28, 2007

Entertainment Weekly has learned that Jessica Biel has decided to pass on playing Wonder Woman in Warner Bros.' live-action Justice League. The former "7th Heaven" star had been in early talks to play the Amazonian princess.

George Miller (Happy Feet) will direct the big screen adaptation. Kieran and Michele Mulroney wrote the script.

Thank fuck. I've always wanted to get a really good proper Wonder Woman. Someone like Jennifer Connelly (really my top choice). In fact, Joss Whedon was working on a Wonder Woman movie recently, and I'm sure it would've been a great movie debut for the character, but Warners pulled the plug on it, so now this Justice League Wonder Woman has to be extra good to make up for it. And the possibility of Jessica Biel playing her really annoyed me, because I kinda hate Jessica Biel. I've touched upon that previously in this blog. I don't have a good reason; I just dislike her. Could be her association with 7th Heaven (I hated everyone on that show). Maybe it's just her face. But she would have been pretty fucking far from my ideal Wonder Woman.

At this point, it's not even clear if this new Justice League movie is even going to be live action. Either way, Jessica passing is good news. Like the time I read that Josh Hartnett passed on the role of Superman (in the Superman movie that ended up not getting made). What if there was a movie where every horrifying casting rumor came true? Like Josh Hartnett Superman would date Jessica Biel Wonder Woman, and there's a love triangle with Colin Farrell Batman and they are joined by Jack Black Green Lantern. Cameo by Halle Berry Catwoman.

Cheers,
Diego

Happy Columbus Day Observance/Thanksgiving Day (Canada).

2007-10-08T19:25:00.000-07:00

Today I really needed to go to the bank, but when I got there, it was closed. According to my calendar, today is Columbus Day Observance/Thanksgiving Day (Canada).

Now wait a minute. Let's start with the first thing.

Today isn't even really Columbus Day! Columbus landed on October 12, 1492, which was 515 years ago this coming Friday. Today is just the observance of it. Why do we do that, I wonder? Does it make it easier to always have it on the second Monday of October if the actual date changes every year? Maybe it's because we're grouping it together with the Canadian Thanksgiving Day. Which... I mean, talk about irrelevant.

The two things have nothing to do with each other. Meanwhile, I gotta sit on a worthless paycheck for another day while schoolchildren and Canadians celebrate their three-day weekend. You guys win... for now.

Cheers,
Diego

Cancer Scare.

2007-10-01T21:46:00.001-07:00

Last Sunday (9/23), I woke up early and watched Boiler Room. Really good movie, except I couldn't enjoy it, because halfway through this movie is when I noticed that the vision in my right eye was significantly blurrier than the vision in my left eye. I then did what I think most people would have done, which is go on the internet to confirm that I had brain cancer. Indeed, one of the symptoms of a brain tumor is blurry vision in one or both eyes. Another symptom is localized headaches. I've had localized headaches, and always in the same spot. Not recently, but still. I had my last eye exam in March and six months seems a little odd for the prescription in one eye to undergo such a drastic and sudden change.

At this point, I experienced the most intensely vivid panic I can ever remember feeling. The type of panic that can only be inspired by imminent death. It was like in "Hannah and Her Sisters," when Woody Allen is convinced he has a brain tumor the size of a basketball. I couldn't even think straight.

The next day, Monday (9/24), I saw the optometrist. At Lenscrafters. I was praying that he would tell me I had scratched my cornea or something, and that my vision would go back to normal in due time. I wasn't totally hopeful, because I knew I wasn't feeling the pain that would normally accompany a damaged cornea. He told me the eyes both looked fine, maybe a little dry, and that the vision in my right eye seemed to have improved. He told me to get eye drops (for the dryness) and to come back next week in order to confirm that the prescription change was permanent.

The rest of the week I felt a little discombobulated, because I was completely freaked out in the back of my mind-- somewhere near the occipital lobe, where I could almost feel a malignant tumor growing. A friend of mine told me about how people always assume the worst, and she told me a story about how she got spots all over her body and she went to the doctor and it turned out to be prometheus rosea, which is essentially nothing. I certainly appreciated this story, but it still didn't prove that I was not one of the people who get rare cancer and die while they're still young and gorgeous.

Also, I think she meant pityriasis rosea, because prometheus rosea is not an actual thing.

Today, I finally went back to the optometrist (at Lenscrafters) and he said my right eye had improved and stayed that way, so I would need new contacts and glasses. I asked if it's common for one eye to suddenly improve like this, and he said that yes, sometimes wearing contacts for a while can mess with the prescription because the eyes can become a little inflamed or something, but going without the contacts can allow the eyes to get better. Or something to that effect. So I said I probably shouldn't be worried about it being a brain tumor or something, and he dismissed that immediately, saying a tumor wouldn't do that.

What a relief! I suppose I don't necessarily need to go get an MRI now. I am hoping to just get the laser eye surgery later this year, because I've been wearing glasses and contacts since I was in like 4th grade, and they are a major pain in the ass. I can't wait till the day I can just open my eyes and see, like a normal Earth mammal. And if I end up dying of a brain tumor, someone tell this guy at Lenscrafters please.

Cheers,
Diego

My Last Day of 18-24.

2007-09-28T19:22:00.000-07:00

Every time I go to Baja Fresh, I take my receipt and fill out a feedback survey online. At the end, it gives me a code to put on the receipt that will give me $2 off my next meal at Baja Fresh. They put in the discount before calculating tax and all that, so I'm really saving slightly more than $2, and over time, it really adds up.

Anyway, at the end of the survey, they ask some classification questions such as gender, income, and age. Under age, they have a series of multiple choice options, and I always click on 18-24. But my birthday is tonight at midnight, so from now on, I will have to check off the next option, 25-34. This is the only place where I've seen this age so categorically defined as the milestone that marks the entrance to a new decade. Like, when you become 30, that is the beginning of your thirties (or the end of your twenties). But Baja Fresh has redefined the very stages of my life. Am I in my thirties now? Or am I just starting my twenties, and I won't hit my thirties till I'm 35? Baja Fresh has seen our reality, and they want no part of it.

I think in the end, what they have achieved is something that will make people in their late twenties feel old, and people in their early thirties feel young. Do we need this?

Cheers,
Diego

From My Inbox.

2007-09-25T00:27:00.000-07:00

I got this in my Hotmail today:

Subject: (no subject)
From: aceofqueenfunn@aol.com

my windowslivemessenger emily22purple@hotmail.com addme please handsome fella

One of the nicest emails I've received in a long time!

Cheers,
Diego

October is Smallville Hotties Month.

2007-09-20T17:16:00.000-07:00

Today I saw that the new issue of Stuff has Laura Vandervoort on the cover. She plays Supergirl in the upcoming season of Smallville. I thought this was pretty cool, since I love Smallville. Then, I looked right next to it on the magazine rack and saw that Erica Durance was on the cover of Maxim. She plays Lois Lane on Smallville.

All my favorite things are coming together. I will plan a special trip to Borders in the coming days in the hopes that I can purchase this magical pair that I can then slap the shit out of my nuts to.

Cheers,
Diego

2006 vs. 2007, Part 4: August

2007-09-16T03:45:00.001-07:00

So earlier this year, I got the idea to compare the 2006 summer blockbuster season with the 2007 summer blockbuster season to see which year was better. I did this by doing month-specific rounds where each weekend was represented by a single movie. Here are links to the first three parts:

2006 vs. 2007, Part 1: May
2006 vs. 2007, Parts 2 and 3: June and July

I should make it clear that I am determining each weekend's representative based on my own personal opinion of which of that weekend's releases was the best, and that I am indeed excluding any movies I didn't see. But I do not think this will make too much difference in this already-majorly-flawed process. And now, with 2006 in the lead, here we go into the final round.

TALLADEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY (2006) vs. THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM (2007)
Talladega Nights was a moderate success, marred mainly by a trailer that undercut every joke in the movie. But The Bourne Ultimatum was fresh to death; a classy, stylish, smart action movie that beautifully wrapped up one hell of a trilogy. The Bourne Ultimatum wins this one by a landslide.
1st Weekend Score: 2006 (0) vs. 2007 (1)

WORLD TRADE CENTER (2006) vs. STARDUST (2007)
Stardust was one of the best movies I saw this year. Original to the extreme, with lots of funny characters and moments. I'm going to reluctantly give this one to the great World Trade Center, but I only do so while giving Stardust my highest praises.
2nd Weekend Score: 2006 (1) vs. 2007 (1)

SNAKES ON A PLANE (2006) vs. SUPERBAD (2007)
Snakes on a Plane was basically just a lot of hype that all started because of its sweet title. Superbad was extremely overhyped as well, but I was fortunate enough to see it at an advance screening about five months prior to its release. And I guess I can say it was funny and wonderful enough to deserve an onslaught of trailers that ruined it for everyone in the world.
3rd Weekend Score: 2006 (1) vs. 2007 (2)

INVINCIBLE (2006) vs. MR. BEAN'S HOLIDAY (2007)
You'll notice I'm using Invincible to represent 2006 (this was the movie where Mark Wahlberg plays an ordinary guy who loves the Philadelphia Eagles, tries out, and then becomes one of them, kinda like in Rock Star, where he did the same thing, but with a metal band), and not Beerfest. I didn't see Beerfest until a few weeks ago, and it was pretty good. I don't know if Invincible was better, but to me, Invincible better represents 2006, because that is when I saw it. Doesn't really matter, because I liked Mr. Bean's Holiday better than both.
4th Weekend Score: 2006 (1) vs. 2007 (3)

THE WINNER OF AUGUST: 2007. And with that, we have a flawless streak of every winning month being one point short of a flawless victory.

THE WINNER OF THE SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SEASON: It's a tie. The winning months were May 2006, June 2007, July 2006, and now August 2007. So I guess maybe I can do like a September tie-breaker next month, even though that last bit of September is technically autumn.

Cheers,
Diego

Jodie Sweetin.

2007-09-14T23:19:00.000-07:00

I was looking through the news items on IMDb the other day, and this was the last entry on the page. I really enjoyed how it was worded:

Newlywed Sweetin To Be a Mom
Former child star Jodie Sweetin is expecting her first child just weeks after marrying new husband Cody Herpin in Las Vegas. The wild former Full House star wed movie set designer Herpin on July 14 weeks after meeting him for the first time. And now the 25-year-old former crystal methamphetamine addict is getting ready to be a mom.

Cheers,
Diego

It's Britney, Bitch.

2007-09-12T00:49:00.000-07:00

This Sunday, MTV aired its 24th annual Video Music Awards. The show itself was heavily revamped, dropping a ton of its usual categories and focusing more on live musical performances and general drunken debauchery. For me, it was noteworthy above all because it opened with something of a comeback performance from Britney Spears, who has been missing from the music scene for the past few years, so she could marry some deadbeat, have two kids, and embarrass herself daily on the tabloids. So I was very excited to see this performance. I was always a big fan of Britney back in the day. Not because I felt she had any kind of noteworthy vocal talent, but because her songs were always very poppy and catchy, and she always looked phenomenal performing them.

So I watched the show and I really enjoyed it. But it seems that everyone else on the planet disagrees with me, and in fact considers the performance an unmitigated catastrophe. I was appalled as I sifted through countless news articles, all of them reporting on what a complete failure it was, as if it weren't even a matter of opinion. Sheila Marikar of ABC News painted the performance as a hapless sleepwalk, citing such accredited sources as gossip blogger Perez Hilton. Even the late night hosts all made sure to get in their licks. I only watched Conan and Letterman (whose Top Ten List for the night simply consisted of Britney Spears Excuses). AP Entertainment Writer Jake Coyle wrote an article about how both her performance and the VMAs overall were sub-par, but at least his choice of words remained for the most part concrete and unbiased. Which is more than I can say for AP Music Writer Nekesa Mumbi Moody. She heaped praise on the show itself while shitting all over Britney. Hers is the article I'll be focusing on in this entry, because it best embodies the type of virulent prattle I'm talking about.

She says:

As in most train wrecks, it was hard to focus on just one thing as the Britney Spears disaster unfolded on MTV's Video Music Awards. There was just so much that went wrong. Out-of-synch lip-synching. Lethargic movements that seemed choreographed by a dance instructor for a nursing home. The paunch in place of Spears' once-taut belly. At times she just stopped singing, as if even she knew nothing could save her performance.

Let me go through this point-by-point.

The lip-synching. Britney Spears always lip-synchs. And it's not always perfect-- she just always moved too fast for us to notice. But just because she's not breaking her back with the kind of choreography she usually prepares doesn't mean she can't choose to pre-record her vocals. People are always so disgusted by this, like it's not her voice we hear playing back. Go back and watch her old performances. The only times Britney doesn't lip-synch are when she's sitting on a stool next to a piano. Was anyone expecting an out-of-practice mother of two to just open the VMAs by busting out with a fucking aria?

The "lethargic movements." It seemed to me that she was quite deliberately strutting around in a very bold and governing swagger. That kind of loose yet controlled movement can be a million times sexier than some over-the-top showy carnival of spastic dance moves. And the way she played back and forth between her unpredictable sashaying and the minimalist choreography with her dancers went a long way in holding at least my attention.

