2012.

I just saw 2012, which depicts a global disaster of apocalyptic proportions. I'm able to watch these gruesome events and enjoy them for the movie magic they are. However, the devastating kind of earthquake depicted in 2012 is a very real inevitability for the state of California, and I'm living right where it will one day hit. The fear of dying in a catastrophic earthquake that scientists are describing as "overdue" can be paralyzing. But when discussing this fear with my brother Jandro one time, he pointed something out to me.

At any given moment, a supervolcano could randomly erupt and kill everyone on the planet.

For some reason, all I have to do is think of that, and all my fears just melt away. I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Grinchmas Audition.

I had heard in the past about this Grinchmas event they do at Universal over the Christmas holiday. I had never gone out for it because I always thought I'd be unavailable during Christmas, plus I didn't know what it was. But doing Halloween Horror Nights for the 5th time this year, everyone was talking about auditioning, and I was gonna need a job in December, so I decided to go to the auditions, which were yesterday at the Debbie Reynolds Studio on Lankershim in the Valley.

What they were looking for was a few guys to play the Grinch, in a super elaborate costume like the one Jim Carrey wore in the Ron Howard movie, as well as several residents of Whoville, who would wear Who prosthetics, also like in the movie. During Horror Nights, I heard people say that you would need to invent your own Whoville character, I guess to show off your improv skills and creativity, because the Whoville characters would roam the park and interact with guests. I think there's also a stage show or something, which might involve some light dancing. One guy showed up to the audition in full Who costume and prosthetics, with a prop basket. He was apparently a Whoville baker. I was thinking he should pretend to be a real Who, biologically, so he could complain that this is the only job he's really suited for.

While standing in line, I saw the official sign listing the role requirements and realized I had forgotten to bring a headshot/resume, which they had said on the website we MUST do. I don't have a headshot, but I do have an acting resume with my picture on top of it... but I had no printer ink at the time, so the whole issue was moot. I texted some people to ask, "What sounds better-- I don't have a headshot, or I forgot my headshot?" One friend said "I forgot my headshot." Another friend said "I'm waiting for my new headshots." But I thought the funniest option would be to say, "I don't like to give out headshots." Again, moot, because there was no point at which anyone asked about headshots. You either had one attached to your form or you didn't.

Anyway, they gave everyone a number while we waited in line, took our picture, then brought us in and measured our height. While being measured, I told them, "My doctor says I'm ideal Who proportions." Then they led us into a small dance studio, where they collected our forms and attached our pictures to them. I overheard the form/picture people bitching that they had given the same number to two people on more than one occasion. I suggested to them that they just add a ½ to one of them.

We waited on the floor, then about 50 of us were brought into a larger dance studio, where we were lined up in a semicircle around a table of the people in charge of directing and running Grinchmas. The head guy asked everyone to step forward and say their name, and as we did, he would put our form into one of two piles. See, before we could show them our skills in dancing, reading sides, or improvising, the first round of this would be a "type out audition." Type out is when they evaluate your overall look/vibe and determine whether or not it's even worth it to audition you further.

It's tough to convey the essence of your being when just stepping forward and saying your name. I said mine in a sort of slow, deliberate fashion, and the guy looked at me for an extra second or two before putting me in one of the piles. Then, he thanked everyone for coming to the audition and read out loud the numbers of the people he wanted to stay for the next round. I was number 127. I listened as he read the numbers, counting down from 150 to 101... "129... 128... 126..." Relatively few people were asked to stay, and I wasn't one of them. But apparently I made everyone directly around me look pretty good.

I wish they had gotten to see my skills at reading sides and improvising. I would've scored high there. I could've told them about my Whoville experience... which involved attacking people as a Chainsaw Killer Klown... but it was experience nonetheless. They should just do Christmas Horror Nights. I'd have been all over that.

Halloween Horror Nights 2009: My 3 Best Scares

I've been working Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios Hollywood for the past three years. In 2007, I was a Chainsaw Killer Klown at Bates Motel in the Terror Tram. In 2008, I was a Chainsaw Pigman at the entrance of the Terror Tram. And this year, I was again a Chainsaw Killer Klown at Whoville in the Terror Tram. The key thing about scares is you want to get into a very efficient rhythm so that you can scare as many people as possible. The tramful of park guests passes by pretty quick. I developed several routines that allowed me to maximize my scares. By the end of this year's event, I must've scared thousands of people. Some people really enjoy the scare, like it's a fun game. Some people are genuinely terrified. At least once a night, we see people who don't even get past Whoville and ask show control if they can be taken back to the main park area without going through the maze itself. You work really hard to get these scares (especially with a chainsaw), and a lot of them are very basic and unremarkable. But I remember three in particular from this year that I really enjoyed, just because there was something that really clicked about each one. I'm going to write about them now so that I don't forget them. Scares are really a you-had-to-be-there kinda thing, so this may not read very interesting... but if you don't like it, go write your own blog.

