Saturday, April 21, 2007

My Revised American Idol Loser Wish List.

This week saw the astonishing dismissal of Sanjaya Malakar. This was a shock to everyone on the planet. First, Ryan Seacrest divided the Top 7 into two groups: First group was Sanjaya, LaKisha, and Blake. Second group was Phil, Jordin, and Chris. He then asked Melinda to stand with the group she thought was safe. Obviously it was the first group, which contained two of the better singers (and Sanjaya), but Melinda sat down in the exact middle of the stage and made Ryan look like a dick. She basically invited him to go fuck himself. Despite this setback, Ryan still amazed the shit out America by revealing that it was the second group that was safe. In retrospect, this should have been obvious from Ryan's little choosing game.

So, looking at Sanjaya, LaKisha, and Blake, I simply prayed that Blake would be given a reprieve. Because it was either him or LaKisha leaving. One good singer was going home that night; that much was true. Sure enough, Blake was safe, and I knew LaKisha was done. In a matter of seconds, I buried her in my heart. And then Ryan Seacrest uttered a combination of words that successfully released my bowels from my body.

"Sanjaya... you... are going home tonight."

I daredn't dream it was possible, but truly, it was. They showed a montage of Sanjaya making an ass of himself week after week with an insert of Sanjaya bawling his eyes out live on camera. Sanjaya then reprised his song from the previous night, Bonnie Raitt's "Something to Talk About." This song is about a person who falls in love with another person because of all the rumors that they're already an item. Now, I think this would have worked as a metaphor for his inexplicable tenure (people think I should be here, so let's create a reason for it), but it doesn't work because he still sucks. Plus, I think he just chose this song as a blunt commentary on the fact that no one can stop talking about how much he sucks. The lyrics don't exactly fit, but Sanjaya as a human being never made much sense either. He disrespectfully changes the chorus from "how about love" to "other than hair," then forgets the lyrics for the billionth time during his run on the show.

Here now is my revised list of who I want to leave the show, and in what order:

1. Phil Stacey -- He's actually decent half the time, but come on. Enough already.
2. LaKisha Jones -- She really wowed me when she busted out with "Think" for her audition and immediately followed it up by belting out "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" on her first week out. But that was like eight weeks ago, and now it's time to make way for closers.
3. Chris Richardson -- I dislike his nasal sound, but he did kick ass on Tony Bennett week, so I'd keep him over LaKisha, mainly because I'm splitting the black female vote in my head for the sake of variety. He is also the only one who looks cool when they do those lavish Ford commercials.
4. Jordin Sparks -- Doubly impressive because she's only 17, but I don't know if she could necessarily win it. Here Jordin, have third place.
5. Melinda Doolittle -- Finally came out of her ancient song coma on country week, which earned her major points from me. But still doesn't thrill me as much as...
6. Blake Lewis -- Do more beatbox!

Another growing concern of mine is the man-on-the-street interviews Ryan Seacrest has taken to doing the past two weeks. Last week, he went around the Farmer's Market the morning of the Wednesday live results show. I told my brother we should hang out there all the following Wednesday, so he would interview us, but this week, he was at the Kodak Theater, which made it a good thing that we didn't bother to try to go anywhere that day. Now it's going to have to be a guessing game to anticipate where he's going to be so I can be interviewed on American Idol. But since I don't really give a shit about doing it, I won't think about it any further. I already have two forums where I share my Idol thoughts anyway-- this blog, and out loud in the room as I'm watching each week. What I could be doing is making more of an effort to get tickets to either the Tuesday live performance or the Wednesday live results show, as I probably owe it to the big Idol fans who would give their right nut to attend, but can't because they're not local. But I probably won't kill myself over this one either.

I now close with a video of goodly Fantasia Barrino peforming "Something to Talk About" back in Season 3, in what will hopefully be the last humiliation Sanjaya Malakar has to suffer in my purview.

See, Sanjaya, this is the kinda show I was hoping to see before your smiley ass came along.

Now get the fuck off my TV.


1 comment:

Ben said...

Here here!

My list:

Phil - hate 'em
Chris - hate 'em
LaKisha - lost it
Melinda - boring
Jordin - amazing lady
Blake - amazing gent

I think he was in the bottom 3 because country sucks. and that's why Phil looked good singing sucky music. sorry country fans.