The "paunch." I am physically repulsed that someone would actually say this in a criticism of Britney's performance. Her PAUNCH? Hey, Nekesa Mumbi Moody. Go fuck yourself, and your name. I applaud every inch of Britney's body. As admittedly more full-figured than usual as it was, she was still one of the most magnificent displays the world saw that night. God forbid the nation should be forced to look at a female body that's not the picture of anorexia. How terrible to have to see a gyrating set of beautiful tan curves. And the way she so openly bared her flesh most definitely served to the advantage of the authoritative attitude in her aforementioned swagger. The outfit itself was almost certainly a tribute to Britney's hero, Madonna.

I'm just so sick of seeing all these malignant articles with nothing but venom for Britney. I've never felt that my own thoughts on something so subjective could be so categorically contradicted by mere word of mouth. I say let's worry less about Britney's flaws and maybe worry more about printing Nekesa Mumbi Moody's bitter insecurities under the banner of news.

The only part of the performance I wasn't totally crazy about was the song itself, which was Britney's new single, "Gimme More." But then, her songs usually tend to grow on me.

Cheers,
Diego

The Week of Three Big Shitty Things.

2007-09-09T19:44:00.000-07:00

SHITTY THING #1: BLACKOUTS

Last week, on Thursday (8/30), we lost power in the apartment. I ended up going to Ikea and Barnes and Noble with Justin. While reading magazines at B&N, my brother called and told me the power was back on. So it had been a few hours. The next day, Friday (8/31), the power went out again and we took in a showing of Death Sentence. When we got back, the power was back on, so it had been a few hours again. The next day, Saturday (9/1), we spent the whole day driving around doing fun things and running some errands. After we got back and got settled in, the power went out at 6:15pm. It stayed off for hours. Eventually, we went to get dinner and when we came back, the power was back on. It had come on at 10:30pm, so that was a 4-hour-15-minute blackout. The next day, Sunday (9/2), I was mentally prepared for a fourth blackout, but it didn't come. That is, until 8:45pm. We were so pissed, we just wanted to get out of the house, but unlike all the other blackouts, our garage door was frozen shut. So we were prisoners in our own home. Not that there would have been anywhere to go on a Sunday night. The power didn't come back on until 7:15am the next morning. So that would be a 10-hour-30-minute blackout.

It seems that these started out as power-company-triggered rolling blackouts that evolved into uncontrolled outages caused by blown transformers and shit, because of the heat wave that settled over the city last weekend. The power company was good enough to leave constantly-updating voice messages on their customer service line, informing us that they had no estimate for when the power would come back on (even during the blackouts they themselves engineered). If you have four straight days of blackouts and at no point do you ever have an estimate to give people, what's the point of even acknowledging the idea of an estimate? Okay, you can't make any realistically educated estimates. MAKE SOME UNEDUCATED ONES. WE'RE NOT CALLING YOUR VOICE MAIL EVERY FIVE MINUTES BECAUSE WE LIKE THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE.

The next day, Monday (9/3), we lost power for about a half an hour during the late afternoon. Whatever. My biggest problem with this whole thing is the idea that rolling blackouts and blown transformers are a common thing during big city heat waves, but the power company doesn't feel the need to establish a scheduled protocol so that people's lives are not thrown into turmoil. Imagine if every year in Florida, when the hurricanes started coming, everyone just sat around saying, "Oh, shit!"

SHITTY THING #2: UNIVERSAL

When it comes to Halloween Horror Nights, the people at Universal Studios Orlando know what they're doing. They've been at it since 1991. But Universal Studios Hollywood is still working out the kinks. They started doing HHN in 1997, then stopped after 2000. Because of money reasons, or 9/11, or something, I'm sure. But then in 2006 they started up again. I didn't think to audition at that time because I'm an idiot, but I remembered to do so this year, which, on paper, is their 6th year, but really, is more like their 2nd year. Mentally, I was very prepared for this audition, thanks to the audition I bombed back in March for their year-long House of Horrors. I even made a resume with a headshot and everything.

I love working HHN. As an incentive, they make you an employee for the entire year, so you can enter the park for free and get employee discounts until the next HHN rolls around. And above all, it's just a fun job. Instead of waking up in the morning and sitting at a desk, you go at night and put on a costume and scare people. I was a little disappointed at the audition when they said HHN was 10 nights. I was expecting more, because I was used to Orlando. I later found out they had made me a part of the elite Chainsaw Brigade. This part is a little more demanding than all the other scareactors, because it is more interactive with the guests. And you're operating a live chainsaw.

At my orientation, I found out that my employee status would not be year-round, but rather, I would only be an employee until the last day of HHN; October 31st. This just sounds like a lot of bullshit. What are they gaining by not offering me year-round employee status? On top of that, I won't be able to get free passes throughout the year to give my friends like I did in Orlando. Maybe Hollywood doesn't need the caliber of incentives that Orlando does because it's so overflowing with actors and variety performers who are dying for a job. But if that's the case, why is the Hollywood HHN still short of several tall males to fill all their scareactor positions? Maybe next year they will rethink their list of incentives. So that was kind of a shitty thing. But the main shitty thing here is that I was really hoping to ride Back to the Future: The Ride before they closed the Universal Studios Hollywood version forever (the Orlando one has been closed for some time). BTTF: The Ride closed its doors forever here in Hollywood on Labor Day, September 3rd. My orientation, where I officially received my employee status, was September 4th. It's like they couldn't have picked a worse date.

SHITTY THING #3: DMV.

I passed my California driver's license test in August of 2006. I didn't have a passport to show them at the time, so I showed them my citizenship certificate. Because of this, they said it might take a little longer for me to receive my driver's license. Like, 8 months. I said that was fine. It has now been over a year, and I still don't have my driver's license. What they have been doing is periodically issuing me temporary paper licenses that expire within months. They usually send them to me in the mail, but sometimes they will just forget and I have to go down there and get one. Earlier this week, I noticed that my temp license was expired, so on Friday, I decided to go to the DMV and get a new one.

According to Google Earth, in order to get to the DMV, I had to take the 110-S and take the exit to Flower Street. So I was driving down the 110-S. At one point, I passed an exit called Exposition. I thought, "Hmm, that sounds familiar." But I kept driving. By the time I hit LAX, I realized I had gone too far. So I called my brother and asked him to confirm the directions that Google Earth had given me. He checked, and indeed, Google Earth's directions were to take the exit to Flower Street. But then he checked on MapQuest, and MapQuest said to take Exposition. Apparently, Google Earth knew I needed to take Exposition, but instead of calling it Exposition, it decided to call it "the exit to Flower Street." How the fuck am I supposed to know that Exposition is "the exit to Flower Street?" Typically the name of the exit is the street it leads to. This was all the more infuriating because I know in the past, Google Earth has told me to get off at Exposition. Because that's how I knew that exit in the first place.

So I got off somewhere, turned around, and got on the 110-N. As I was approaching Exposition, I realized that I only knew how to get to the DMV when coming from the other direction, so I consciously decided to pass Exposition, so I could come around from the other way and take the exit I was supposed to take in the first place. This meant I got off on Adams. I turned around and got back on 110-S. But as I was getting on, I realized that I had entered a special lane that was 110-S for CAR POOL ONLY. Total horseshit, because I hadn't seen any "car pool only" signs before getting on. Then I started freaking out for two reasons. One is that if a cop saw me, I would not only be driving in a car pool lane by myself, I would be doing so with an expired license. Two, since this lane was separate from the regular 110-S, it took me waaayyyyyy past Exposition before it gave me a chance to merge out of it. Almost all the way back to LAX. So I exited again, turned around again, and got back on the 110-N. Again.

As I was passing Exposition on the 110-N for the second time, I momentarily reconsidered my decision to pass it so that I could take the exit coming from the other direction. But I decided I should take the time and do it right, because I couldn't afford to get lost. Then, as I was passing the actual exit, I saw the DMV right in front of me. This served to let me know that I could have easily taken the 110-N Exposition exit at any time and arrived at the DMV with no chance of getting lost. But of course, I only saw it as I was passing the exit.

So I got off at Adams again, turned around again, and this time, I did not get on the car pool only 110-S. As I drove past, I tried to see if there really was a sign indicating that it was car pool only. All I saw was an arrow pointing to the lane with the word ONLY. Next to that was a SEPARATE SIGN with a diamond on it. Yeah, that's very clear. I don't know what I was thinking. I then realized there was no entrance for non-car pool vehicles to get on the 110-S. I was going insane. You have to imagine, dear reader, that this entire time, I was dealing with unbelievable traffic, and the knowledge that I had wasted nearly an hour going in circles while people were getting off work and creating a mad rush for the DMV before it closed. So I was screaming and cursing and having a mental breakdown.

Finally, I recognized where I was and just drove to the DMV without getting back on the 110-S. And the stupid thing about this DMV is that there's about 1000 people who need to be in there at any given time, but they only have about 30 parking spaces. So their teeny parking lot is just an ongoing carousel of cars, and getting a spot is just the luck of the draw, depending on where you happen to be when someone comes out and vacates their spot. You could be circling for an hour, or you could pull in and immediately find yourself in front of a vehicle that's pulling out. In addition to this, there's always some genius who gets a feeling about a spot and stops the carousel with no room for anyone to get around him. Eventually, I somehow got a spot and went inside.

I explained to the guy that I needed a new temp license and he said I needed to have my legal presence with me. Meaning my citizenship certificate. I told him I'd gotten the thing renewed before without having to show them anything, and he responded by underlining the text on my temp license with red marker. Oh, okay! Then he asked the lady manager, but he presented the case to her before I had a chance to, and she immediately took his side. I asked her why I didn't have my real license yet, since they had promised I would get it like 5 months ago, and she said it can take anywhere from 1 to 2 years for my identity to be confirmed. What do they need to confirm? I'm obviously me. So after accepting the fact that I would have to come back with my goddamn legal presence, I asked when they were closing, and she said 5pm. It was 4:30. Great. So, I'll see you guys, what, Monday? I'll be sure not to drive my car until then. I will flap my arms and fly home. Then I will fly back on Monday, of course. Why would they put me through this hassle when they usually send me my temp license in the mail? They don't send me a bitchy asshole who comes to my house and asks to see my legal presence. They send me a fucking temp license, because I passed my fucking license test and I should have a fucking license.

Anyway. What a shitty week.

Cheers,
Diego

Disney Adventures to Quit Publishing.

2007-09-07T01:32:00.001-07:00

From IMDb (like 2 weeks ago):

Despite a 17-year track record, circulation over 1 million, and a 4.6 percent rise in ad sales over last year, Disney announced Wednesday that it will halt publishing Disney Adventures magazine following the November issue. (The current issue has -- what else? -- the cast of High School Musical 2 on the cover.) Advertising Age said that the company wanted "to better focus resources and maximize long-term growth potential through new magazine and book initiatives."

This is really depressing. 17-year track record indeed. I was there since day one. I didn't have that first issue with Rick Moranis on the cover (November 1990), but I believe I had the second issue with Candace Cameron on the cover (December 1990). It had everything a boy could want; comics, cool articles, interviews, movie news, engaging stories, and just a lot of fun Disney shit. This magazine was a major part of my childhood. What's weird is I have no idea when I stopped reading it. I tried to find a cover gallery online to refresh my memory, but no one seems to have taken the initiative to build one. I did come across a shot of a cover from 1997 with Batman & Robin on it. That looks vaguely familiar. Is it possible I was still reading it in 1997? If so, that must have been when I stopped, cuz that was the year I entered high school, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't reading no Disney Adventures in high school.

After I found out that it was going to stop being published, I picked one up at the supermarket checkout and leafed through it for like ten seconds. What I saw was heartbreaking. The magazine was not even a shadow of its former self. It was thin and printed on cheap newsprint and filled with inane bullshit. What happened to the fucking awesome children's literature from my youth? I guess it doesn't matter that they're taking it off the shelves if it's already dead anyway. This turned out to be depressing on multiple levels.

Another magazine I used to read was Nickelodeon magazine. That was a genuinely brilliant magazine when it first started being published in 1993. I challenge anyone who doesn't believe me to check out some of its first issues and tell me you wouldn't orgasm over that shit as a kid. It was really quirky and filled with lots of irreverent humor. But I remember consciously deciding to stop buying it after it became a commercial piece of shit clone of every other stupid magazine in the world. Kinda like Nickelodeon itself. To quote that douchebag maître d' from Ferris Bueller's Day Off... I weep for the future.

Cheers,
Diego

Monopoly: The Motion Picture.

2007-08-06T17:57:00.001-07:00

According to the LA Times, Ridley Scott has confirmed his involvement with the upcoming movie adaptation of Monopoly, the classic family board game. That's amazing. We've had movies based on video games, toy lines, even theme park rides. But board games? How many movies based on board games have we ever had?

Two, to be exact.

The first was 1985's Clue, a hilarious ensemble satire. This was both the birth and pinnacle of the limited genre of board game movies. The second was 2000's Dungeons & Dragons. I didn't see it, but I'm pretty sure it was a piece of shit.

Cheers,
Diego

Librarians Resent Casual Readers.