In countdown form:

3. I was standing in the middle of the crowd and this girl backs into me. I think she was backing away from another clown. As she turns around, she says, "Oh, I'm so sorr--" and then she screams the second she sees I am also a chainsaw clown. This scare was very rewarding, particularly because I didn't really have to do anything.

2. Sometimes, after the crowd has passed, I immediately turn off my chainsaw and watch the people bringing up the rear to see if I can sneak up on them for one last scare. I saw this one girl talking to her friends. As I approached, I heard her say, "It's just not scary anymore. It's like--" then she turned and saw me standing there. The startling effect of my presence plus the embarrassment of knowing I had heard her criticizing the scariness made for a very effective combination. One of her friends goes, "You were saying?" To which she responded, "Okay, never mind, it's scary."

1. This was another case of me observing the people bringing up the rear, and is perhaps my favorite scare of 2009. I always do my best to scare as many people as possible, but I noticed a group of people pushing a girl in a wheelchair had slipped by me. So I silently ran up next to them along the side of the fence. As I approached, I heard the girl in the wheelchair in near hysterics, saying, "I HATE clowns and I HATE ch--" She was about to say chainsaws, but when I popped out, she unleashed a terrible scream of pure horror. Like, she was on the edge, and I pushed her overboard.

I don't really take pleasure in scaring people who don't want to be scared. I watch my fellow chainsaw clowns celebrate when they terrify someone into leaving or crying, and I marvel at their cruelty. I also can't relate to anyone who takes pleasure in scaring young children. The parents may be stupid for bringing them in the first place, but that's the parents' fault; not the kids'. In the case of the wheelchair girl, I didn't hear her shrill whining until I was already mid-scare. But her reaction was just awesome. I wonder what series of events led to her attending a park full of the things she doesn't like.

We also got a lot of celebrities. Because I'm scaring through a mask, in the dark, through a thick artificial fog in the middle of a fast-paced crowd, I usually only see people as shapes, and I just read the body language off the shapes, and that's how I conduct my scares. Whenever I go on break, I'll hear people say stuff like, "Did you see Diddy? He had his kids and bodyguards with him," and I'll remember having seen a big guy in a suit, obviously a bodyguard, and not noticing Diddy, or whoever the celeb was at the time. On Halloween (our last night), I was attacking people with the saw, as usual, swinging it at them like a baseball bat, when I noticed another bodyguard. Remembering the Diddy incident, I looked up to see if this was another celebrity. And it was none other than Tyrese Gibson. So I attacked Tyrese with a chainsaw and lived to tell the tale. We'll call that one an honorable mention.

Wanted 2

So last year they came out with the movie Wanted, based on Mark Millar's awesome graphic novel. The screenplay for the movie was written after the screenwriters only read like the first issue of six, so the opening of the story is kinda the same, but what follows ends up being much different. Wanted the movie was fun, but nowhere near as original or cool as the graphic novel. Anyway, Angelina Jolie was in it, and now director Timur Bekmambetov wants to bring her back for the sequel. But if you've seen the first one, you know that's gonna be a little tricky. Here he is talking to MTV about it:

"If you remember from the first film, we have a recovery room with the baths of wax," Bekmambetov told MTV News. "We know how to do this, but it's still tough to do, because the bullet is inside her head."

"But there has to be a reason for her to come back... and we know the reason," he added. "I think we found the reason for her to come back."

I love how fucking stupid this quote sounds, especially out of context.

Happy 16th, Jurassic Park! Rex still looks real.

Today is the 16th anniversary of the day Jurassic Park came out in theatres. I just know this off the top of my head because it's like my favorite movie. Here's some other movies that share its birthday:

E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1982) and Grease 2 (1982) both turn 27 today. What a day for Spielberg! Not so much for whoever the fuck directed Grease 2.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) turns 23 today. Still the best thing Matthew Broderick's ever done. Like, with his life.

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999) turns 10 today. Maybe the biggest letdown I've ever experienced in a movie theatre.

And Garfield: The Movie (2004) turns 5. God, I'd make a line graph to show how I feel about these movies, but I don't think I could find a y-axis long enough.

Now, you'll notice these releases are well spaced out, because movies generally come out on Friday (Wednesday in the case of Ferris Bueller, but then, he was a truant). So you have to wait for the years when it falls on the just the right day of the week. And the next June 11th to do so will be... next year! I consider it a sacred day, if only because of Jurassic Park. So what theatrical releases will be etched into history a year from today? Currently slated for release on June 11, 2010 are:

Joe Carnahan's A-Team movie and a Karate Kid remake starring Jaden Smith.

Son of a bitch. When's the next Friday June 11th after that?

... 2021.

Maybe they'll have a Wednesday release in 2014.

Seinfeld.

Last night, I tweeted the following:

Someone just explained to me a joke from from a 15-year-old Seinfeld ep that I never realized I wasn't getting. I feel like a kid again!