2007-08-02T04:51:00.000-07:00

So recently the last Harry Potter book came out and everyone immediately bought it and read it, and I really wanted to join in the discussion (plus I wanted to have read it before I came across any spoilers), but I didn't necessarily have it in my budget to go buy it myself, so last week I got a library card and checked out one of their brand new copies. Typically, you get to keep books for like three weeks, at which time you can re-check them out if necessary (which is something you can even do online without coming in), but since this was a highly demanded new book, I was only allowed to keep it for one week and then return it, and I wasn't allowed to re-check it out. So I read it within the week and took it back today. When I got to the library, I saw that there was a big book drop bin outside, but I felt kinda bad about tossing this nice new book into a giant metal bin, so I took it inside. When I walked in, the little alarm thingie went off, and the librarian at the front desk turned around and brusquely said, "Bring it up here, please." As she was scanning it back in, she looked up at me and said, "Finished?" Kind of a weird thing to ask me. Like, what if I hadn't? You gonna help me get this book again, lady? But I told her, "Yah." She then asked me to put it back. I wasn't sure what the hell was happening. Do I work here now? She pointed to the shelves in the front that featured new books and indicated that I could just stick it anywhere on any of the shelves. How disorganized is that? I just put it on a random shelf and she exclaimed that it was perfect. So I started to leave and she calls out to me, "Don't you want to get anything else?"

This bitch decided she was gonna look me over and pin her little label on me. She figures I'm like every mindless stooge out there who lives and dies by their TV set, and the only reason I would ever come to the library is because I wanted to read this big new trendy book for free and then never return again, because I'm too busy with my iPhones and my DVDs and my Internet. So she wanted to make me feel like an ass by pretending to be surprised that I was leaving so quickly, without getting a new book to read. She thinks everyone in the world should get their library card and check out lots of books, and get even more books when they're done with those, all for the love of reading and the thirst for knowledge that only books can quench.

So anyway, I responded with, "No, not right now. I'll be back." But I won't be back. At least not to that particular branch. It was quite a bit out of my way, and I only went there because they had the most available copies of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on the day that I wanted to go check it out. I plan on returning to the library, but it will be to my local branch, to check out some books I want to read, and it's going to be when I fucking feel like it. And you know what, most of them will be graphic novels. I hope that's okay with whatever librarian is manning the desk on whichever blue moon I decide to go.

Cheers,
Diego

2006 vs. 2007, Parts 2 and 3: June and July

2007-07-31T19:04:00.000-07:00

In an effort to determine whether this year is better than last year, going solely by the movies that came out, I decided to compare the two years, weekend by weekend, in monthly installments that cover the traditional summer blockbuster season. In case you missed it, here is a link to part 1:

2006 vs. 2007, Part 1: May

It took me a while to get to parts 2 and 3 because I didn't initially see all the movies on their opening weekend. But now I'm caught up enough to adequately judge the months of June and July.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Many of these weekends saw the release of more than one movie at a time. I probably should have chosen each weekend's representative by the most widely distributed release, but I decided to go with my opinion of what the best movie of the weekend was, so that each side would always be judged on its best representative. So, for example, disasters like EVAN ALMIGHTY will not bring down a weekend that happened to also see the release of 1408. And that kinda thing makes all the difference when stacked up against the likes of CLICK. So, anyway. Here you go.

Part 2: JUNE

THE BREAK-UP (2006) vs. KNOCKED UP (2007)
What we have here is a decent movie about the end of a relationship and a much better movie about the beginning of one. So we don't have to waste too much of the court's time on this one.
1st Weekend Score: 2006 (0) vs. 2007 (1)

CARS (2006) vs. OCEAN'S THIRTEEN (2007)
While Cars was probably one of the worst Pixar movies, it was still really good. Saying "the worst Pixar movie" is like saying "the least beautiful diamond." But Ocean's Thirteen really delivered. So, based on how well each movie achieved its own goals, I'm gonna have to give the slight edge to Thirteen.
2nd Weekend Score: 2006 (0) vs. 2007 (2)

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT (2006) vs. FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER (2007)
Tokyo Drift was a threquel nobody asked for with no returning characters and everything stacked against it, but it turned out to be a pleasant little surprise. Rise of the Silver Surfer was a galactic improvement on the original Fantastic Four. But that doesn't change the fact that it was still kinda dumb.
3rd Weekend Score: 2006 (1) vs. 2007 (2)

CLICK (2006) vs. 1408 (2007)
The trailer for Click seemed to give away everything about it, which soured me on ever wanting to see it, but when I finally did, I was relieved to find that there was slightly more to it. Too bad it was only slightly.
4th Weekend Score: 2006 (1) vs. 2007 (3)

SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006) vs. RATATOUILLE (2007)
This is a really tough choice. Superman Returns is one of my favorite movies from the past few years, because of the love for Superman that Bryan Singer clearly put into it. And Ratatouille was an unmitigated success unto itself. What makes it a difficult decision is that the two movies are good in such different ways. But because the overall winner has already pretty much been determined and this weekend's point is essentially irrelevant, I feel comfortable just picking one.
5th Weekend Score: 2006 (1) vs. 2007 (4)

THE WINNER OF JUNE: 2007. A serious hot streak of kickass movies, marred by an embarrassing loss to a no-name threquel.

Part 3: JULY

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST (2006) vs. TRANSFORMERS (2007)
Dead Man's Chest was seriously excellent, and Transformers was just kinda silly and weird. I mean, it didn't suck, but talk about somewhat disappointing.
1st Weekend Score: 2006 (1) vs. 2007 (0)

YOU, ME AND DUPREE (2006) vs. HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX (2007)
You, Me and Dupree looked like ass. Then I saw it and it was kinda sweet, but still ass, but it was okay because it wasn't aspiring to be much more than that. But it also kinda ripped off way better movies like What About Bob. Doesn't matter anyway because Harry Potter was a gabillion times better.
2nd Weekend Score: 2006 (1) vs. 2007 (1)

LADY IN THE WATER (2006) vs. HAIRSPRAY (2007)
I really liked Lady in the Water. I know that everyone hates everything M. Night Shyamalan does or says or thinks, but I guess I'm just different then, huh. And I know that Hairspray celebrates people who are different-- aha, nice try! Point 2006.
3rd Weekend Score: 2006 (2) vs. 2007 (1)

SCOOP (2006) vs. THE SIMPSONS MOVIE (2007)
Maybe not everyone would have picked Scoop here. But let me just put it this way. I could have represented the 4th weekend of July with Little Miss Sunshine, Miami Vice, The Ant Bully, or even John Tucker Must Die. But none of these shits were ever in any danger of losing to The Simpsons Movie.
4th Weekend Score: 2006 (3) vs. 2007 (1)

THE WINNER OF JULY: 2006. I've noticed that every month so far has been one point short of a flawless victory. This time it's Dupree who ruins everything. Dupree!

The tally so far has 2006 leading with May and July against 2007's June. August will either seal 2006's victory or tie everything up, forcing an unprecedented September tie-breaker. Stay tuned!

Cheers,
Diego

Corrections & Updates.

2007-07-13T06:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the narrative threads of my life appear to remain unresolved because I will blog about them and then never follow up. So here is a series of corrections and updates on some of the entries in this blog.

In Ripped off (3.28.07), I blogged about how a Supercuts overcharged my debit card and I didn't notice till I got home, and then I did nothing about it.
UPDATE: If I'm reading my online banking history correctly, the charge never went through. So what I took as a ripoff actually turned out to be a free haircut. I hope this will be the last update on that.

In Entourage (4.23.07), I blogged about how Entourage is a good show, but that a lot of the storylines were stupid and/or frustratingly paced.
UPDATE: No change. The best part of every episode is Ari.

In New Shoes (5.3.07), I blogged about how my new shoes were going to facilitate my hiking at Runyon Canyon.
UPDATE: They do indeed grasp those slippery crags way better than my old shoes. So there's some bad news for all my potential mortal enemies.

In Robots in Disguise (5.13.07), I blogged about how my brother and I attended a promotional Transformers event and were promised free passes to an advance screening of the film, but how I probably wouldn't go because I wanted to enjoy the movie at a good theater on Independence Day.
UPDATE: After a lengthy silence, we finally received our invitation to a 7:30pm screening on Thursday, June 28th, at the Pacific Culver City theater. We did not attend for three reasons:

1. We were getting over a cold.
2. We had already long since purchased our tickets for Transformers at the Arclight Cinerama Dome -- about a month in advance, to be exact, to guarantee excellent seats.
3. That whole Independence Day thing.

So on July 4th, we went and saw the movie at the Dome, where they had four cars from the movie on display. I think we made the right call.

In The Upfronts: ABC (5.15.07), I blogged about all the shows ABC was cancelling this season.
CORRECTION: Apparently, According to Jim has not been cancelled, even though I said it was. I guess next time I will have to use a source that isn't completely retarded.

In The Upfronts: Fox & The CW (5.18.07), I blogged about all the shows FOX was cancelling and cited the fact that the last two episodes of Drive would be airing on Independence Day.
UPDATE: FOX pushed the two episodes back to July 13th, and then pulled them from the schedule altogether, thereby proving that it is always possible to lose respect for a company that you already have no respect for.

In The Rialto (5.20.07), I blogged about going to the theater where they shot the exteriors and lobby for the opening of Scream 2 (The Rialto) and how I had already been to the one where they shot the auditorium (The Vista), and how I was going to determine if the men's room scene had also been shot at the Vista.
UPDATE: I went to the Vista and scoped out the men's room. The layout was all wrong, but the green floor tiles and black stalls were identical to the ones used in the film. So my determination is that the men's room scene was shot at the Vista along with the auditorium scene, and that it had to be in a restroom that is either private or has since been renovated in some way.

In Big D Hot 10 (5.28.07), I blogged about the top ten celebrity women I would like to have sex with.
CORRECTION: My list remains essentially the same. I'm not crazy about Claire Danes with her constant anorexic look, but she stays on the list for now. However, there was news that Milena Govich (the girl detective from Law & Order) is going to be replaced on the show's next season, so I guess it's probably time I get her off the list. It just wouldn't feel right to keep her on as my #9 if she's gonna be off the radar like this. It's bad enough Colleen Haskell's on there. Since the writing of the list, I have also become keenly aware that I neglected the inclusion of Jeri Ryan. So Jeri gets the plum #6 spot, everyone slides down one, and Shannen Doherty maintains her disgraceful #10 spot, where she will precariously remain until I become swayed by a sexually charged photograph of Tiffani Thiessen or something. Here's the new iteration:

10. Shannen Doherty
9. Colleen Haskell
8. Neve Campbell
7. Claire Danes
6. Jeri Ryan
5. Angelina Jolie
4. Gina Gershon
3. Naomi Watts
2. Hilary Swank
1. Linda Cardellini

You see any of them on the street, you tell them you have a weird friend who put them on a perverted list. If this turns them on, give them my info and I'll handle it from there.

Cheers,
Diego

Aniston Brushes Teeth in Shower.

2007-07-09T15:05:00.000-07:00

From IMDb:

The Break-Up star Jennifer Aniston has a novel way to save the environment - she brushes her teeth in the shower. The actress revealed her eco-friendly tip on the eve of Al Gore's Live Earth concerts on Saturday. She says, "I take a three-minute shower. I even brush-wash - brush my teeth while I shower. Every two minutes in the shower uses as much water as a person in Africa uses for everything in their life for a whole day." The 24-hour Live Earth concert launched this past weekend in Sydney, Australia and continued across the world with events in Japan, China, South Africa, Germany, London and Brazil, before concluding in New York.

Now wait a second. You take a three-minute shower? How the hell do you manage that? AND you brush your teeth? Jennifer, let's get real here. In order to properly brush your teeth, you're supposed to do the outer and inner surfaces of both your upper and lower teeth, as well as chewing surfaces, at least ten times each, not to mention your tongue. The whole thing is supposed to take, at the very least, two minutes. And we've always been told that you shouldn't leave the water running in the sink while you brush. But what you're doing is letting water run all over your body while you brush. This sounds more wasteful (and inefficient) than smart. But perhaps you've figured out a way to masterfully brush your teeth with one hand while scrubbing your entire body with the other, all in the span of three easy minutes.

I think a full frontal demonstration is in order. Someone send this blog to Jen.

Cheers,
Diego

Dane Cook.

2007-06-21T05:05:00.001-07:00

Dane Cook is in an upcoming movie called Good Luck Chuck. In it, he plays the titular Chuck, a man who discovers that every time he sleeps with a woman, she goes on to meet the man she will marry, so women start seeking him out as a service so they can have a quick fuck and then go on to meet their soul mate. But he becomes conflicted when he meets Jessica Alba and falls in love with her. The movie comes out this August.

That same month, Dane starts shooting another movie called Bachelor No. 2. In it, he plays the titular bachelor, a man who specializes in taking women out on nightmare dates. Recently-dumped men start seeking him out to date their ex-chicks, so that they will then go running back to their great-by-comparison boyfriends. But he becomes conflicted when he is hired to take out Kate Hudson, who I think is his best friend's ex or something.

I would just like to know what Dane's doing here. Is he trying to start his own sub-genre? The romantic comedy where people hire Dane Cook for sex? Is this going to be a section at Blockbuster someday? For now, let's just keep our eyes open.

Cheers,
Diego

Standoff.

2007-06-18T11:52:00.000-07:00

Back during the upfronts in May, I blogged about all the shows that were cancelled off the big networks' new fall schedules, and how devastating or appropriate each cancellation was:

The Upfronts: NBC.
The Upfronts: ABC.
The Upfronts: CBS.
The Upfronts: FOX & The CW.

It has now come to my attention that I completely neglected to mention a few shows (I guess the list I had at the time was incomplete). But the most noteworthy oversight was the FOX action drama Standoff. So...

FUCK FOX AGAIN
- Standoff -- This is an awesome show about two wisecracky hostage negotiators (Ron Livingston and Rosemarie DeWitt) who share a turbulent relationship. First FOX made 13 episodes, then they ordered 6 more for a grand total of 19, then they pulled it (after airing only 11 episodes) for a six-month hiatus and cancelled the show about a month before it came back (to a Friday night death slot). The remaining eight episodes are airing now through July.

Interesting to note is that Gina Torres was part of this show's supporting cast. She was also in the cast of Firefly (which was murdered by FOX in its first season back in 2002), bringing the grand total of Firefly alum-starring shows cancelled by FOX in their first season this year alone to 2. The other is Drive, which I believe airs its final two episodes on the Fourth of July.

Foxy, you're doing a heck of a job.

Cheers,
Diego

Shirley You Jest.

2007-06-17T02:13:00.001-07:00

This past season, Scrubs was at its all-time shittiest comedy low. It was, shall we say, on life support. So, in an effort to (as Scrubs creator Bill Lawrence put it) "shake things up," they did an episode where the sassy Nurse Laverne Roberts dies in a car accident. See, throughout the episode, she had been trying to convince Dr. Cox that God has a plan and that "everything happens for a reason." So when a sweet little girl comes in with a gunshot wound or something, Cox quips, "So what's the reason for this?" It later turns out that they find an operable tumor in the girl when they X-ray her, so in a way, getting shot saved her life (or something like that). At the end of the episode, Cox comes in and is told that Laverne was in a car accident and is now in a non-responsive coma. It actually ended in a "to be continued" and the whole next episode was devoted to everyone saying goodbye before she finally passed away. The characters all briefly grieved in that lifeless mock-serious mumble they all do about once an episode and were back to their zany antics by the following week.

Now Variety is reporting that the actress who played Laverne is being brought back next season in the role of her "single, alcoholic, non-religious" twin sister Shirley. This is because Bill Lawrence evidently promised her that she would still have a job on the show in the unlikely event that they got renewed. So it's not enough that they're churning out these lumbering, hackneyed ratings stunts, now they're going to actually shit all over them. Turns out death is only temporary, kids. So if your friend dies, don't worry, because their twin brother or sister will be along shortly and you can play with them. That's a great message to put out there; very responsible.

I don't really have that much of a problem with this. I just think this show is stupid.

Cheers,
Diego

The Ballad of Isaiah Washington.

2007-06-08T21:00:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there was an actor named Isaiah Washington. He was in a lot of movies for almost twenty years, but not everyone knew who he was. In 2005, he appeared on a new show called Grey's Anatomy, playing a cardiothoracic surgeon named Dr. Preston Xavier Burke. This show was a piece of shit, but there was a lot of sex and music and bullshit in it, so it became one of the most popular shows on TV, and now everyone knew who he was.

In October 2006, when the show was in its third season, reports surfaced about vicious backstage battles between Mr. Washington and his co-star, Patrick Dempsey. During one of these fights, Mr. Washington reportedly said to Mr. Dempsey, "I'm not your little faggot like T.R." This was in reference to their privately homosexual co-star T.R. Knight. After this news, lots of people started to hate Mr. Washington, and Mr. Knight was forced to publicly come out of the closet and abandon the privacy he had been enjoying up until that point. Mr. Washington felt very embarrassed about all of this, so, while emphatically denying using the bad word, he stated to the whole world, "I sincerely regret my actions and the unfortunate use of words during the recent incident on-set."

In January 2007, Grey's Anatomy inexplicably won the Golden Globe for Best Drama. When the cast was taking questions backstage in celebration of this fine award, one of the reporters started talking about backstage conflicts and Mr. Washington blurted out, "No, I did not call T.R. a faggot." Saying this word made everybody angry with him again, including all the people who worked with him. His bosses at the ABC network reprimanded him for being such a hateful prick, so Mr. Washington made it a point to publicly ask for help in dealing with the issues inside his soul and entered a rehabilitation program to undergo psychological analysis and take anger counseling for his apparent homophobia.

In June 2007, ABC announced that they would not be allowing Mr. Washington to act on the show anymore, and he was fired. Because of this, the third season finale of Grey's Anatomy ended with the derailment of a wedding between his character and another character on the show, leaving the door open for his impending departure. Mr. Washington publicly stated, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore," paraphrasing a famous line from the 1976 movie Network, but everybody was just perplexed and unimpressed by the quote. He also said something about doing charity work and making an independent movie, but nobody really gave a shit anymore.

Cheers,
Diego

Sean Connery Turns Down Indiana Jones 4.

2007-06-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

Mr. Connery's statement:

"I get asked the question so often, I thought it best to make an announcement. I thought long and hard about it and if anything could have pulled me out of retirement it would have been an Indiana Jones film. I love working with Steven and George, and it goes without saying that it is an honor to have Harrison as my son. But in the end, retirement is just too damned much fun. I, do however, have one bit of advice for Junior: Demand that the critters be digital, the cliffs be low, and for goodness sake keep that whip by your side at all times in case you need to escape from the stunt coordinator! This is a remarkable cast, and I can only say, 'Break a leg, everyone.' I'll see you on May 22, 2008 at the theater!"

Are you kidding? You can continue your stupid retirement later. The only thing you can't do later is THIS MOVIE [THAT WILL EXIST FOREVER AFTER YOU ARE DEAD]. Thanks for ruining my life.

Cheers,
Diego

The Top Ten Best Shows of the 2006/2007 Season

2007-06-04T20:15:00.000-07:00

I recently saw an article that TV Guide did where they came up with their own "dream ballot" for the 2007 Emmy Awards. Some of their picks were all right, but some others were outright disgusting. So I thought I'd write about what I thought were the ten best shows of the 2006/2007 season.

I. THE LIST

10. THE OFFICE -- The mockumentary format of this show affords it comedic opportunities beyond any other, grounding the humor in a more tangible reality. It has a tendency to gravitate towards easy idiot humor a lot of the time, which gives it a significantly lower batting average than, say, the British original. But it can be good.
9. AMERICAN DAD! -- Amazingly different from Family Guy in lots of small ways, this is a total success entirely of itself.
8. HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER -- Normally, the traditional four-camera/laugh track format is a sign of shittiness these days, but this sitcom is hilarious and perfectly cast.
7. DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES -- This is probably the best-plotted show on television. It's like they make a list of eight hundred good story ideas to choose from, and then they just use them all.
6. 24 -- Some people claim this was the worst season ever, but I think that's like, "You know those six 24-hour orgasms I just had? Yah, that last one was the worst one."
5. LOST -- The problem with Lost this year is that they didn't write 22 episodes. They wrote 1 season. And every week, episodes would just end halfway through plotlines, sometimes after a whole bunch of time filler. It was the opposite of Desperate Housewives. The finale, when they finally got to it, was mind blowing and incredible. But their execution before that point needed a little work.
4. BOSTON LEGAL -- I haven't watched this season yet, but if it's as good as when I left off, then its rightful spot on my list is right about here.
3. STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP -- I completely give up on trying to explain why this show got such a poor reception. I keep a small list of shows I love the shit out of, that inexplicably never made it past the first season, and it just got one entry longer.
2. FAMILY GUY -- A show so good it uncancelled itself. I hope it's on forever. But not in that unfunny Simpsons way.
1. HOUSE, MD -- Just, the best show.

II. DOES THIS COUNT?

- EXTRAS -- This was a British import, so I don't know if it technically counts as a 2006/2007 show or whatever, but it was sensational.

III. HONORABLE MENTIONS

- DICE: UNDISPUTED -- This was a reality show about Andrew Dice Clay trying to revive his career, but all the people who work for him are idiots. This resulted in some of the finest incidental comedy I've ever seen. You couldn't write stuff this good.
- LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT -- I don't think there's any dispute that this is the best police procedural right now.
- MONK -- Great.
- PSYCH -- Also good.
- SMALLVILLE -- Terrible, but in a hilarious way. It's also fun to watch for the occasional comic book reference they throw at us. But the only genuinely good thing left in this show is Michael Rosenbaum.

Cheers,
Diego

2006 vs. 2007, Part 1: May

2007-06-02T07:08:00.000-07:00

In an effort to determine whether this year is better than last year, going solely by the movies that came out, I will now compare the two years, weekend by weekend, on the month that kickstarts the summer blockbuster season: May.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III (2006) vs. SPIDER-MAN 3 (2007)
There is no contest here. M:i:III was one of the best action movies in recent years, and Spider-Man 3 was fun, but an overblown mess. One point for 2006.
1st Weekend Score: 2006 (1) vs. 2007 (0)

POSEIDON (2006) vs. THE EX (2007)
What's better, a stupid action movie or a terrible comedy? Gonna have to go with the stupid action movie. Because it may have been stupid, but at least it was fun. The only good thing about The Ex was [most of] its cast.
2nd Weekend Score: 2006 (2) vs. 2007 (0)

THE DA VINCI CODE (2006) vs. SHREK THE THIRD (2007)
Both of these movies were disappointing, but The Da Vinci Code had nothing on the godless steroid-injected disappointing power of Shrek the Third. This movie was computer animated desperation.
3rd Weekend Score: 2006 (3) vs. 2007 (0)

X-MEN: THE LAST STAND (2006) vs. PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END (2007)
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End was very confusing. I had neither a single idea what was happening at any given moment nor the slightest hint of an indication as to what any character was thinking, ever, during the whole movie. It was like The Matrix Revolutions with pirates. In this way, I don't think it lived up to the first two. However, it is American fucking Beauty compared to X-Men: The Last Stand. X-Men: The Last Stand followed the single best Marvel movie of all time (X2) and just took a big shit on it. It's like if Catwoman had been the sequel to Batman Begins. And so 2006 takes its first hit.
4th Weekend Score: 2006 (3) vs. 2007 (1)

THE WINNER OF MAY: 2006. Because it mostly sucked, but not to the extent that 2007 sucked.

And, for the sake of clarity, I actually did like the Matrix sequels.

Cheers,
Diego

Open Letter to Jeffrey Katzenberg

2007-06-01T03:58:00.000-07:00

From IMDb:

DreamWorks Animation plans to produce two more Shrek movies before shutting down the franchise, CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg has told the Australian newspaper The Age. "It's a finite story, has been from the beginning and I think that's part of its integrity, part of its strength, that we're not thinking this up as we go," he said in an interview with the Melbourne newspaper. "Ultimately we will come back to understand how Shrek arrived in that swamp. We will reveal his story." Although acknowledging that he is committed to making movies that will make money for DreamWorks' investors, Katzenberg maintained that he himself never thinks about money. "I've never done anything in my entire life for money. ... I'm amazingly disengaged from it, always have been. I probably would have done even better had I ever paid any attention to it. [His wealth is estimated at $800 million.] My partner David Geffen is a genius at it. He's worth a gajillion times more than me because he does pay attention to it -- he's brilliant at investing."

Now you listen to me, you son of a bitch. How dare you make a statement as stupid as "It's a finite story, has been from the beginning?" If there's anything this franchise doesn't have, it is both integrity and strength. And you are most definitely thinking every bit of it up as you go. That is why you brought in new writers when you decided you were going to make as many Shrek sequels as you possibly could. The only reason you are even making Shrek 4 and Shrek 5 is because you announced them after Shrek 2 (the single most profitable Dreamworks movie to date), and now that you're draining all magic from the franchise, you want to pretend that your motives are pure and artistically motivated. Just be honest, god dammit. As if anybody is going to believe that anyone during the making of the first Shrek ever uttered the phrase, "We see this as a five-movie series." You've never done anything in your entire life for money? Then why was there more than one Shrek? It's based on a children's book. You dumb fuck. I haven't seen this much shameless spinning since Walt Disney's proverbial grave after they released the trailer for Cinderella III.

Cheers,
Diego

Big D Hot 10.

2007-05-28T03:25:00.000-07:00

As promised, here's my own personal Top 10. These are the ladies I would put on a card to carry around with me, and if I met them in real life, I would show them the card and they would be allowed to sleep with me. I think this is admissible in court.

10. Shannen Doherty -- Odd choice, I agree. Maybe it's because nobody else likes her. How bout this, I'll carry an alternate list with, say, Rachel McAdams right here.
9. The girl detective from Law & Order -- I realize she has a name, but this is only a passing fancy, so it would contradict my feelings if I were to refer to her as Milena Govich.
8. Colleen Haskell -- She's been off the radar for a while, so I think it would be weird to put her any higher on the list.
7. Neve Campbell -- Recently married, so no real future there.
6. Claire Danes -- Mainly love her acting.
5. Angelina Jolie -- She used to top the list in high school, but something tells me it just wouldn't work out.
4. Gina Gershon -- Four years ago, she was twice my age. Yikes.
3. Naomi Watts -- I think I'd just have her put on funny acts for me, like King Kong.
2. Hilary Swank -- Extra points for being both a karate kid and a million dollar baby.
1. Linda Cardellini -- You could tell Heath Ledger was gay in Brokeback Mountain because he passed this one up. Also he fucked Jake Gyllenhaal in the ass.