A friend asked for an explanation, so here it is:

In the episode "The Chinese Woman," when Jerry and the caucasian Donna Chang keep mispronouncing things like "rines" and "ridicurous," I thought Seinfeld was simply lampooning the way people occasionally mispronounce words during conversation without acknowledging it, and I thought it was kind of odd, or possibly brilliant, that he doesn't ever follow it up with an analytical spiel within the episode, like he usually would. But it was just pointed out to me that the mispronounciations were supposed to be making light of the way Asians tend to transpose L's and R's (a habit I was of course aware of, but never connected to the "Chinese Woman" storyline). I think it's partly Seinfeld's fault, for having such an all-encompassing scope of observational humor that it never even occurred to me that that joke's most low-brow interpretation would be its intended one.

Speaking of Seinfeld, I thought it was cool that they reran "Male Unbonding (1.4)" and "The Couch (6.5)" back-to-back tonight. Two episodes separated by five seasons that have nothing to do with each other except that one introduces Kramer's make-your-own-pizza restaurant idea, and the other sees him seeing it through, five years later. I can't even say for sure that the pairing was intentional, since TBS is coupling episodes from seasons 1 and 6 all week. Incidentally, "The Couch" includes another joke that used to fly over my head as a kid, which is Kramer and Poppy's argument over when a pizza becomes a pizza paralleling the abortion debate from Elaine's storyline in the same episode.

What a show. I think Seinfeld is the best sitcom that will ever be.

In Memoriam: My Duffel Bag.

A week and a half ago, I went to a shoot at the LA City College for an NBC pilot. I was one of very many background actors playing students at a fictional community college. When I got there, I followed the crowd and found all the extras sitting at an outdoor picnic area kinda near where the craft service was. I left my duffel bag by one of the tables and went to the big courtyard to do my background acting.

Several hours later, I returned to the picnic tables and saw that my duffel bag was gone. I asked one of the PAs to help me find it, and she tried, but it was nowhere. It was later brought to my attention that the background holding area was the building NEXT to the picnic area, so no one was really watching my bag while I was on set. So it could've been stolen by pretty much anyone with the power to stroll onto the LA City College campus. Which means, anyone with legs (or a wheelchair).

I hadn't put much thought into what items were in my duffel bag that day. But eventually, I came to remember all the possessions that were taken from me by a soon-to-be-dead man (or woman). Here's what I came up with:

1. The duffel bag. This was a pretty nice duffel bag. I bought it during my 2005 LA internship, in which I'd stayed at UCLA for 6 weeks. When it was time to fly home, I didn't have enough room in my suitcase, so I bought this duffel bag at the UCLA store. I don't want to think about how much it cost, but this bag itself was probably the most expensive of the items stolen. It was awesome.

2. My Universal Studios Hollywood Halloween Horror Nights 2008 employee badge holder. You get this when you work at Halloween Horror Nights (in 2008). I had it wrapped around the strap of the duffel bag. It has my name on it. So whoever has the bag knows exactly who they are fucking with.

3. My new black shoes. Every time I go to a shoot, they take a look at my brightly colored sneakers and force me to change into plain black shoes from the wardrobe trailer that never fit. So I bought some nice comfortable black shoes at Target, which I've only worn a couple times since. I don't know what sucks more; having something stolen that I've had forever, or having something stolen that I JUST BOUGHT.

4. My red henley. This was just a nice long-sleeved shirt with some buttons on top. You see it in my regular shirt rotation during the colder months. Or at least you did, for a long time. NOT ANYMORE.

5. My brown long-sleeved shirt with the blue stripes. I got it at Penney's in 2007. I am seen wearing it during casting on the WSTEC webdocs. These two shirts were in the bag because the wardrobe people like for you to bring OPTIONS.

6. My pocket Sudoku puzzle book. This didn't cost very much. I bought it at Gelson's because The Onion discontinued their usual Sudoku section and I wanted to do puzzles while in line at the UCB Theatre.

7. My Bigfoot crossword puzzle book. This didn't cost very much either, but I had to SEND AWAY for it. Whoever stole my bag is going to have lots of fun while they await my guaranteed vengeance.

8. My notebook. I've been writing all kinds of shit in this notebook for the past seven months. It's really annoying to lose something like that.

You know, about a month ago, I saw these two guys pick something up off the sidewalk and toss it back down. When I got to it, I picked it up and examined it. It was a wallet, with no money in it, but filled with all kinds of credit cards and other wallet shit. I figured I would just take it into a lost and found or something, but I couldn't be sure what building this person was going to when they lost it. So I took it home and mailed it to the address in the person's driver's license. I did this when everyone else was just throwing it back on the sidewalk. You'd think that would give me some good karma. But instead, the universe saw fit to pay me back for this by stealing my duffel bag. Could it be that my karma is making me pay for some grander crimes I committed in a former life? Cuz if so, that is BULLSHIT!