Cheers,
Diego

Maxim Hot 100 -- Who Would I Do?

2007-05-27T02:57:00.000-07:00

So Maxim recently put out the issue that comes with the annual Hot 100 bonus magazine. A minimag that basically counts down what they have decided are the hottest 100 women in the world. It's always funny how the hottest women are usually the ones that have posed for their magazine in the past year. I have reproduced the list here and provided commentary on which of these women I would have sex with. The darkened names represent the women I wasn't that familiar with, and hence, didn't waste any time fantasizing about having sex with. And now, the list.

100. Noureen DeWulf
99. Mia Maestro
98. Yunjin Kim -- She plays Sun on Lost. She is a pretty good actress, so I would have sex with her.
97. Kim Kardashian
96. Shanna Moakler
95. Second Life Girl
94. Kelly Carlson
93. Christina Milian
92. Mary Elizabeth Winstead
91. Isla Fisher -- She was in Wedding Crashers. She was funny. I would have sex with her.
90. Salma Hayek -- Hot, but annoying. I would have sex with her and then start reading a magazine so she would get the hint.
89. Haylie Duff -- She was in Napoleon Dynamite. I'm not really in the market for Haylie Duff sex.
88. Raquel Alessi
87. Padma Lakshmi
86. Michelle Trachtenberg -- It is always weird when evaluating the hotness of a former child star, but I guess I would take her for a boner test drive.
85. Kelly Ripa -- I would be very interested in Kelly Ripa sex.
84. Hometown Hottie
83. Ivanka Trump -- Seems a little full of herself, but still yes to the sex.
82. Dita Von Teese
81. Emmanuelle Chriqui
80. Abbie Cornish
79. Adrianne Palicki
78. Joss Stone
77. Hilarie Burton
76. Diora Baird
75. April Scott
74. Tara Conner
73. Mena Suvari -- She was in American Pie and American Beauty. Where has she been? Tentative maybe.
72. Ciara
71. Willa Ford -- She had a hit single a long time ago. Also on the fence.
70. Stacy Keibler
69. Danica Patrick
68. Evangeline Lilly -- She is also on Lost. Absolutely yes I would have sex with her.
67. Gabrielle Union
66. Joanna Krupa
65. Autumn Reeser
64. Lena Headey
63. Bianca Kajlich -- She was on Boston Public and Halloween Resurrection. If the years have been kind, then sure.
62. Danneel Harris
61. Nadine Velazquez
60. Jessica White
59. Jamie-Lynn Sigler -- She is on The Sopranos. But, ah. No thanks.
58. Penelope Cruz -- I don't really like her. Maybe some doggie style.
57. Tricia Helfer
56. Michele Merkin
55. Halle Berry -- Also very annoying. She gets angry sex.
54. Missy Peregrym
53. Adriana Lima
52. Kate Walsh
51. Alessandra Ambrosio
50. Miss Maxim
49. Mischa Barton
48. Mandy Moore -- She's cool. I would like to curl up with her and watch "A Walk To Remember," and then have sex.
47. Katharine McPhee -- At least.
46. Kristen Bell
45. Bar Refaeli
44. Rose McGowan -- Sexy and funny. God yes.
43. Kate Mara -- Might as well.
42. Minka Kelly
41. Jessica Simpson -- Sometimes her stupidity on Newlyweds became a massive turnoff. I think I would have sex with her if we only spoke through scripted lines.
40. Moon Bloodgood
39. Rachel Bilson
38. Shakira -- I don't know. I guess I'd walk in the room and call it on the spot.
37. Ashley Olsen -- Fuck no. I'm a Mary-Kate man.
36. Jamie King
35. Jennifer Garner -- Such a cutie pie. I hope she enjoys getting pregnant.
34. Vanessa Minnillo
33. Roselyn Sanchez
32. Lacey Chabert -- Isn't she like a poor man's Jennifer Love Hewitt? Well, guess what. I'm broke.
31. Amy Smart -- Absolutely yes, and would maybe discuss her career for a little bit.
30. Rebecca Romijn -- What red blooded American male wouldn't?
29. Sarah Silverman -- Not if she's gonna be gross.
28. Carmen Electra -- Actually, I could go either way on this.
27. Kate Hudson -- All right.
26. Nelly Furtado -- Nah.
25. Elisha Cuthbert -- Sign me up for the all-day pass.
24. Sophia Bush
23. Hilary Duff -- She does all those crappy movies... okay, but let's get to know each other first.
22. Nicole Scherzinger
21. Kate Beckinsdale
20. Keira Knightley -- I'd give her a jolly good rogering.
19. Cameron Diaz -- Uh, yeah.
18. Megan Fox
17. Maria Sharapova
16. Ashlee Simpson -- I don't recognize her with the new nose. I'd call this one on the spot too.
15. Avril Lavigne -- What an odd choice. I'll say yes for the novelty.
14. Katherine Heigl -- Not a fan of Grey's Anatomy, but whatever. Hop on.
13. Beyonce -- This fuck has been a thousand music videos in the making.
12. Angelina Jolie -- She would need to clear her schedule (for all the sex).
11. Sienna Miller
10. Fergie -- I would hit it till the London Bridge came down.
9. Eva Longoria -- Only one desperate housewife? She will have to do. And do her I will.
8. Rihanna
7. Eva Mendes -- I would definitely throw it in her for a decent amount of time.
6. Ali Larter -- Not attracted to her. Can you believe it?
5. Jessica Biel -- I really hate her, but am not sure why. She also gets angry sex.
4. Christina Aguilera -- When she first came on the scene, she was a little young; not quite ripe. Then, for a while, she was kinda gross. But she has aged into a seemingly fine wine. I'd tap the hell out of it before she gets corked.
3. Scarlett Johansson -- Yummerz.
2. Jessica Alba -- I think Sin City was the clincher.
1. Lindsay Lohan -- Really? #1? It's not her fault, but I just have a majorly trashy tabloid image of her. Maybe if she washed her vagina first.

And that's the Maxim Hot 100. Pretty lame, if you ask me. I'd say only one name out of this entire list would appear on my own personal Top 10, and that is Angelina Jolie. Perhaps I will post my own personal Top 10. After I'm done thinking of the forty-something yeses I just handed out. I hope you've enjoyed my most culturally relevant blog yet.

Cheers,
Diego

The Rialto.

2007-05-20T03:34:00.001-07:00

So I wanted to go see Shrek the Third. I hadn't heard good things, so I expected it to be bad, but I'd expected the same of Shrek 2 (due to the new writers) and had been pleasantly surprised upon seeing that one. So I was equally prepared to either like it or dislike it. I looked up the theaters that were showing it, because I usually shell out for the nice theaters for all the cool summer movies, but I was willing to see Shrek the Third in any old shithouse. And I saw that one of the theaters showing it was The Rialto.

The Rialto is an old theater in South Pasadena where they shot the cold opening for Scream 2. I LOVE this movie, so I figured it would be cool to go check it out. I watched the beginning of Scream 2 to re-acquaint myself with the location and then I drove there. It was in a very nice little neighborhood, where I was amazed to find free parking right on the street. It's been a full decade since they shot Scream 2, and the shops surrounding The Rialto were exactly the same. The tiny box office out front was still there, but it was not in use. Rather, they were selling the tickets within, on the side of the concession stand. I just about nutted instantaneously when I saw the lobby. The door to the auditorium where Omar scares Jada, the stairs where the two guys run around play-stabbing each other, the concession stand that Jada goes to; it was all there. I immediately checked out the men's room to see if it was the same one they used in the movie, but it wasn't. Actually, I heard that the auditorium itself was shot at the Vista (another nearby theater I've been to), so maybe they shot the men's room there too. I will confirm this next time I go.

I then got some popcorn and soda at the concession stand, just like Jada Pinkett Smith. Except The Rialto uses the same overpriced cups and popcorn bags you see everywhere else. See, in the movie, Jada orders a medium popcorn and a small Diet Pepsi. She's given a giant cup with the Pepsi logo and a BUCKET of popcorn. What if she had ordered the large popcorn with a large drink? She wouldn't have been able to lift them. When I ordered a medium popcorn and a medium drink, the concession people showed me how tiny the medium was and started selling me on the large sizes, because they both come with free refills if you get a large. How much do they think one person can eat? Giving me large quantities of something is the only guarantee you have that I won't need a refill, you maniacs. They really want to give people their money's worth. I guess that's why their medium popcorn was a bucket ten years ago. And they were selling Coke, not Pepsi.

So, I guess, not exactly like Jada Pinkett Smith.

They were also selling DVDs at the concession stand. They had copies of Scream 2, The Player, and whatever other movies were probably shot there. Overall, my moviegoing experience was super awesome. Visiting this location was just as magical as when I ate at the Burger King glimpsed at the beginning of Back to the Future a few months ago. And Shrek the Third sucked my balls.

Cheers,
Diego

The Upfronts: FOX & The CW.

2007-05-18T02:21:00.000-07:00

And here we are on the last day of the upfronts. It's been a wild ride. There's been lots of cancellations. Some wise, some foolish, and a shitload fairly irrelevant. Today, I will cover the cancellations made by FOX and The CW, and I will mix them all up into my standard four categories:

1. GOOD -- These are the shows I'm glad are gone, and would have pulled off the air myself if given the chance.
2. I DON'T CARE -- These are the shows I have absolutely no opinion of because I didn't watch them.
3. I KINDA CARE -- These are the shows I watched, but are not exactly a huge loss.
4. FUCK FOX -- These are the shows I loved, taken before their time.

1. GOOD
The CW:
- 7th Heaven -- This is a show that I think has probably long outlasted its usefulness. It ran for 10 seasons before they decided to cancel it, and when The WB became The CW, they actually uncancelled it and brought it back for an 11th season. I used to watch it at some point during the earlier seasons when I was in high school. It was about a Christian family, the father being a church minister. The main reason I stopped watching it is that the show sucked, everyone on it was annoying, and the parents were insanely strict, which made the kids act equally insane.
FOX:
- Justice -- I watched the first few episodes of this because it sounded pretty cool. Each episode would follow a court case to its outcome, and at the end of the episode, we would see what actually happened in the initial crime, and we would know whether or not justice was served. Good premise, but the show itself was lousy. They concentrated on all these high-tech tactics the characters had to use to win over the jury, using slick demonstrations and the cutthroat media that studied their every move. But I didn't give a shit about that sensationalistic garbage. I just wanted some good ol' fashioned courtroom justice. FOX ordered 14 episodes, produced 13, and aired 12. But that 13th one did air, in like, Mexico. So, in a way, justice was served.

2. I DON'T CARE
The CW:
- All of Us -- This was a sitcom about a racially blended family. Sounds hilarious! It ran for 3 seasons on UPN, then 1 season on The CW.
- Gilmore Girls -- This was like an hour-long dramedy about a single mom and her daughter. I've heard this is a good show, but I've never seen it. It ran for 6 seasons on The WB, then 1 season on The CW. What's up with established shows helping The CW get on its feet, only to be cut down after a single season?
- Reba -- This was a sitcom about a wisecracking single mom played by country singer Reba McEntire. I can only assume there's people on the planet who actually enjoyed watching this. It ran for 5 seasons on The WB, then 1 season on The CW. Good lord.
- Runaway -- This was an hour-long drama about a family that was secretly on the run from the law (for a crime the father didn't commit) while at the same time being hunted by the real killer. It was one of only two shows that actually premiered on The CW. As such, The CW aired only 3 of its 13 episodes. Ah, see? Now The CW is acting like a real network.
- Veronica Mars -- This was a teen mystery show. It ran for 2 seasons on UPN, then 1 season on The CW. Anyone else pick up on that pattern? Anyway, that's it for all The CW shows.
FOX:
- Happy Hour -- Happy Hour was a sitcom about a young guy trying to rebuild his life after losing everything. I'm gonna guess he didn't make it -- FOX aired only 4 of its 13 episodes.
- The O.C. -- This was a popular teen drama about people who lived in Orange County, California. I could never bring myself to watch this show. I guess I'm more of a Smallville guy. FOX cancelled this after 4 seasons.
- Vanished -- This was an hour-long drama about a senator's wife getting kidnapped, followed by a bunch of other unanswered secrets and conspiracies. FOX aired only 9 of its 13 episodes, leaving no storyline resolved. At least the show's title became tragically appropriate.
- The War at Home -- This was a sitcom about a dysfunctional family starring Michael Rappaport. I never saw this show, but with Rappaport as the lead, how bad could it have been? FOX cancelled it after 2 seasons.
- The Wedding Bells -- This was an hour-long dramedy about wedding planners, co-created by David E. Kelley. Being an admirer of Kelley's work, I tried to watch this show, but it was uninteresting and, just, filled with wedding shit. FOX aired only 5 of its 7 episodes.

3. I KINDA CARE
- The Rich List -- This was a game show in which teams of two would compete at making lists, to see who could name the most things out of each category. Holy shit! I remember this show! I had completely forgotten about its very existence. Maybe that's because FOX cancelled it after airing only 1 episode. You fucking cowards! Don't get me wrong; this show was even more asinine than it sounds, but it was still fun to play along at home and make all the contestants look like idiots.
- The Winner -- This was a sitcom about a man-child in his 30's who lived with his parents (narrated by his future millionaire self). It wasn't a brilliant show, but it was pretty funny, and it demonstrated a love for classic shows (not unlike Family Guy) that made me appreciate it a little more than I otherwise would have. FOX ran all 6 episodes of this, perhaps forecasting its imminent demise by burning them 2 at a time over a period of 3 weeks.

4. FUCK FOX
- Drive -- This was an hour-long ensemble drama about a secret illegal underground road race being run by a mysterious organization. It wasn't a great show, but it was certainly engaging, and as of its demise, I would have kept watching it indefinitely. It was a blatant Lost ripoff, which was at the same time its best and worst quality. And while I'm confessing to this guilty pleasure, I might as well also admit that this show managed to sneak in a twist at one point that actually blew my mind. Which is embarrassing, because that rarely happens, even with far better shows. I hate FOX for putting this in the Prison Break time slot and not helping it build an audience before immediately pulling the plug on it. Especially because they are once again jerking around Nathan Fillion, who previously starred in Joss Whedon's Firefly, an unbelievably good show that didn't even make it through its first season on FOX. In the meantime, Prison Break sucks ass. FOX aired only 4 of Drive's 6 episodes, with tentative plans to burn off the last 2 on July 4, 2007. Well, God bless America.

And that's it for all the shows that were left out of the network TV upfronts. Stay tuned for more upfront bullshit later if I feel like it.

Cheers,
Diego

The Upfronts: CBS.

2007-05-16T20:10:00.000-07:00

So today was the upfront for CBS. I have a list of the shows they're not bringing back, which I will now divide into the following categories:

1. GOOD -- These are the shows I'm glad are gone, and would have pulled off the air myself if given the chance.
2. I DON'T CARE -- These are the shows I have absolutely no opinion of because I didn't watch them.
3. I KINDA CARE -- These are the shows I watched, but are not exactly a huge loss.
4. FUCK CBS -- These are the shows I loved, taken before their time.

1. GOOD
- Armed & Famous -- I never saw this, but was repulsed enough by the premise. It was basically Erik Estrada, La Toya Jackson, Jack Osbourne, Trish Stratus, and Wee Man training to be cops in Muncie, Indiana. Now, I can enjoy the reality exploitation of desperate celebrities just like the next guy, but doing it right is tricky business. And I don't think this is the way to do it. CBS killed this show after 4 episodes and sold the reruns to VH1. Must have been some cheap reruns.
- Jericho -- This show followed the population of Jericho, Kansas, after the town was cut off from the rest of the world following some kind of nuclear attack. I watched the first episode and found it to be something of an insulting Lost copycat. I didn't really hate it, but I saw no future for it. CBS cancelled it after airing all 22 episodes.

2. I DON'T CARE
- 3 lbs. -- This was a show about brain surgeons that I guess was supposed to be a really good replacement for Smith (see below), but was cancelled after CBS aired only 3 of its 8 episodes. I think the rest are being shown on the Internet.
- The Class -- All the networks wanted this one because it was co-created by one of the co-creators of Friends. It was a sitcom about these 8 people who were in 3rd grade together and meet up after a couple decades, and I guess get involved in each other's lives. I wonder if anyone heard that premise and thought, "I gotta see this fuckin show." CBS aired all 19 episodes.
- Close to Home -- This was apparently a crime drama about a woman criminal prosecutor who is married to a construction worker and has a baby daughter. It took place in Indiana, which makes me wonder if any crossovers were considered with Armed & Famous. This show ran for two 22-episode seasons, cancelled by CBS after it aired all 44 episodes.
- Rock Star -- This show also ran for 2 seasons. It was a reality competition where famous rock groups tried to find new lead singers, like the movie of the same name. The first season was for the group INXS, the second season was for the group Supernova, and the likelihood of a third season depends on CBS's determination to keep me from watching their network.
- Smith -- This was a show with Ray Liotta about professional thieves who also have personal lives. CBS cancelled it after airing only 3 of its 7 episodes, then put the rest on the Internet. Then they replaced it with 3 lbs. and did the same thing. Maybe they should start ordering new shows in 3-episode packages.
- Waterfront -- This was about the quirky mayor of Providence, Rhode Island, who, much like Close to Home and Smith, has to balance his work and personal life. The funny thing about this show is that CBS cancelled it after airing zero of its 5 episodes. The show never saw airwaves. Why did they shoot the episodes?!

3. I KINDA CARE
- The King of Queens -- This is a really funny show, and the last surviving sitcom to have premiered in the 90's. I don't really mind that it's over, because it ran for 9 seasons, which is great for any sitcom. Hopefully this means more Kevin James standup.

4. FUCK CBS
CBS didn't cancel any shows I really loved. This shows either great judgment, or a lack of great programming.

So that's it for CBS. The upfronts end tomorrow with FOX and the CW. Paragons both.

Cheers,
Diego

The Upfronts: ABC.

2007-05-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the upfront for NBC. They announced their new fall schedule, so I took a list of the NBC shows that weren't coming back, and I divided them into categories describing how I felt about their cancellation. CBS is tomorrow, FOX and the CW are Thursday, but ABC was today. So I will now list ABC's cancelled shows, divided into the same four categories as yesterday:

1. GOOD -- These are the shows I'm glad are gone, and would have pulled off the air myself if given the chance.
2. I DON'T CARE -- These are the shows I have absolutely no opinion of because I didn't watch them.
3. I KINDA CARE -- These are the shows I watched, but are not exactly a huge loss.
4. FUCK ABC -- These are the shows I loved, taken before their time.

1. GOOD
Nothing. I didn't hate any of the cancelled ABC shows.

2. I DON'T CARE
- According to Jim -- I used to watch this back in the day. I love Jim Belushi, and I remember it being a funny show, but I haven't seen it in years. It ran for 6 seasons though, which is not bad for a sitcom.
- Big Day -- Evidently, this was a sitcom about a wedding. I don't even remember the commercials for this thing. ABC aired 12 of the show's 13 episodes. How sad.
- Day Break -- I do remember the commercials for this. Taye Diggs relives the same day over and over, like Groundhog Day, except it's a drama where he has to solve a murder. ABC aired only 6 of the show's 13 episodes, then cancelled it and eventually showed the rest of the season online. Good for them.
- Extreme Makeover -- Apparently, this show was like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, except people got plastic surgery instead of new homes. Who would watch this? It ran for like 4 seasons.
- The George Lopez Show -- I used to watch this around the same time I used to watch According to Jim, and I remembered it also being funny. But I recently tried to watch it again and it sucked, so I'm not too broken up over it. It also ran for 6 seasons, and it's going to Nick at Nite this fall, so everyone go buy a lot of tapes so you can record every episode. Thank you, Nick at Nite!
- The Great Dream American Vote -- It seems that this was a show where contestants would say what their dream was, and people would vote on the Internet for which one of them would get to have their dream come true. So what the fuck actually happened on the show? Not surprised to see this one get shitcanned. ABC cancelled it after airing only 2 episodes (out of, like, 3).
- Help Me Help You -- Ted Danson as a therapist who may have even more problems than his patients. Wow, good idea for a sitcom; I wonder where he got it. Oh, I know, his friend Kelsey Grammer did it as a spin-off of Cheers, which they were both in. What are you, copying other people's sitcoms now? I think the next Ted Danson show should be about a standup comedian and his three friends. Or perhaps Wings 2. ABC cancelled this after airing only 9 of the show's 13 episodes.
- In Case of Emergency -- Some kind of sitcom about old high school acquaintances. ABC aired 12 of the show's 13 episodes. Hey, just like you, Big Day.
- The Nine -- A serial drama about a group of strangers brought together during a bank robbery, with flashbacks and connections between the people. Just like Lost, except nobody cares. ABC aired only 7 of the show's 13 episodes. Have you noticed networks never finish anything they start?
- Six Degrees -- This one was about these six people living in New York, and how their lives intersected in all these different ways. Just like The Nine. How weird is it that stealing from Lost doesn't automatically guarantee you an audience? It worked for Heroes. ABC aired only 8 of the show's 12 episodes, but then put the rest online. For all the hardcore Six Degrees fans.
- What About Brian -- I guess this was a show about some guy played by the guy from 7th Heaven. It had a 5-episode first season, then a 19-episode second season, and then ABC cancelled it. And that's the pulse-pounding story of What About Brian.

3. I KINDA CARE
- Show Me the Money -- I liked this one. It was kind of a convoluted mutant amalgam of lots of other different game shows, and it completely lacked any kind of unifying theme, which may have, in part, contributed to its mindless charm. It also had hot chicks (who danced) and was hosted by William Shatner (who also danced). So it was always fun to watch. ABC aired like 5 of its 7 episodes.

4. FUCK ABC
- The Knights of Prosperity -- I wasn't drop-dead teenage girl puberty in love with this show, but of all the shows that premiered in 2006, this was probably the funniest, and it most definitely did not deserve to get yanked like this. Of course, ABC's plans for the show are still unclear, but that in itself is an insult. To date, ABC aired only 9 of the show's 13 episodes. I guess the one thing every network loves to do is throw money away.

Wow. That was a lot of inconsequential ABC shows. I don't really feel like talking about the new shows they announced. This is a time of mourning. Maybe at the end of the week, I will write about the new shows that sound interesting. Tomorrow, I discuss CBS. Today, ABC stands for Another Bunch of Crap.

Cheers,
Diego

The Upfronts: NBC.

2007-05-14T19:17:00.000-07:00

It's the third week of May again, which means it's time for the major TV network upfronts. An upfront is when the network executives meet with the press and potential advertisers and show off their new fall lineup. NBC went today, ABC will go tomorrow, CBS will go Wednesday, and FOX and the CW will go Thursday. I have in front of me a list of the shows reportedly cancelled by NBC. These shows will not be coming back. So I thought I would present them here in a list of four categories:

1. GOOD -- These are the shows I'm glad are gone, and would have pulled off the air myself if given the chance.
2. I DON'T CARE -- These are the shows I have absolutely no opinion of because I didn't watch them.
3. I KINDA CARE -- These are the shows I watched, but are not exactly a huge loss.
4. FUCK NBC -- These are the shows I loved, taken before their time.

1. GOOD
- Twenty Good Years -- This was a traditional sitcom starring John Lithgow and Jeffrey Tambor as two old guys who want to make the most of their lives. Unfortunately, it suffered from a combination of terrible writing and annoying canned laughter. This was one of the most tragic wastes of comedic talent in recent history, and I'm thankful it's over. NBC aired only 4 of the 13 episodes, showing surprisingly remarkable aptitude.
- Grease: You're the One That I Want -- This was an American Idol-type show where male and female contestants performed competitively in order to win the roles of Danny and Sandy (respectively) in a Grease Broadway revival. I started out watching it, because I love Grease, but it started to feel like too much of a shallow Idol ripoff. And it was making me sick of the Grease songs I love, so I cut it loose. By the way, why does every Idol ripoff have to have its own catty British asshole judge? They had one in this, American Inventor (ABC), and America's Got Talent (NBC). And none of them are as great as Simon Cowell, even though he's a producer on both those last ones. Too bad they both got renewed.
- The Real Wedding Crashers -- If there's anything worse than a cheap reality prank show, it's a cheap reality prank show trying to capitalize off someone else's creative success. I didn't watch this, but I resented it for existing, especially in what was once Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip's time slot. You can't tell me more people would want to watch this garbage than Studio 60. And I am NOT a reality snob. I love reality. I just don't like shit. NBC cancelled this after three episodes, but they are thinking of airing a few more later in the year. Great.

2. I DON'T CARE
- The Black Donnellys -- This was the first thing that took Studio 60's Monday night spot after Studio 60 was prematurely pulled for low ratings, and this show's ratings turned out to be even worse. I didn't watch it, I don't know what it's about, and I don't care to. NBC only aired 7 of the show's 13 episodes, but the rest are available online.
- Crossing Jordan -- Apparently this was a crime drama about a medical examiner that ran for 6 seasons. It was created by Tim Kring, who has moved on to his new show, Heroes. I like to watch Heroes, although it has yet to show me anything besides ripoffs of Lost and classic comic books. They say Tim Kring doesn't read comics, but then, all his writers sure do. I have no opinion of Crossing Jordan.
- Kidnapped -- This was apparently a show that would feature a core cast of kidnapping investigators, and each season would bring in a new cast of people involved in the specific season-long kidnapping investigation. NBC only aired 5 of the show's 13 episodes, but they put the rest online, and I think it's even out on DVD as we speak.
- Law & Order: Criminal Intent -- This Law & Order spinoff ran for 6 seasons on NBC, but it's not really getting cancelled; it's just moving to USA. I don't even care because it's the only Law & Order I don't watch. I'm a regular viewer of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit because it's the best one of all the Law & Orders. I also watch the original Law & Order, but only because I like the girl detective in it. I don't really pay attention to the show itself.

3. I KINDA CARE
- Andy Barker, PI -- This was a single-camera detective sitcom co-created by Conan O'Brien, starring Andy Richter and Tony Hale. I regularly watched it, and it was pretty good, but I wasn't really in love with it. Richter can't seem to catch a break. NBC aired 4 of its 6 episodes, then pulled it from its regular Thursday night time slot and burned off the remaining 2 episodes the following Saturday.
- Identity -- This was a game show hosted by Penn Jillette where contestants were given a list of twelve identities, and they had to match each identity to one of a dozen strangers standing on the stage in front of them. This show was fun because I would watch it with my brother and we would play along with the contestants. NBC aired 5 trial episodes last winter, and 7 more this spring. It's not scheduled for the fall, although I just read somewhere else that it also may not necessarily have been officially cancelled. So maybe we will get more.
- Raines -- This was a crime drama created by Graham Yost, starring Jeff Goldblum as a Los Angeles police detective who talks to imaginary manifestations of the victims in the crimes he's investigating. The pilot episode was interesting enough, and the rest of the episodes were okay. It seemed like they were trying to make Raines into a House-like character (a brilliant but anti-social hero). But the show was never in any danger of being THAT good. NBC aired all 7 episodes.
- Thank God You're Here -- This was an improv comedy show where four celebrities have to comedically bluff their way through a scene with no prior knowledge of the scene's premise. Kind of a Whose Line ripoff, but forgiveable. The improv nature of this show made it fun to watch, but there would always be one or two participants who weren't that great with the improv (as opposed to Whose Line's generally consistent improv all-star lineup). And it always bugged me that host David Alan Grier had gray hair in the pilot and black hair in all subsequent episodes. Networks really do treat us like morons. NBC aired all 7 episodes.

4. FUCK NBC
- Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip -- This is very painful for me. When I was in high school, I became a fan of Aaron Sorkin's Sports Night, a single-camera sitcom behind the scenes of a fictional sports news show. But I only became aware of it through reruns on Comedy Central, after ABC had cancelled it. Which made it something of a bittersweet joy. So back then, when I heard that Aaron Sorkin wanted to make a similar show, but have it be behind the scenes of a Saturday Night Live-esque sketch comedy show, I just about flipped my lid, because I love SNL, so this would essentially be a combination of two things I loved. And finally, years later, when NBC announced that it was happening as a one-hour drama on their 2006 fall schedule, I was as jazzed as humanly possible. I had been waiting since before the turn of the goddamn century. And when the show actually premiered, I really really loved it. From the first episode, it was instantly one of my favorites. But the whole season was plagued by poisonous chatter about its supposedly low ratings. NBC decided to temporarily pull the show from its Monday night slot in February, after airing 17 of its 22 episodes, but then got antsy and actually pulled it one week early, after airing only 16 of its 22 episodes. The remaining 6 are scheduled to take over the ER Thursday night slot at the end of May, when sweeps is over and all the other shows have aired their finales. As far as I know, there has been no official cancellation announcement, but let's just say the sets have been dismantled. So, that's nice. Fuck NBC. I hope it dies.
- Treasure Hunters -- This is like old news. NBC had a show on last summer that was kinda like The Amazing Race (which I don't watch), except it followed groups of three as they deciphered clues related to American history in order to find a treasure. I LOVED this show. It was one of my favorite reality shows. It combined colorful characters with puzzles that were interesting and challenging, and they threw in some good ol' fashioned American history to boot. I'm not entirely sure why NBC didn't bring it back this summer, but I guess if I knew the reason, I probably wouldn't like it.

NBC also announced a handful of new shows, but I don't give a fuck about any of them. With the remotely possible exception of a midseason Britcom remake, they all sound retarded. And one of them is a remake of the Bionic Woman. Today, NBC stands for Nothing But Crap.

Cheers,
Diego

Robots in Disguise.

2007-05-13T06:24:00.000-07:00

This Thursday, my brother and I went to a crazy Transformers-related event. It took place at the parking lot of a Kinko behind a giant building entirely wrapped in a multi-sided Transformers advertisement with light-up eyes. The flyer I saw online was a little vague as to what this event would be. It said something about seeing exclusive footage inside a mobile command unit. I was not interested in seeing any footage (I try to avoid advance footage of movies I already plan on seeing), but the thing said we could get free passes to an advance screening, and the first 50 attendees would receive a Transformers action figure. The action figure sounded like a good deal, so that tipped the scales for us.

Now, the flyer said the thing would start at 7am. So if you wanted to be one of the first 50, when should you get there? 6am? 5am? We ended up leaving at 6am and arriving at like 6:15am, or possibly sooner. There was no traffic because no one was stupid enough to be up that early. However, there were roughly 75 people already in line ahead of us, so we got fucked out of our free Transformers toys. My brother vowed to buy himself one, I guess to balance his zen or something, but this remains to pass.

We stood in line for an ungodly amount of time. Once 7am hit, they started letting people in, but whatever the hell was happening in this Kinko parking lot, it was taking a while, because the line was only moving in snail increments, and we ended up entering no sooner than somewhere around 7:45am. And if there's anything stupider than waiting in a line for over an hour, it's waiting in a line for over an hour, but you have no idea what the fuck you're waiting for. While we waited, a squirrel circled the entire block on power lines. Also, a van pulled up with a Power 106 logo on it, and someone in line recognized the front seat passenger as a DJ named Tattoo. He asked him to say some shit to his girl on his phone, so the Tattoo guy grabbed the phone and screamed some shit into it. By the time we entered, I forgot that I wanted to ask someone what this event was, so I missed my chance to ask the people at the sign-up table. All I knew was that one of the sign-up people referred to it as the "experience." "Don't bring any cameras in because no photography will be allowed during the experience." So the only sure thing was that I had just signed up for some kind of experience.

I then got into a line that led into a semi-trailer truck. This was the Sector Seven Mobile Command Unit. These stoic guys in black suits were letting random amounts of people in for increments of roughly 8 minutes. And whatever was happening inside that semi was a complete mystery. People would exit in varying states of excitement. At one point, the event started getting picketed by three or four protesters brandishing signs proclaiming that Sector Seven was a bunch of lying scumbags, and that we shouldn't believe their shit. Now this was fun! By the time we were let in, it was already past 8am. But we were like the first in our group, so we got a prime spot in front of one of the monitors.

The inside of the semi was lined with air tanks and devices and just a whole bunch of military crap. And some monitors. Then this guy stormed in from a door (which I guess led to another room encased inside the trailer) and got up in this other guy's face, asking him all kinds of questions. He and the other men in black assured us that there was no such thing as "NBE'S," or "Non-Biological Entities. Transformers." Great. I didn't think there were. Then they got this emergency video feed on the monitors from Qatar, and we were treated to footage of Scorponok attacking Tyrese and some other military guys out in the desert, intercut with a guy that one of the soldiers was talking to on the phone. What was amazing about this raw footage being transmitted to us was that it featured lots of coverage, both on the location and off, the special effects were still unfinished, and they were playing the Batman Begins score over it. When the whole thing was over, they reassured us that there's no such thing as blah blah blah, and we couldn't talk to anyone about it. Whatever, fucks. I know what I saw!

The whole experience was kinda like the introductory queue before T2-3D, except there was no kickass show at the end, and we were being recorded for publicity the whole time. Then we got these passes to a hypothetical advance screening of Transformers, of which there is no set date or location yet, but they will notify us. Whenever this thing turns out to be, I don't know if I will want to go to it. Advance screenings are usually filled with desperate people who seem to care more about the deal than the movie. This is just my impression, not an actual fact. I did spot some clear Transformers fans at the experience. But I think I just want to see it at a nice theater on opening night, with a crowd guaranteed to be made up of hardcore fans. I don't want to go to some ass place at a time that's been selected for me and possibly be told where to sit, which is usually the case at these things. I want to see this bitch with the rest of the world, so I can feel the Independence Day magic coursing through my proud American veins. Perhaps these warring robots will epitomize the spirit first carved into this nation's soul by a bunch of farmers and lawyers in Philadelphia City some 231 years ago. God bless America.

Cheers,
Diego

Crappy TV.

2007-05-12T03:45:00.000-07:00

This week's American Idol was pretty lame. Everyone gave uninteresting performances of obscure Barry Gibb (Bee Gees) tunes. Then LaKisha left the show, which made sense, because she was the only one left who couldn't conceivably win. I would say Blake, Melinda, and Jordin all have an equal shot at the title, although I would prefer Blake. It really might depend on their upcoming performances. Last Thursday, Randy Jackson was on Conan, and he said that he thought the Top 3 would be Blake, Melinda, and Jordin. Well, isn't that just a roundabout way of saying everyone is good except LaKisha? Get some balls, Randy. Right before Ryan announced who was going home, he asked Simon who he thought it would be, and Simon guessed correctly. Simon always guesses correctly.

What's unsettling is that Ryan keeps sticking Blake in the Bottom 2, but he never officially calls it the "Bottom 2." He just says, "You're safe, you're safe, you're safe, you're out." So, for all we know, Blake is the vote leader. Ryan isn't telling us shit.

Pink got to do a number that they didn't have time to air during "Idol Gives Back." It wasn't her latest single (U + Ur Hand), because the show producers wanted her to change a few lyrics, and she would rather not do the song at all than change the lyrics. I definitely respect that. On the other hand, I wasn't super into this other song that she did. Besides that, nothing else of note happened this week on Idol, except that Ryan did the Wednesday morning interviews at Farmer's Market again. This pretty much solidifies the fact that that is his go-to spot, and if we want to get interviewed, we should definitely hang out there on Wednesday mornings. But if they plan on doing the finale at the Kodak Theater, then the interviews could be on Hollywood Boulevard again. Whatev.

Overall, I'd say I've been disappointed with this season's theme selections. Some previous season themes have included the likes of Elton John, Billy Joel, and even Queen. This season didn't have Elton, Billy, or Freddy. I better see all three next season. A Beatles week would also be amazing, or maybe even a Beach Boys week. Get on this, uh... Ryan.

In other TV show news, "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" seems to be specifically put together for idiots. The show always starts with clips from the episode it's about to air, and this week's episode started by telling us that the first contestant was going to reach the million dollar question. Kinda took the suspense out of every drawn-out moment that Jeff Foxworthy took before confirming every right answer. When the guy reached the million dollar question, he was told that if he decided to "go for it" and hear the question, he would not be allowed to walk away with his $500,000. He would either get the $1,000,000 for a right answer, or the consolation $25,000 for the wrong answer. He was then shown footage of the last two guys who made it this far. Both of them dropped out and took the money, and one of them ended up knowing the answer to what would have been his question. So this guy, not wanting to look like a coward, became the first person in history to go for the million dollar question. He was asked the name of the first satellite the US put into space. He was between Mercury and Genesis, but went with Mercury. Mercury was indeed the name of the first manned mission into space; however, the first satellite was named the Explorer. So this guy cost himself $475,000. But at least no one could deny his balls.

For a few weeks, I stopped watching this show, and when I started watching again, I noticed that they had replaced one of the 5th graders. The brunette white girl with the glasses is gone, and now we have a freckle-faced blonde named Marki. What happened to glasses girl? One of the last times I saw her, a male contestant complimented her on something, and she responded, "Are you flirting with me?" Perhaps the producers fired her for being so inappropriate with her banter. Now she's the Pete Best of "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"

In closing, here's a video of what Bee Gees week should look and sound like:

Cheers,
Diego

Closing Time.

2007-05-11T04:26:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite things to blog about is the many ways that businesses in my daily routine are poorly run. Mainly food establishments that close early or don't know how to turn off their OPEN sign. I save special places in my memory, alongside the most wonderful moments of my life, for those times when I'm turned away from a restaurant mere minutes before their official closing time. I treasure these moments of injustice, in the hopes that one day I can maybe do something to help stop them. Yesterday, I experienced quite the opposite.

Jamba Juice closes at 9:30pm on Mondays through Thursdays, and I went in like five minutes before they were about to close, and before I even set foot inside, I was filled with a surge of dread. These people were almost done with their work day, and here I was to unexpectedly make them do more work during the home stretch. But I was surprised to find that all the employees were in a cheerful mood, and only too jazzed to approach the cash register and ask their last minute customers, "what can we make for you?" One of them even remarked that the mountain outside was dark, but that yesterday, they had a nice light show (referring to the massive Griffith Park fire that took days to put out). And that's when I realized how twisted it was that I had been conditioned to feel wrong about entering a food establishment right before they close. There is no difference between the 8am customer and the 9:25pm customer, and these Jamba Juice employees seemed to get that.

I recently stopped going to the KFC on Hollywood because one night they decided to close the register early to count the cash, and were only accepting credit transactions. I had a card, but was forced to watch a father and son be turned away because the only thing they had was FEDERAL RESERVE NOTES. DOLLAR BILLS. LEGAL TENDER, ACCEPTABLE ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY. EXCEPT THIS KFC (I considered telling the guy that he could give me the cash and I would put it on my card, but I don't think I had enough in my account at the time). So I started going to the KFC on Central, until one night, when we arrived 10 minutes before closing time and the guy said I couldn't have a famous bowl, because he didn't want to prepare more mashed potatoes and gravy so close to closing time. This is why my default KFC is now, ironically, the one on Hollywood. Also, the one on Central had a B instead of an A. I don't want to think about what they got wrong on inspection day. Perhaps it has something to do with their "walk-thru" window, which is like a drive-thru window, except it's just a window that opens out into the parking lot from the kitchen. And it's labeled "walk-thru." Wierd, right?

Well, the point is, these KFC assholes have their shit wrong. Jamba Juice has it right. Every customer should receive the same care and attention, no matter what time of day it is.

Cheers,
Diego

New Shoes.

2007-05-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

I've been recently trying to do the hiking thing at this little hiking mountain they got over here called Runyon Canyon Park. But every time I go, I risk my body more and more harm, because my shoes are 2-year-old Nike Shox that don't grip the ground very well, so I'm constantly slipping on steep crags of rock at over 1300 feet. So I decided I should get me some hiking shoes. I went to Sports Authority and tried out some hiking boots, and they all fit okay, but the problem there is that stores don't offer you a way to test out shoes on a diagonal rock surface. They should do that, because I don't care how these shoes feel when I'm walking on level manmade floors. I care how they feel when my ankles are twisting in all kinds of unimaginable angles and the fate of my entire life is resting solely on the piece of rubber strapped to my feet. But these boots were all exactly the same. My brother had refused to come with me, so I was calling him and asking him to pick a pair based on how reliable the manufacturer name sounded (he refused me here, too). Then I looked at every other shoe they had and I noticed that there was a category of Nike shoe called the Trail Running Shoe. This sounded good, because I also wanted to be able to jog in these shoes. So I went home and checked that out, and on the Nike website, I found a relatively cheap pair called the Air Assail IV. It featured Nike Air cushioning, ideal for downhill descents, and "a full-length sticky rubber outsole that provides traction on a variety of different surfaces." It came in four color options:

1. Black Graphite/Black/Natural Grey/Varsity Maize

2. Army Olive/Black/Mineral Yellow

3. Black/Metallic Silver/Black

4. Midnight Navy/Sonic Yellow/Black/Neutral Grey

Clearly, #3 was the coolest option. However, #3 was the only pair that wasn't marked down in price. #'s 1, 2, and 4 were all marked down to $49.99, while #3 was the full price of $75. Assholes! I didn't think twice about eliminating that pair first. I'd wear pink shoes if I got a good enough price. And #1 was too girlie with the baby blue disguised as "natural grey," so that pair was out too. I was between #'s 2 and 4. #2 had "army olive" and "mineral yellow" with a black swoosh. This would give me a more earthy foot tone that I needn't be afraid to get dirty. Whereas #4 had "midnight navy" and "black" with a sonic yellow swoosh. This was more of a swanky shoe color that wouldn't mix as well with dirt. But that didn't stop them from trying to get that tough-sounding "midnight navy" in there to compete with the "army olive." The colors are all gender-biased. The female version of this shoe features a pink called "tango" to make them sound more romantic. How is "tango" in any way pink?

Anyway, I thought the blue ones would fit my style well enough if I could get some red on 'em, so I ordered those and then went to another website and ordered some red shoelaces to replace those white ones. And by the way, I think it's insane that neither Nike.com nor any other shoe-ordering website offers a comprehensive catalogue of different shoelaces. Have they really missed out on this market? They must have thousands of those shits laying around the shoe factory! Sell those too, idiots!

My shoes came yesterday. Take a gander:

When I went back to the shoe website just now, they were all back up to $75, so looks like my purchase was serendipitously timed. Now if I kill myself, it won't be because of slippery shoes. Check out those treads!

Cheers,
Diego

Bon Jovi Week.

2007-05-03T03:17:00.000-07:00

So Bon Jovi week ruled ass. For the first time this entire season, everyone gave a great performance. The people I was watching with kept telling me that Jordin sucked, but I thought she was good. The one person I felt shitty for was Gina Glocksen. As a rocker, this would have been her dream week. I notice she attended both nights, and not only did Ryan Seacrest basically come out and say "this must be killing you," they also did two songs she'd previously performed as her own picks earlier this season. First was Carrie Underwood doing "I'll Stand By You" during the first farewell, then the Top 6 doing "Paint it Black" for the Ford commercial. So I guess she didn't have the best week, unless she's the type of gal who enjoys watching people do things she wants to do, which I'm guessing she ain't. Anyway, the Tuesday night performances were as follows:

1. Phil Stacey - "Blaze of Glory" -- This song was one of two ideal farewell songs performed that night, because it's all about, as the title implies, going out in a blaze of glory. Perhaps he knew the end was near.
2. Jordin Sparks - "Livin' on a Prayer" -- Arguably the biggest hit Bon Jovi has ever had. Expectations were high, and she supposedly sucked, but again, I dug on it.
3. LaKisha Jones - "This Ain't a Love Song" -- Bon Jovi said he would bet on her staying based on how well she was singing this. Which didn't bode well for me, cuz I was ready to see her go home.
4. Blake Lewis - "You Give Love a Bad Name" -- One of my favorite Idol performances ever. A major risk, which I totally respect. Better to fail doing your own thing than to succeed doing someone else's thing. Not only that, but the undeniable fact here is that no other Idol could give a performance like this. One that not only excelled in new ways, but traditional ones as well. This guy deserves to win based on innovation alone. I voted for his shit twice.
5. Chris Richardson - "Wanted Dead or Alive" -- The first thought that comes to mind when you hear this song selection is the fact that Chris Daughtry performed it last year, and he rocked the shit out of it, so Chris Richardson would have to be out of his fucking mind to attempt it. But this was the first thing he addressed during his pre-recorded interview, and his reasoning was that it may not hold up to comparison, but you can't have a Bon Jovi night without "Dead or Alive." I thought this made a lot of sense, so he gets my respect too. This, by the way, was the other ideal farewell song performed that night, because it's about life as a performer through the career highs and lows.
6. Melinda Doolittle - "Have a Nice Day" -- She claimed not to know how to rock, but Bon Jovi said he was gonna teach her, and he most surely did. I think Melinda Doolittle is the best singer based purely on vocal talent. Ideally, I would want her in the Top 2 with Blake.

Right after Doolittle performed, George W. Bush and his wife came on the big video screen and thanked everyone for all the money that was raised last week. I thought the timing was funny, because "Have a Nice Day" is an anti-Bush song, written as a reaction to the 2004 election. Good. Fuck him.

Who I wanted to go home this week:
1. Phil Stacey -- I don't care how many good performances he still has in him. Keep 'em.
2. LaKisha Jones -- Still not feeling the charisma from this one.

Who did go:
1. Phil Stacey -- ABOUT TIME.
2. Chris Richardson -- FUCK.

I am in no way comforted by the fact that the two people going home were the two people who performed ideal farewell songs. I guess one outta two ain't bad, and if that second wasn't LaKisha, I should be glad it was Chris. But now the Top 4 is Blake Lewis and three girls who are... well... similar... in... ways. And one thing I value about the show is its potential for variety.

Other things of interest:
1. One of the extra performers on the results show was Robin Thicke, son of vocalist Gloria Loring and Canadian sensation Alan Thicke. Alan Thicke was on Growing Pains, and is also known for WRITING AND PERFORMING THE THEME SONG TO DIFF'RENT STROKES. Robin Thicke's song was boring, so we muted it and played the mp3 of the Diff'rent Strokes theme, which improved the performance exponentially.
2. This week's Wednesday show interview spot was Farmer's Market again. Which makes sense, being that it's adjacent to CBS Studios, which is, like, where they shoot this. So, if I wanted to be on this next week, should I go hang out at the Farmer's Market? Or will he switch it up again and hit up the Kodak Theater on Hollywood Boulevard? There's just no way to know with this goddamn show.
3. Next week's coach is Barry Gibb, which means it could be another amazing week. However, Ryan Seacrest called it "Sounds of Boogie." I hope it's not another one of those generic bullshit weeks where anything from the genre will do. Hopefully that title is about as accurate as Rock Week was for what was essentially Bon Jovi Week. It needs to be Bee Gees Week. Always. Speaking of which.
4. I was surprised that no one performed Bon Jovi's "Always." This seems like the kinda group who would give their left nut for a tasty ballad.

For the past two weeks, I've closed my Idol blogs with a video of a former Idol performing the shit out of a song that one of the new Idols attempted, thus embarrassing the new Idol. A task made incredibly easy this week by Chris Richardson's song choice. But I found his reason for performing that song too compelling to do it any dishonor. So, instead, I will simply post Blake's little tour de force.

This cocksucker better win, or I don't know what.

Cheers,
Diego

Idol Gives Back.

2007-04-26T05:28:00.000-07:00

This was the week that Idol gave back. We got an hour on Tuesday where the top six Idols sang inspirational songs, and two hours on Wednesday of fund-raising magic. This Wednesday show consisted of hilarious celebrity cameos, big time musical performances, and about 87 videos of Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell visiting sick orphans in Africa (Randy Jackson hit up New Orleans, Paula Abdul stuck to LA, and they did combinations, like Simon in LA). Oh, and occasionally they would free up a few seconds to do the whole contestant elimination thing.

But I don't mean to be a prick. This is obviously all for a very worthwhile cause, no matter how certain parts may have clashed with each other. And overall, it was a very good show. I loved watching all the musical performances and celebrity gags. They had been building up one duet in particular as something that would be so fucktastically mind-blowing that it would change the face of pop history forever. This duet turned out to be Celine Dion and young Elvis Presley. Elvis performed from beyond the grave, and they made a specific point to say something about Celine Dion flying in from somewhere (I guess they didn't want to make her sound like total crap compared to undead Elvis). Now, to me, this personally wasn't that incredible. My mind was more blown when Katharine McPhee and Meat Loaf performed "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" at last year's finale. But the special effects were FLAWLESS. Celine and Elvis were singing side by side on the same stage from multiple moving angles, with the Idols in the back. This shit was better than when Forrest Gump met all those presidents! So color me not disappointed.

But by the same token, they did kinda fuck themselves with another bit of hype. At the top of the show, Ryan proclaimed that this would be the most shocking elimination ever. Immediately, we all considered each of the contestants, and which of them could be potentially considered the most shocking elimination. Clearly, it couldn't be Phil Stacey, LaKisha Jones, or Chris Richardson, because they've all had their taste of the Bottom 2. And Blake Lewis, Melinda Doolittle, and Jordin Sparks are all good, but no single one among them is in any way the undisputed frontrunner. So there had to be something more shocking about it. A tie would be ridiculous. Almost instantly, I postulated that maybe they weren't sending anyone home. This wasn't hard, because there really weren't that many outcomes here that could acceptably be classified as "shocking," or even "mildly discomforting."

Ryan said there would be no Top 3, no Bottom 3. Just a random calling of names. Throughout the night, he guaranteed each person's safety, one at a time. First Melinda, then Blake. And at this point, the only shocking elimination left would be Jordin. Sure enough, he then called the safety of Phil and LaKisha, leaving only Chris and Jordin. And as I knew he would, he told Chris he was safe, paused for crowd reaction, and then told Jordin she was safe. The irony here is, this might have been pretty shocking. If he hadn't forecasted how shocking it was two hours earlier, basically begging me to put it together in my head before it could happen. But who cares, because the night was about helping people anyway. However, I can't help but feel somewhat conflicted about what they plan to do with this week's votes.

The 70-something million votes cast this week will carry over onto next week's Rock-themed show, where the two weeks' votes will be combined and the two bottom vote recipients will be eliminated. What worries me is that the person who would have gone home this week might do a lot better next week and avoid elimination altogether, which would seriously screw with the spirit of the show's rules. But I suppose that's nothing compared to the very existence of Sanjaya. So, just, whatever, guys.

I look forward to next week's Rock theme, coached by Jon Bon Jovi. Hopefully the song choices will be as good as this week's (and not the shit from the few weeks before that). Some particularly awesome choices for Inspiration week were Chris Richardson doing Eric Clapton's "Change the World" and Blake Lewis doing John Lennon's "Imagine." LaKisha Jones had the balls to do Fantasia Barrino's "I Believe." Awesome song, but give us a fucking break, LaKisha. This week, I shall embarrass you the same way I did Sanjaya last week.

See, she's working the bobo dance and everything. In other news, streaming the John Tesh Radio Show online from Orlando's Magic 107.7 worked like a charm. So, good news there.

Cheers,
Diego

John Tesh.

2007-04-24T05:03:00.000-07:00

I had things pretty good in Orlando. Aside from obvious things like friends, my apartment in Pegasus Landing afforded me some mighty fine luxuries. I lived right next door to a Moe's Southwest Grill, so like... when you hear about people "living the life?" That was pretty much it right there. I also used to listen to The John Tesh Radio Show every night. It was a good show, because he would play lots of soft rock and pop while intermittently giving me fun facts and intelligence for my life. It was just a nice relaxing way to fill the ambience in my room between Pegasus Landing shootings. I get the show here in LA too, but there's a few minor differences.

- Instead of playing from midnight to 5am (the chillaxed overnight stretch), it plays from 7pm to midnight. Which is when I'm generally doing other things.
- Instead of playing all those good tunes, it plays Christian music, because it's a Christian station.
- The reception sucks.

The closest station I have that plays John Tesh at the time I want is in Palm Springs (110 miles away). I suppose I could stream the Orlando station online, which would give me my old Orlando Tesh from 9pm to 2am, due to the time zone difference. Maybe I'll give that a try. I don't think I would have thought of this plan if I hadn't decided to write about it in this blog. I guess blogs are useful.

Cheers,
Diego